Mystic Cookie

With the holiday season upon us, the tug of the familiar has returned once again. The tug is always present this time of year, given that we all want so badly to feel holiday spirit and the magic of the season.  Expectations are high, leaving much room for missing the mark. As something that we continuously seek out, holiday spirit can in some instances evoke a beautiful sense of nostalgia, in others it may stir a difficult memory that can be associated with this time of year. Either way, it is a tangible event that can leave one feeling conflicted during what should be a joyous time.

For me, the tug can be felt in a moment upon hearing a familiar tune from childhood.  Instantly, I am that little girl that played records and danced around the living room. No matter that I am nearly 50! I recall that little girl and the utter joy of moving to beautiful music, what an endearing memory. I grew up in an incredibly musical home and music was an important part of any gathering and celebration.  During the holidays, mom cantered at church and dad often accompanied with his guitar.  The house was decorated with lights, multiple Christmas trees and the smell of hot apple cider wafted in the air. To this day, my parents often turn on big band music and have their own dance party in the living room…sigh… I know, so romantic. My dad always waited until the last minute to get mom’s present, but he went to great lengths to bring it home beautifully wrapped from the department store. Theirs is indeed a deep love story.

“The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.”

Anais Nin

All of these memories tug at me even more so this time of year. I find myself wanting to listen to classical music, especially The Nutcracker. I performed so many roles in the ballet it is permanently imbedded in my memory. I have a need to connect with my parents and my siblings. I recall the blue suede clogs that my sister and I wanted so badly, in fact we cheated and peeked under the tree, slowly peeling one of the corners of the present open.  It ruined the anticipation, but we learned we did in fact both get a pair of clogs. We were partners in crime in that moment and the desire to be partners in crime with my sister is ever present. Thank goodness she is visiting me this year for the holiday.

Stress is caused by being here and wanting to be there.

– Eckhart Tolle

For those that recall unhappy moments, memories can leave a cloud over otherwise joyful festivities. It is difficult to separate the present from the past and the associated emotions of both. In situation such as these, those memories will never go away completely. The way forward seems to be to make new memories that will slowly reside in the forefront, numbing the pain from the more painful.

Life experiences are cumulative and it is only in totality that we weave a story of our life.  By choosing to embrace both the sadness and joy of this narrative, the true breath of holiday spirit can be felt. I look at my children smiling while talking animatedly with one another and in that instance all of the memories of their childhood comes full circle.  I cannot help but be at peace, knowing that both good and difficult times will surely be on the horizon, but we will be fine…I will be fine. That is what the familiar does for me. It reminds me that we are all a part of a grander plan, interconnected in the most fascinating of ways. This holiday season, I will strive to appreciate how far I have come to be here, today, enjoying this very moment. Happy Holidays everyone.

My life has been a series of events that I liken to a Lifetime Original Movie. I am sure others feel the same way, but my life is uniquely mine and the experiences thus far have shaped me in ways I did not fully understand until reflecting back.  Of these moments, grief has been one of my most difficult teachers and one in which I have had to befriend many times over the years.  Grief for a loved one, for a life that I had thought I would have and for a love that was lost.  Grief stands alone from other emotions. It is heavy, incredibly intense and all encompassing, knocking a sufferer off his or her plane of stability and into a place that is devoid of all connection and joy. I liken this place to a black hole that squeezes out all viable life force and leaves a shell of a person in its wake.

My first experience with grief was the loss of my grandparents.  I recall the funerals, the thickness of the air, seeing my father and mother cry and the feeling as if the sun would never shine again. With time, I learned to accept that grandma and grandpa were no longer in this world. The sense of loss was unimaginable. I considered all of the times I had not listened as closely to grandma when she told stories from her youth. I regretted the many moments of disconnect after our family moved away and most of all I saw the space she had filled in my life become a void that was filled with only longing and regret. The only bright spot is that I have always believed my grandma to be one of my guardian angels and have felt her close by watching over me during many pivotal life moments.

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars,

The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

As an adult, I found the dark grip of grief followed me once again.  There was the Director of the Arts Council in North Carolina who died in a car accident coming to meet with me about a potential performance.  She had just been reunited with a daughter she had given up for adoption and life was wonderful. We had spoken a few days beforehand and in that one horrible instant she was gone.  It was hard to fathom that her bright light was gone from this world.  A few years later another ballet teacher, who I interacted with regularly, chose to take her own life.  She had just graduated from college, had two lovely children, a happy marriage and a gaggle of students who attended her ballet classes. How did we all miss that she was so depressed?  My ex husband was torn up by her death as he was one of the last people to speak with her on the phone. It felt like a personal failure to not sense her despair.

