Browsed by
Author: laviniachristine

Words Have Meaning

Words Have Meaning

words

In the past few months I have been witness to a new and troubling display of human behavior.  Marked by a total disregard for others and an unhealthy immersion in self, it is damaging to our souls. It never ceases to amaze me that people can be so awful to one another.  Are we really that lost as a society that we cannot graciously accept differences of opinion in a non-judgmental way?

 

“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.”

-George Orwell

 

To often, people ignore the fact that words have meaning. We must never forget that we are all very fragile. Once spoken, words cannot be taken back they can only be forgiven. A word spoken in anger or in jest can have lasting effect on another’s heart. Words can be instruments of loving kindness or weapons of destruction.  Spoken in hate, a word can live on in the heart of the recipient for many years, festering and tearing down the self worth of the individual.

 

“Words are things. You must be careful, careful about calling people out of their names, using racial pejoratives and sexual pejoratives and all that ignorance. Don’t do that. Someday we’ll be able to measure the power of words. I think they are things. They get on the walls. They get in your wallpaper. They get in your rugs, in your upholstery, and your clothes, and finally in to you.”

-Maya Angelou

 

While I am always willing to listen to a plea for forgiveness, the repeat of the same action over and over does not constitute a true act of contrition. It is representative of a state of denial and one that is unaware of the power their words have on those they care about. Similarly, each person in this world is standing alone, solely accountable for his or her actions. Feigning innocence by deflecting blame onto another is an immature approach.  Just because someone else has said or done something that is less than loving, this does not grant permission to act in a hurtful manner.  

 

“Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know more.”

-Confucius

 

With the complete saturation of technology, it is all the more apparent when someone goes off the rails and uses their words in a disrespectful and hurtful way. As a parent, I would never condone my child speaking in this way, yet we turn a blind eye when people in the public arena do so.  Why do we not hold those in leadership positions to a higher degree of scrutiny? These are the people our children will be looking up to as role models. It baffles the mind that so many chose to overlook this under the guise of party politics, strong leadership or even within a family unit.

 

“silence is the language of god,

all else is poor translation.”

―Rumi

 

My hope is that common sense will prevail. Words will be received as they are spoken and evaluated for what they are, without the spin of an agenda. In addition, people will think before they speak and think before they act. There is no do over button in life.  It is crucial to take a moment and consider if what one has to say is necessary and kind.  If the answer if no, don’t say it. It is really that easy.

 

Seeing Self in Another with Love

Seeing Self in Another with Love

love-grows-by-practice

As one that is constantly thinking deeply about life, I too can get lost in the process and miss the simplicity of it all. All roads inevitably lead back to the same point, and regardless of which one you travel it will hopefully end in a place of love and connection. Loving another and sharing ourselves with those around us is truly living fully and with heart.

 

“The business and method of mysticism is love.”

Evelyn Underhill

 

One of the things that I have come to understand is fully loving another is to first believe they are enough just as they are.  Easier said than done. It is impossible to give completely to another without loving self and all parts that create a unique individual. By the same token, love requires one to recognize that the other is enough just as they are, flaws and all. It is a beautiful thing to love not in spite of flaws but because of them.  

The only time I have felt this type of love fully is with my children. I have loved them unconditionally from the moment they were born.  It is wonderful and terrifying to feel deep love. I see them as they are, not as I wish they could be, and still choose to love them completely.  It is a total surrender to the possibility of vulnerability, hurt and pain. The truth being that we as humans will inevitably hurt each other. This hurt is never more raw than when it is administered by someone that has been afforded complete trust and support. For me, trust is not given lightly, and the fact that my children broke down my walls simply by being born was like skydiving without a parachute.

 

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

Lao Tzu

 

Conversely, in my marriage I found a person that did not see themselves as enough.  Without the ability to meet me halfway it was not a healthy union. It has been an invaluable lesson for me moving forward.  I can only meet a partner in the middle by believing that I am worthy of love.  If I totally accept myself, as I am and not how I wish to be, I am able to open my heart completely.  If my partner is not willing or able to travel to this point the relationship will fail.  One cannot do the work for another. It is a painful process to watch unfold. As one that likes to help people in anyway I can, I have to resist this with every bit of willpower I have.  I only have two volumes where love is concerned, zero and one hundred.  If I decide to commit myself to a person, it can be excruciating to go through a separation of souls during the breakdown of the relationship. As odd as it sounds, this may not be a show of poor judgment.  Wouldn’t we all be a bit more true to ourselves in choosing love over indifference?  What if we all decided to put away our checklist and idea of who is worthy and took the chance to open our hearts completely without hesitation? I for one have made the decision to live this way as much as possible. Will I get hurt? Yes, I will. I know I am strong, and I have the wounds to show it. Hurt is a byproduct of risk and I am now willing to take risks that I would not have a decade ago.

 

“I will soothe you and heal you,

I will bring you roses.

I too have been covered with thorns.”

-Rumi

 

Taking a leap of faith does not mean letting another treat me as less than enough.  If I approve of myself, I will never again sit frozen in a relationship that is not based on love.  I will know that I must move on and do so quickly. It is really that simple.  Looking deeply into another’s heart is always a mystery and a fascinating one. People are so complex and “seeing someone” in a spiritual sense is a type of connection that is unparalleled. I have no interest in casual relationships; I am truly a person of depth. This can be very intimidating to those who do not wish to share their true selves but rather continue along in this world wearing a mask. I do not wish to know the mask; it is of no importance to me. I wish to know the true person in their entirety.  This is also where the risk lies.  By peering intently into someone’s true self, I can become mesmerized in the discovery.  I find it so intriguing viewing how others navigate this world and if not careful will step too far into the pools of the other thereby losing myself. I make an effort to be a voyeur now, observing but not attaching when meeting new people. Again, they must meet me halfway if they wish to engage in deeper connection.  It cannot only be me.

 

Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.

Mother Teresa

 

I am thankful for my children for having opened up my heart in a way that would not have been possible any other way. They stretched my ability to be vulnerable and continue to do so.  Each time I choose love over anger, It is a learning moment and training for the soul. I find myself having an internal dialogue in those moments cheering me on, urging me to try and see the issue at hand from their perspective. Is that not the hallmark of a healthy relationship? Similarly, partners should encourage each other to be better, while at the same time completely accepting one another as enough.  It really is that simple.

 

Gentle Hearts in a Hard World

Gentle Hearts in a Hard World

gentle-heart-1

In the world it has certainly become a necessity to be tougher, stronger and slightly desensitized to the constant onslaught of troubling world events. This same toughness, while appearing to be an external strength, can be insidious and often leads to a numbness of awareness. How does one ever navigate a world that requires such a thick skin while still maintaining a gentle and loving spirit?

Gentleness is neither a display of copious sensitivity nor a personality quirk that needs to be corrected.  It is important to understand that being gentle does not in any way make one weak or less brave.  Holding a gentle heart when the world is pressuring one to do otherwise is actually a display of great strength of character. This unpopular response to external stimulus can be viewed as weird, uninformed or naive. Others may exhibit discomfort when being around a gentle heart by dropping belittling comments or demonstrating rude dissociation. This reaction should not be taken personally; it almost always comes from a place of fear.  Fear alone separates people. Fear of the unknown, fear of what is misunderstood and a fear of viewing the world apart from a peer group.

 

“In a gentle way you can shake the world.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

 

What then defines a gentle heart? My definition is softening in the face of harshness, choosing love when greeted with anger and activism in living by example. Embracing a gentleness of spirit and a connection to others can and should be a stabilizing force in a life. It is so very easy to go to a darker place.  When having a conversation with a peer who is speaking poorly of another or hearing about world events and feeling as if the end is near. Feeling tenderness for the other and even society as a whole is not easy when they both constantly disappoint. The world is a treacherous place at times and of late, is in a moment of instability that is troubling at best. Choosing tenderheartedness is a display of will and great strength requiring a recommitment sometimes moment to moment in choosing kindness over injustice and love over hate.

 

“You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship. Money is not a substitute for tenderness, and power is not a substitute for tenderness.”

Mitch Albom

 

This disciple is hard won.  I myself am a work in progress. It is only after many opportunities to make this choice that we finally begin to get it right….some of the time. I am in a constant state of replay as I navigate the world.  I replay all of the conversations I have had and review points when I have strayed from a gentle heart even if only in my head. This constant review acts as a mirror to my behavior and hopefully a pathway to better judgment. Others may not see these slight indiscretions as they are often an internal dialogue, but I know them well and hold some degree of disappointment in myself for having made them. Yes, I do try to be gentle with even myself, but that does not mean that I should avoid opportunities for growth simply because they make me uncomfortable, all the more reason to push forward.