More intimately, I have been blessed with two beautiful children, but have also felt the grief of losing two during pregnancy. Feeling a child within at one moment and then knowing that life is gone in the next is heartbreaking. Especially when having to deliver or miscarry a child that will never take a breathe. What is left is a lingering feeling that someone is missing, a traumatic event that can leave a woman absolutely broken. I will never forget the doctor telling me I had lost the child and then with little emotion explaining the birthing process I would have to go through.  With each contraction I felt as if my body was squeezing me to my very core leaving me completely spent and grief stricken. It was a painful process with nothing to show for it in the end.

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”

-Leo Tolstoy

Unbelievably, the most crushing grief I have ever experienced was the betrayal in my marriage.  This was even worse than the eventual end to the marriage. I am one that loves deeply.  It is a soulful love that embodies my entire being. When my partner’s betrayal became public, every way in which I viewed the world and my life was taken from me.  No longer would I have a partner that I could grow old with and who had known me for the better part of my life. No longer could I ever trust as one does with a first love.  I was completely broken open. The grief was so profound that I stopped eating, could not sleep and lost all interest in life.  With two young children to care for, this was a frightening space to find myself. I came perilously close to not recovering and giving up on life completely.

Reflecting on all of these moments, I can say with complete confidence that the very personality trait I possess, that some see as a weakness, helped me move through grief and find light once again. I am lucky enough to hold a gentle strength that becomes a fierce bravery in the face of hardship.  This sensitivity is a gift and one that has helped me navigate more than my fair share of difficult life events. Yes, I have cried tears until I had no more and felt the intensity of grief in each of the above life moments.  I choose not to bury it inside as some do, I set it free and allowed it to have its way with me. In doing so, it lost some of its power over me.  Grief never really goes completely away, it merely becomes a scar that one wears, like a badge of courage and a shadow that revisits from time to time.

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”

-Jalaluddin Rumi

Feeling something completely is never a bad thing.  It is important to surrender to the emotion and allow oneself to move through the process. If this is not allowed, grief will rear its head in other ways; emotional eating, depression, anger, chronic pain, addiction, alienation or any number of other outlets. Be gentle with yourself and with others who may also be experiencing some form of grief.  There is no time limit on how long it takes to move through.  For some it may be a few months for others years, each person is different. All we can do is be there for one another as fragile as we all are.

With the supermoon arriving tonight, I cannot help but wonder what shenanigans will coincide with this beautiful celestial event. As one that has always been drawn to the moon, I find it curious how elevated emotions and actions are during intense times of lunar activity. I have noticed it with children that I have taught in the past. The week of the full moon, I knew to expect strange behavior and misbehaved little ones and I was never disappointed.  It was as if the children felt the charge in the air and it made them feel antsy. With my own children, I was witness to this as well. During their teen years I could count on at least one emotional outburst the few days surrounding the full moon.  Tears would flow and verbal assaults would ensue.

Personally, I have been able to feel the full moon approaching for as long as I can remember. Maybe it is because of my zodiac sign (Cancer) or maybe it is because the moon controls the tides and we are made up of 50-65% water.  I am not sure, but I can definitely vouch for the strong pull of a full moon.  If you find yourself gazing up at the night sky completely mesmerized by its glow you are probably one that feels this as well. I have had to pull over while driving, just to get out and gaze, it is that intense. While I am certain that I am not a werewolf or any other mythical creature for that matter, one cannot argue with this powerful force and its effect on our emotions.

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

George Carlin

A phenomenon of full moons is the peak in creative energy. As a writer, I sometimes loss inspiration and stare at a blank sheet of paper with absolute angst, not feeling any sense of drive or direction. I can always, and I mean always, count on the full moon to inspire and direct my writing. I have been moved to write simply by seeing the moon brightening the sky and feeling that connection to something greater than myself.  I have also been moved to explore my most deep and intimate emotions after walking in the early morning and seeing the full moon set in the dawn of the new day.  It is incredibly revealing, leaving one feeling raw and exposed in the most beautiful way.  The creative energy at these times is so strong and unique it leaves me with no choice but to write.  All of those thoughts and ideas that crowd my brain on a daily basis are set free, a bursting from the seams. It is a true departure from my typically restrained way of sharing my inner world.

Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Mark Twain

The moon can also unleash the creative energy of interpersonal relationships. It acts as a connecting force between everyone.  Just looking up at the moon can create a cord that connects my soul with others I care deeply about that are far away.  I wonder if they too are looking at this same moon and can feel my energy. If lonely, experiencing this connection to the planet and all others is a great sense of comfort. Shared experiences, no matter how far, bring us together in the most beautiful of ways.