 

Be gentle to all and stern with yourself.

Saint Teresa of Avila

 

As a woman I find this an even stronger calling and greater challenge in the workplace.  I am naturally a nurturing person and wish the best for everyone that I encounter in my day.  I like to make others feel welcomed and comfortable in my presence when at all possible.  This can be a direct contradiction to current business practice. Demonstrating stern leadership is viewed as strength whereas kindness and emotional connection is viewed as weakness. There does not appear to be a middle ground, it is an all or nothing proposition.  While difficult, it is necessary to disregard others stereotypical labels and find the place that suites your authentic self. Many times this means that I am going against the group view and find myself in familiar and lonely territory. It can be isolating to think differently from the tribe, but I have come to feel somewhat at ease with this discomfort. I am who I am and know in my heart that the way in which I navigate the world is my choice. If all I am guilty of is being gentle in the face of anger then so be it.

 

Synchronicity

Synchronicity

synchronicity

Synchronicity is a word that means many things to many people. Carl Jung coined the term as “the coincidental occurrence of events…especially psychic events that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality.”  Given this definition, my mother could be the poster child for synchronicity. She will often dream of events before they happen and has on many occasions called knowing that something is awry with one of her children. My children tell me I have inherited this trait as have most of my siblings.  I acknowledge having an extra awareness of those that I love and “feel” when they are struggling and in need of support. Is this relational synchronicity?  Hard to say.  I have written much about the energy of others and how this energy can be absorbed by those around them. Synchronicity takes it one step further by proposing that even when separated by large distance and association, others are connected to us in ways that we do not understand until after an event.  That event could be a brief introduction, a friendship or a deeper more meaningful relationship.  Regardless of what you believe, it is hard not to argue that people come into our lives for reasons that are unclear, leaving after having imparted important life lessons in our hearts.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

Carl Jung

As I have digested this idea over the years, I have stopped being surprised by these synchronous occurrences and instead find myself in absolute wonder over how the universe works. The reasons why a person enters a life and the timing of the relationship are never clearer than in retrospect. Similarly, the intuition that can be present is never more on display than upon reflection after the fact.

Synchronicity hints at the unified world behind the illusory veil of the material universe.

– Roger S. Jones

With all this being as it may, what is the actual point of synchronicity?  If it is only a method in which we reflect on occurrences after they happen, is it only a reflective tool rather than real time support? Would it not be better to have some perception in the moment?  I am going to argue the unpopular opinion that we do have perception but often ignore it. Call it what you will. Jung likens it to ESP or psychic ability.  I am not going to go that far, but will concede that there is something that cannot be explained by language and understanding available to us today. This undefinable element consists of the push and pull of the universe, one person’s energy to another. In some cases attracting people together for reasons unknown. The spiritual side of this gives this much more depth and possibility.  If things happen for a reason and we are drawn to one another at specific periods in our lives, this could absolutely be viewed as Divine intervention.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

-G.K. Chesterton (1874 – 1936)

No need to panic here.  I am not insisting that free will doesn’t exist. On the contrary free will is the most important element.  Suppose you have an intuition that something important is going to happen or you meet someone and just know that they will play a pivotal role in our life.  You have the option to recognize and honor this intuition or ignore it. I believe synchronicity happens many times and requires one to be open, recognizing that something of importance is in fact happening. If you are anything like me, you have experienced many instances  in which you had awareness of this shift, but talked yourself out of whatever guidance you were receiving. I find myself doing this time after time and it can be quite disappointing. It is almost worse knowing what may come and choosing not to act.  That is synchronicity going unheeded.

“At various points in our lives, or on a quest, and for reasons that often remain obscure, we are driven to make decisions which prove with hindsight to be loaded with meaning.”

Swami Satchidananda

Some examples of synchronicity might  be help arriving just when things are getting unmanageable.  Maybe there is no money for rent and a dear friend sends you a card with some cash in it. Maybe you have a sick child and meet a medical professional that specializes in your child’s exact illness.  Or maybe still, you are unemployed to the point of financial ruin but develop a lost connection with an old friend that leads to an open position. All seem like coincidences but can also be seen as synchronicity in practice. Through all of my difficulties in life I have always maintained that I was well taken care of.  I had loving support of family during my difficult relationship, I had friendships that sustained me in dark times and a roof over my head during the most challenging of financial times. The Divine aspect of synchronicity is hard to deny.

“Every time I have become aware of a synchronicity experience, I have had an accompanying feeling that some grace came along with it.”

— Jean Shinoda Bolen

Allowing the universe to unfold as it should with your eyes wide open can be uncomfortable. It is much easier being totally unaware, moving through life oblivious to the bigger picture. As odd as the concept of synchronicity may sound, I suggest that you try it on for size and see how differently you experience the world. Knowing that nothing happens without some sort of reason or purpose is comforting and allows for a feeling of connection that may otherwise not be present.  Take the road less traveled, take an opportunity to listen to your intuition and feel the synchronicity as it happens. Embrace the discomfort of it all, the unknown and understand that all will be as it should be in due time.

 

Seasons Ushering In Change

Seasons Ushering In Change

just-like-seasons-people-change

Change is upon us.  If you have not yet felt it, tune in with your intuition and you will.  The most apparent change of the moment is the seasons transitioning from summer to fall.  With the fall equinox approaching, the letting go of freedom found in summer is replaced with a return to focused work in the typically over scheduled autumn.  In my view, fall is representative of the metaphorical death of what is, in order to allow for what will be.  It is a wonderful time to lay the groundwork for changes you wish to see in your life. The days get shorter, the weather is crisper and a renewed attention is allowed as new directions are mulled over.

 

“There is a harmony

In autumn, and a lustre in its sky,

Which through the summer is not heard or seen,

As if it could not be, as if it had not been!”

–   Percy Bysshe Shelley   

 

Change can be a scary thing.  Comfort can be found in the common rhythm of the day whether productive or not. I am one such person that enjoys a certain amount of routine, thereby allowing stability to the ebb and flow of my day.  Interestingly, the one thing that I have not had in my life is just that, stability.  Change has been my constant companion for better or for worse and a constant teacher. Just when I think I have everything figured out, in waltz’s change.  Over time, I have come to accept that this is not only persistent but necessary for my growth.  

 

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”

― Rumi spiritual quote

 

The discomfort that I experience in intense moments of change requires an emotional and spiritual intelligence that is learned only through many difficult passages in life. I have slowly collected skills that have assisted me and I am much more equipped to navigate difficult transformations. I am also more aware of others when they are facing serious life challenges which call for evaluation and redirection.  Everything must move through seasons, seasons in work, relationships, a lifetime and in spiritual growth.  No one is immune to this. I can now listen intently to another’s growing pains, providing some degree of comfort without interjecting my own needs.  For me this is a small victory and one that I cherish.

I think of my parents and those that have seen many seasons. The elderly have always held my interest more than my own age group. They have wisdom in the eyes, born from having seen many hardships and joys along the way. This learned group can speak simply with a look, no words required. It is as if over the many years of living they have figured out that less is more and sitting in quiet is an opportunity to contemplate and grow.  Maybe this is why I am not afraid of the passing of the years, but rather look forward to them as a new chapter in my life.

 

“Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree.”

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

 

 

Yes, I have a utopian view of life at times. One in which I am sitting on a bench with my partner and watching the sunrise, walking slowly in the park and enjoying the coming of the years with beautiful quality moments. I inherently know that this may not be the reality I am afforded, but I still hope to have more quiet moments and gentle talks about life rather than the constant rushing around of present. While I have little control about the way in which my life unwinds, I do have control over the way I accept the certain change. The truth is no matter what I do, the seasons will in fact change.  Leaves fall, colder weather and darker days will come and the spring will slowly rise eternal bringing with it new life. It is the paradox to be sure. Seasons can be unpredictable in presentation, but always constant in eventual arrival.

 

All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.”

― St. Francis of Assisi, The Little Flowers of St. Francis of Assisi

 

The change of seasons also provides me another chance to reevaluate how I am living, what is working and what is not. Do I like my job, my health and fitness level, my relationships with family and friends, my creative outlets, my study interests? If the answer is no to any of these, now is the time to lay foundation and plant seeds for the new. Making small changes do matter.  Just as we do not see the small changes of the leaves until they have turned beautiful colors , falling to the ground thereby creating fertile soil, we will not reap the rewards from our own efforts for some time.