“Do you think that too,” she said, “that I have slept too long in the moonlight?”

Jean Rhys

Finally, if you have ever lost someone that you love, the full moon can act as a bond to the next life.  The universe is so vast, complex and far beyond our comprehension and I see the cyclical and rhythmic movement of celestial bodies as Divine.  If I am missing someone, I look to the moon, and send them my love. I believe that they hear me and know that I am thinking of them in that moment.  It is calming for the heart and nourishing for the soul. Take a moment this week to feel this energy and be blessed. After the week we have collectively had, we could all use some support from the universe.

Peer pressure is a powerful thing. From a very young age, many feel the pull to fit in and be accepted into a group. There are many groups: geeks, jocks, hippies, nerds, outcasts, cheerleaders etc., being cool is not a prerequisite to feeling peer pressure. As one that moved freely between many different groups my entire life, I have had the unique opportunity to observe this pack mentality up close while at the same time being slightly removed from it. From a sociological perspective it is fascinating.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).”

Mark Twain

People generally like to feel accepted and understood.  Academics go out of their way to use big words, artists to appear creative and colorful and businessmen and women to sound strong and intelligent. What happens when faced with someone outside of this norm? Perhaps an educator that describes things in layman’s terms, an artist keeping a regular and organized schedule or a businessman or woman that shows sensitivity and human compassion?  With no reference for acting outside of stereotypical roles, this person is often looked upon as an anomaly. Anomalies make people uncomfortable, plain and simple. With no idea what to expect from someone, many will make less of an effort to interact simply because the social cues that are often present have been rejected.

“Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your soul.”

Walt Whitman

In my workplace, many are predictably liberal and colorful artists. Yes, there are a few exceptions to this rule, but not many. Is it possible that within a group’s desire to be unique, they become decidedly similar? I think so.  Daring to be different might be expressed as an interest in business practices, or timeliness. I have always been a textbook example of a right/left brain person. I have an intensely creative side that is expressed in multiple ways. I danced, played three instruments and now bake, teach ballet and write. Similarly, I have the reputation for being the organized business minded person in my family and work. I enjoy applying my creative mind to business ventures and seeing them to fruition. I revel in this aspect of my “differentness”

“Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.”

Mark Twain

This is not always received as one would think. While I can speak and write in simple terms, I am just as capable of producing intelligent thoughts and ideas as a well published academic. I simply like to make others feel comfortable and hate the distance a forced vocabulary creates. By the same token, heeding deadlines and writing business plans is often looked at among artists as rigid and lacking of creativity. I reject the notion that one has to be unstable or erratic to be a good artist. I have come across this idea in my many years as a dancer and always found it amusing. Conversely, in the library business people are much more project oriented. To creatively envision an idea or think out of the box can be excruciating among others that do not think this way. I just want to encourage my colleagues to have a little fun with the project.  Coming from me that is saying quite a bit.

“There is almost a sensual longing for communion with others who have a large vision. The immense fulfillment of the friendship between those engaged in furthering the evolution of consciousness has a quality impossible to describe.”

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Overtime I have begun to tire of the whole charade. I am who I am and have no need to classify myself as a part of a group, no matter how fringe that group may be. I talk to everyone regardless of where they stand in the social structure, understanding that I have something to learn from them all. I have said it before, people are fascinating. The way we migrate to one another and hold on for dear life in a display of herd mentality. Once a group of people are identified some mingle only with that group, creating a routine that is maintained indefinitely. Maybe this is why I have changed careers and moved so often in my life.  If I am not learning from the collective I am apart of, I feel stagnant and long for a new challenge and new interpersonal relationships. What is the point of it all if not for learning new things and new ways of being? The strange dichotomy in this is that I crave security and stability, the dual brain in all of its glory.

I have come to except that no matter where I go or what job I have, I will always feel a bit different and out of step.  Never really buying into the constructs of a vocation or location, I will always be disconnected in a sense, an observer looking in. My goal in life is to feel some degree of comfort and stability in the dichotomy. It is possible that this very challenge is my true interest and one of the reasons that I study mysticism as intently as I do. The constant conflict of experience and knowledge can be a powerful tool for spiritual work and I have much yet to learn. As my tea bag says today “Life is a flow of love, your participation is requested”.  I chose to participate even if from the outside looking in.