The point of the exercise is not how fast we achieve goals, but that we make small commitments to their eventual attainment each day. As seasons must patiently wait for the right time, so must we.  Fall cannot arrive in the spring or vice versa. It is this wisdom that the elderly maintain with patience and resolve.  They are in no rush to reach the next season, another winter or another spring.  They know this is never guaranteed. Instead they choose to find comfort in the beauty of the present.  Change will come in its own time,  that much is promised.

 

Confessions of a Librarian

Confessions of a Librarian

Sexylibrarian

This is not a post about mysticism but rather an observation of the profession that I love, library science. Librarians are often burdened with the stereotype of being either the wallflower or the wild person hiding behind the glasses.  Polar opposites at best, it is difficult to find a place in these very different roles for myself. In addition, librarians are an unusual bunch and the funny thing is that most know this.  I find it amusing to go to library conventions and people watch. What a fun group of people; quirky, unique, bright and intelligent with so many surprises under the hood.

“Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don’t ever piss one off.”

Spider Robinson

Reflecting on this, I came up with some librarian confessions that reflect these stereotypes in my humble opinion.  As a former Catholic girl, confessions seemed appropriate when talking about all of the ways myself and others can go against the status quo in this profession. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Confessions

Terrible with grammar and spelling

I am a lover of the written word, but that does not equate to a lover of the rules of writing.  I must admit that I am absolutely terrible at grammar, which you may already have noticed.  In addition, if it were not for spell check, I would be doomed. Yes, I am the librarian that Google’s reference terms just for the spell check before moving to the library catalog to look for the book. Can you spell Tchaikovsky or Dostoyevsky free hand? Nope I didn’t think so. When I do finally get around to writing that novel, I will have to have a very good editor. My cousin Carrie would be on the top of my list as a beautiful writer in her own rite. Likewise, the only person I have ever known that has a memory like a steel trap and an eye for grammar is Marit, my friend since childhood. She would make an incredible librarian.

Not as detailed oriented as you would think

Surprise! Not all librarians are detailed oriented.  I can be when necessary, but I am more naturally a big picture person. Give me a project in which I have to focus on an excel sheet for half the day and my brain goes to mush. To keep me on task, I utilize an array of reminders both virtual and analog. Only a complex system can keep this one on task. If not for that I would be creatively thinking, writing, daydreaming or anything else that does not require massive amounts of my analytical brainpower.

Talking loudly in the library

This is a strange one.  I am shy in most instances, but give me a subject that I love and you can’t shut me up. I am also the one welcoming everyone at the front desk, asking about their families, kissing former students babies and musing about life in general. This type of interaction is what I love about my job; it is the relationships, not necessarily the daily work.   Part of my oversight is training all new student employees.  I tell them to lower their voices and not have lengthy conversations with friends at the desk and I am not a good example in this way. Sometimes I have to consciously walk away from the desk so that it does not become a chat fest.

We are good at making you feel welcomed

My job is welcoming patrons to the library. I take this very seriously.  I will learn your name, remember a few things that you have told me and make sure to get to know your library routine.  This is all in an effort to provide exceptional customer service. Inevitably, each year someone thinks I am flirting with them just because I was nice.  I don’t know what happened in their childhood in which they equate kindness with flirting, but this is exactly what happens. The awkwardness of it is unreal. Just know, I will smile when you walk in, say hello and be genuinely happy to see you in the library.  No, I will not go on a date with you. I don’t mix business with pleasure. The one time I did, it did not end well. See here for the crib notes on that epic stage of my life.

Dislike of random readers advisory

Don’t ask me for a new good book because I probably will not know.  When I tell people that I am a librarian they often jump right into what they have read along with a ramble about favorite authors …all the while I am standing there not knowing at all what they are talking about. I like MY authors and subjects, and do not follow all the new best sellers that are being made into movies at a nauseating rate. Talk to me about dance, music, mysticism, geology or historical fiction and I might know a thing or two.

Help me help you

When patrons run into the library five minutes before class and start rudely asking us to pull a pile of books, understand that your inability to plan ahead does not constitute an emergency on our end. Like wise, when we get a list of fifty reserve items on the first day of class, we will not rush them for you. We like to be helpful but that does not equate to jumping when you say jump.  We have commitments just like everyone else and to-do lists that get quite long.  Bring your patience and good manners and you will be surprised what we will negotiate for you.  We aim to please.

Refusing to be the secretary at committees

This one gets me every time.  Yes, librarians are usually the only ones to show up on time to committee meetings, patiently waiting for everyone else who inevitably arrives ten minutes late. Yes, we are the ones that usually schedule the meetings in the first place and send out the calendar reminders. This does not mean that we are automatically the official note taker or scheduler for every committee on campus. I never bring a laptop to a meeting, that would just be asking for trouble.

Copyright careless at times

This one is bad…very bad. Yes we are the holders of copyright knowledge for the campus and get asked about this often.  One, I am not a lawyer, so don’t ask me for legal advice about the entire book you scanned and put up online. Two, I always err on the side of access. Putting up content for the semester and then taking it down when the semester ends seems well within the realm of possibilities for me. We are an educational institution, not Amazon. Come on people, have some common sense.

Surrounded by strong opinions

Yup, we have them. Don’t assume just because I do not share them with you, that I don’t have strong opinions. Librarians are some of the strongest willed and opinionated group of people I have ever known. In fact, I avoid contentious discussions with my colleagues at all costs for this very reason. Not only will they argue a point, but after the fact I will receive a barrage of unsolicited research supporting this opinion. Treacherous territory, especially in an election year. So no, I will not show discomfort when you get a book about a politician that I dislike and you will not pull me into a debate about global warming.  I want so badly to say something, but I will be the consummate professional and keep my opinions to myself.

Colorful lives

This one catches the student workers every year.  Being a librarian does not preclude me from living my life in an out of the box way.  I have danced, raised children, gone to break dancing battles with my daughter (I am a great hip-hop reference librarian) and survived the entertainment industry. I grew up in a haunted house, worked at both SeaWorld and Disney in high school, audition for CATS when I was 15 and helped run a children’s book company. Shall I go on? People are interesting and being a librarian does not mean that we are living a bland, boring or head in book existence.

These are just some of my library confessions.  It is a profession that is never dull and allows me to learn something new everyday on the job.  Who wouldn’t like that!

Sacred Moments and Slowing Down

Sacred Moments and Slowing Down

mind-at-peace

Sitting here on the fifteenth anniversary of September 11th, while reflecting on what is important in life, I find that I return to the same theme over and over. Sacred moments in which we slow down are what will be cherished and remembered when we leave this place. Sacred moments are ones in which we connect in a very real way with another without the desire or intention to share that moment with the world.  These moments are held tight in our hearts, virtually impermeable to the ravages of the world. It strikes me as saddening that these are not the same moments that many strive for or encounter within the busy culture of today.

 

“To the poet, to the philosopher, to the saint, all things are friendly and sacred, all events profitable, all days holy, all men divine.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Busyness for busyness sake is a horrible side effect of todays world.  We rush from one thing to the next multitasking and oblivious to each other.  We network, rush in our jobs and talk incessantly to a plethora of friends and family via phone, text, chat and Facebook message. In all of the hustle and bustle do we ever really take the time to look someone in the eye and see him or her? Taking a moment to check in and see what is going on in another’s world. For that matter, have we even got the skills to do so anymore?  I don’t think so, and this invaluable form of human connection should be reinvigorated and nurtured.

 

“Reclaiming the sacred in our lives naturally brings us close once more to the wellsprings of poetry.”

Robert Bly

 

I am more than sure that the survivors of the horrible tragedy of September 11th would give anything to have their loved one back for just a moment. To wrap their arms around and tell them they love them.  The trivialities of life are probably not even considered; a promotion that was in the works, a move to a bigger house, the imminent publishing of a novel, all meaningless without the value of the human connection gleaned from it.

 

Take this day and commit to stopping the hustle.  Slow down and tell those closest to you that you love them. Look at the beauty of a blue sky or the wonders of a mountain. Sit in the grass and feel the energy of the earth beneath you and watch the hummingbirds fly about.  These are all sacred moments that we miss in the busyness of our over scheduled days. Allow your mind to linger in these moments that will never be repeated, gracing this space just once. In doing so, you free your mind from the constant and obsessive thoughts from today’s information saturated world.

 

“In this moment, everything is sacred.”