In the past few months I have been witness to a new and troubling display of human behavior.  Marked by a total disregard for others and an unhealthy immersion in self, it is damaging to our souls. It never ceases to amaze me that people can be so awful to one another.  Are we really that lost as a society that we cannot graciously accept differences of opinion in a non-judgmental way?

“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.”

-George Orwell

To often, people ignore the fact that words have meaning. We must never forget that we are all very fragile. Once spoken, words cannot be taken back they can only be forgiven. A word spoken in anger or in jest can have lasting effect on another’s heart. Words can be instruments of loving kindness or weapons of destruction.  Spoken in hate, a word can live on in the heart of the recipient for many years, festering and tearing down the self worth of the individual.

“Words are things. You must be careful, careful about calling people out of their names, using racial pejoratives and sexual pejoratives and all that ignorance. Don’t do that. Someday we’ll be able to measure the power of words. I think they are things. They get on the walls. They get in your wallpaper. They get in your rugs, in your upholstery, and your clothes, and finally in to you.”

-Maya Angelou

While I am always willing to listen to a plea for forgiveness, the repeat of the same action over and over does not constitute a true act of contrition. It is representative of a state of denial and one that is unaware of the power their words have on those they care about. Similarly, each person in this world is standing alone, solely accountable for his or her actions. Feigning innocence by deflecting blame onto another is an immature approach.  Just because someone else has said or done something that is less than loving, this does not grant permission to act in a hurtful manner.  

“Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know more.”

-Confucius

With the complete saturation of technology, it is all the more apparent when someone goes off the rails and uses their words in a disrespectful and hurtful way. As a parent, I would never condone my child speaking in this way, yet we turn a blind eye when people in the public arena do so.  Why do we not hold those in leadership positions to a higher degree of scrutiny? These are the people our children will be looking up to as role models. It baffles the mind that so many chose to overlook this under the guise of party politics, strong leadership or even within a family unit.

“silence is the language of god,

all else is poor translation.”

―Rumi

My hope is that common sense will prevail. Words will be received as they are spoken and evaluated for what they are, without the spin of an agenda. In addition, people will think before they speak and think before they act. There is no do over button in life.  It is crucial to take a moment and consider if what one has to say is necessary and kind.  If the answer if no, don’t say it. It is really that easy.

In the world it has certainly become a necessity to be tougher, stronger and slightly desensitized to the constant onslaught of troubling world events. This same toughness, while appearing to be an external strength, can be insidious and often leads to a numbness of awareness. How does one ever navigate a world that requires such a thick skin while still maintaining a gentle and loving spirit?

Gentleness is neither a display of copious sensitivity nor a personality quirk that needs to be corrected.  It is important to understand that being gentle does not in any way make one weak or less brave.  Holding a gentle heart when the world is pressuring one to do otherwise is actually a display of great strength of character. This unpopular response to external stimulus can be viewed as weird, uninformed or naive. Others may exhibit discomfort when being around a gentle heart by dropping belittling comments or demonstrating rude dissociation. This reaction should not be taken personally; it almost always comes from a place of fear.  Fear alone separates people. Fear of the unknown, fear of what is misunderstood and a fear of viewing the world apart from a peer group.

“In a gentle way you can shake the world.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

What then defines a gentle heart? My definition is softening in the face of harshness, choosing love when greeted with anger and activism in living by example. Embracing a gentleness of spirit and a connection to others can and should be a stabilizing force in a life. It is so very easy to go to a darker place.  When having a conversation with a peer who is speaking poorly of another or hearing about world events and feeling as if the end is near. Feeling tenderness for the other and even society as a whole is not easy when they both constantly disappoint. The world is a treacherous place at times and of late, is in a moment of instability that is troubling at best. Choosing tenderheartedness is a display of will and great strength requiring a recommitment sometimes moment to moment in choosing kindness over injustice and love over hate.

“You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship. Money is not a substitute for tenderness, and power is not a substitute for tenderness.”

Mitch Albom

This disciple is hard won.  I myself am a work in progress. It is only after many opportunities to make this choice that we finally begin to get it right….some of the time. I am in a constant state of replay as I navigate the world.  I replay all of the conversations I have had and review points when I have strayed from a gentle heart even if only in my head. This constant review acts as a mirror to my behavior and hopefully a pathway to better judgment. Others may not see these slight indiscretions as they are often an internal dialogue, but I know them well and hold some degree of disappointment in myself for having made them. Yes, I do try to be gentle with even myself, but that does not mean that I should avoid opportunities for growth simply because they make me uncomfortable, all the more reason to push forward.

Be gentle to all and stern with yourself.