Ariel Books

 

Smile just because you can and feel the wind on your face. Sit peacefully and watch a sunrise or sunset. Learn to sit in the storm and allow yourself to slow down.  Not only will you experience the beauty of this sacred moment, you will open the mind to new possibilities and creativity that are suppressed by the daily to-do list. Honor those that no longer have these opportunities for there own sacred moments and who’s loved ones only have memories to hold in their hearts. Dare to live your life in its most honest and loving form. Slow down.

 

Holding Space for Another

Holding Space for Another

Patience Lao Tzu

People are all very unique and experience the world in a multitude of ways. Emotional experiences are varied and even amongst the ones closest to us, life requires different tools and direction at any given moment.   In our nuclear families, a child can be struggling with difficulties at school at the same time that a parent is excelling at work.  How does the parent make the best effort to be empathetic and supportive when all they want is to dive into the pools of self-praise and joy? The same can be said for an older couple in which one is ill and another is still vibrant and able. The partner that is vibrant has to allow space for their sick partner to grieve and work through their limitations without becoming frustrated or directing the process.  They must also be able to feel joy, happiness and strength and not feel guilty about this.

 

With all of these various states of being, how do we best support each other? I believe it is in holding space for another. Holding space for another is allowing the time to process the emotions that are present without trying to direct the outcome.  The only requirement is to offer loving support and encouragement when needed.  If you are a person that is drawn to “fix” others, this may sound foreign to you. Difficulties in life are not necessarily things that need “fixing” , rather they are opportunities to walk a path less traveled and learn something about ourselves on the journey.  It is so hard to see those that we care about suffering, especially if you are an empathic person. They hurt, you hurt, they are sad, you are sad.  I understand this conundrum given that I cry when killers are sentenced to jail or when young adults make egregious mistakes and the course of their lives are altered forever.  It is tough not to feel for someone in a dark space.

 

It is tragic how few people ever ‘possess their souls’ before they die… Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation…”

Oscar Wilde

 

On a daily basis, holding space for another is done in small moments rather than in bigger life events.  It can be paying attention when your child comes home and proceeds to talk to you for an hour about their day, processing the emotions of an experience just by sharing with another.  All that is required in this scenario is some deep listening, a smile, nod or hug of reassurance.  By doing so, you are holding space for your child to explore their experience the best way they know how. They are still doing the work but you are supporting them. Another example would be if you have wonderful news about your day but as soon as your partner arrives home you see that he or she has had a difficult day and is having trouble handling the emotions of it all? Holding space to discharge the emotion of the day requires disciple when all you want to do is blurt out about your fabulous day. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes of connection and demonstrating that you are supportive to allow for the energy to clear.  At that point, your partner will be much more able to accept your good news and celebrate, thereby returning the favor.

 

“The psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight.”

Joseph Campbell

 

Bigger life events call for much more maturity when holding space for another.  Supporting a loved one as they pass from this world to the next, attending the high risk delivery of a child, counseling a friend that has just gone through a divorce or lost their job. These are all difficult moments to be sure and call for spiritual support of a higher degree. Holding space requires a surrender of all expectations. This is easier said than done when you have an emotional stake in the outcome. Time and time again, grace is called upon to provide strength and resolve. This is not work for the faint of heart, but rather real work of the soul that leaves one exhausted, spent and blissful.

 

The Dark Night of the Soul

The Dark Night of the Soul

Nietzsche_Chaos

The storybook life is everywhere.  Disney characters are on every imaginable brand just as movies with happy endings rate higher with the critics.  The main character always lands the promotion, gets the girl and lives in a picket fence house happily ever after.  With images such as these, it is no wonder that when one face’s doubts and difficulties, the value of a life can feel somehow less than others. Often this type of revelation is followed by a dark night of the soul, a period of time in which all is called to question.  It is the dark place that exists in all of us that we often choose to ignore.  We dress it up with optimistic stories, beautiful pictures and by telling ourselves that we are okay.

 

There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.

~ Carl Gustav Jung

 

I find this revealed most when speaking to young adults.  The thing I hear repeated most often from graduating students is that they “just want to be happy” and “be successful”. I am never sure how to receive this.  I know that happiness is an impossible emotion to bottle. I also know that success is measured in many ways, not just wealth and accolades. I wish I could tell them the truth without burdening their souls.  The truth is that life is hard.  There are any number of times in which sadness, depression, faithlessness and despair are the ruling emotions. The question is not whether we will experience a dark night of the soul, but rather how we will handle it when it arrives.