Saint Teresa of Avila

As a woman I find this an even stronger calling and greater challenge in the workplace.  I am naturally a nurturing person and wish the best for everyone that I encounter in my day.  I like to make others feel welcomed and comfortable in my presence when at all possible.  This can be a direct contradiction to current business practice. Demonstrating stern leadership is viewed as strength whereas kindness and emotional connection is viewed as weakness. There does not appear to be a middle ground, it is an all or nothing proposition.  While difficult, it is necessary to disregard others stereotypical labels and find the place that suites your authentic self. Many times this means that I am going against the group view and find myself in familiar and lonely territory. It can be isolating to think differently from the tribe, but I have come to feel somewhat at ease with this discomfort. I am who I am and know in my heart that the way in which I navigate the world is my choice. If all I am guilty of is being gentle in the face of anger then so be it.

Change is upon us.  If you have not yet felt it, tune in with your intuition and you will.  The most apparent change of the moment is the seasons transitioning from summer to fall.  With the fall equinox approaching, the letting go of freedom found in summer is replaced with a return to focused work in the typically over scheduled autumn.  In my view, fall is representative of the metaphorical death of what is, in order to allow for what will be.  It is a wonderful time to lay the groundwork for changes you wish to see in your life. The days get shorter, the weather is crisper and a renewed attention is allowed as new directions are mulled over.

“There is a harmony

In autumn, and a lustre in its sky,

Which through the summer is not heard or seen,

As if it could not be, as if it had not been!”

–   Percy Bysshe Shelley   

Change can be a scary thing.  Comfort can be found in the common rhythm of the day whether productive or not. I am one such person that enjoys a certain amount of routine, thereby allowing stability to the ebb and flow of my day.  Interestingly, the one thing that I have not had in my life is just that, stability.  Change has been my constant companion for better or for worse and a constant teacher. Just when I think I have everything figured out, in waltz’s change.  Over time, I have come to accept that this is not only persistent but necessary for my growth.  

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”

― Rumi spiritual quote

The discomfort that I experience in intense moments of change requires an emotional and spiritual intelligence that is learned only through many difficult passages in life. I have slowly collected skills that have assisted me and I am much more equipped to navigate difficult transformations. I am also more aware of others when they are facing serious life challenges which call for evaluation and redirection.  Everything must move through seasons, seasons in work, relationships, a lifetime and in spiritual growth.  No one is immune to this. I can now listen intently to another’s growing pains, providing some degree of comfort without interjecting my own needs.  For me this is a small victory and one that I cherish.

I think of my parents and those that have seen many seasons. The elderly have always held my interest more than my own age group. They have wisdom in the eyes, born from having seen many hardships and joys along the way. This learned group can speak simply with a look, no words required. It is as if over the many years of living they have figured out that less is more and sitting in quiet is an opportunity to contemplate and grow.  Maybe this is why I am not afraid of the passing of the years, but rather look forward to them as a new chapter in my life.

“Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree.”

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Yes, I have a utopian view of life at times. One in which I am sitting on a bench with my partner and watching the sunrise, walking slowly in the park and enjoying the coming of the years with beautiful quality moments. I inherently know that this may not be the reality I am afforded, but I still hope to have more quiet moments and gentle talks about life rather than the constant rushing around of present. While I have little control about the way in which my life unwinds, I do have control over the way I accept the certain change. The truth is no matter what I do, the seasons will in fact change.  Leaves fall, colder weather and darker days will come and the spring will slowly rise eternal bringing with it new life. It is the paradox to be sure. Seasons can be unpredictable in presentation, but always constant in eventual arrival.

All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.”

― St. Francis of Assisi, The Little Flowers of St. Francis of Assisi

The change of seasons also provides me another chance to reevaluate how I am living, what is working and what is not. Do I like my job, my health and fitness level, my relationships with family and friends, my creative outlets, my study interests? If the answer is no to any of these, now is the time to lay foundation and plant seeds for the new. Making small changes do matter.  Just as we do not see the small changes of the leaves until they have turned beautiful colors , falling to the ground thereby creating fertile soil, we will not reap the rewards from our own efforts for some time.

The point of the exercise is not how fast we achieve goals, but that we make small commitments to their eventual attainment each day. As seasons must patiently wait for the right time, so must we.  Fall cannot arrive in the spring or vice versa. It is this wisdom that the elderly maintain with patience and resolve.  They are in no rush to reach the next season, another winter or another spring.  They know this is never guaranteed. Instead they choose to find comfort in the beauty of the present.  Change will come in its own time,  that much is promised.