 

“The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it emotionally. A higher paradox confounds the emotion as well as reason and there are long periods in the lives of all of us, when the truth as revealed by faith is hideous, emotionally disturbing, downright repulsive. Witness the dark night of the soul in individual saints . . .”

Flannery O’Connor

 

 

The human condition is one of examining, suffering, loving and hundreds of other states of being. It is what makes us human. Without these trying times how would we ever evolve and become who we are meant to be? If I had never lived through a difficult relationship that was crushing in so many ways, how would I ever recognize the value of a loving and genuine relationship?  If I had never been on the brink of homelessness with two young children how would I ever see the value of stability and the kindness of strangers?  If I had never experienced illness and all of the uncertainty that comes with it how would I ever find solace in having faith that all will be well? You see, it really is only in the moments passing through the dark night of the soul and upon arriving on the other side, that we experience grace in all of its beauty.  It is as if the curtain in a dark room is opened, and the light is let in for the first time.

 

Place no hope in the feeling of assurance, in spiritual comfort. You may well have to get along without this. Place no hope in the inspirational preachers of Christian sunshine, who are able to pick you up and set you back on your feet and make you feel good for three or four days–until you fold up and collapse into despair. Self-confidence is a precious natural gift, a sign of health. But it is not the same thing as faith. Faith is much deeper, and it must be deep enough to subsist when we are weak, when we are sick, when our self-confidence is gone, when our self-respect is gone.

–Thomas Merton

 

With this understanding, the happiness culture of today needs a reality check.  Yes, happiness is a wonderful attribute as well as gratitude for all that is given and received. But living in happiness at all times is a recipe for disaster.  It is a masking of what is real and an untruth of the greatest sort. Showing uncertainty and fear is not a weakness but strength.  Children should see their parents cry when called for. Stoicism is not a valuable expression of love to model. Partners should have the difficult conversations about misgivings and disillusionment.  By revealing this to another, the potential for a deeper connection is created.  Living fully in both the darkness and light, we are here wholeheartedly and embracing the journey rather than the singular moment.

 

Nobody said it would be easy, and it certainly is not. It takes many years for a diamond to be formed from rock. Years of thrashing from the elements are required to shape and mold this precious jewel.  I like to think our souls are like the diamond, slowly being etched out from all of the burdens and joys of a lifetime made ready to shine.

 

Patience or hypomone

Patience or hypomone

Patience2

Our world is all about instant gratification. Whether in careers, relationships or spiritual development, the need it now mentality has permeated our very being as well as the relationships we have with one another. Information is literally at our fingertips. We have the ability to reach out and communicate with loved ones in an instant, access to a never-ending news cycle and social media to dictate our relationship cadences.  All together it equals a rushed and forced reality. Slowing down is not even on the radar.  To function in this environment, constant streams of disconnected thoughts zoom around in our brains.  It is akin to a ramble that never ends or rush hour traffic on a Friday afternoon. Unsettling for even the most balanced and mindful and downright disruptive for most.

 

“Good character is not formed in a week or a month. It is created little by little, day by day. Protracted and patient effort is needed to develop good character.”

Haraclitus

 

Creating space for quiet contemplation, creativity and spiritual growth is a challenge as witnessed by the anxiety and discontent of our population. Without attention, these very important life practices are left by the wayside and a life can become shallow and less meaningful. This dizzying pace is the result of the neglect of a character trait that is extremely important on a life journey, patience.  The greek word for patience is hypomonḗ (υπομονή).  There are two separate words for patience in the Greek language, but for the purposes of this piece, I am using this version as it speaks to me more directly. The definition of hypomonḗ is as follows:

“a remaining behind, a patient enduring, endurance, steadfastness, patient waiting for”

My favorite part of this definition is the word steadfast. Steadfast reminds me of another word, resolute. To be resolute is to be purposeful.  A patient and purposeful commitment to mindfulness is necessary to find a semblance of space in a busy mind.  Hypomonḗ can be found in many early spiritual texts and was understood as an important element to an examined life. Picture yourself in a long line at the store or caught in rush hour traffic, all fertile ground for exercising patience. I am sure that you can recall examples of those that choose to sink to a lower self, using harsh words, furious insults or simply decide to rudely ignore those around them.  It is so disappointing and shameful that the primary interaction we have when harried is anger. What if we all took a moment and choose to remain steadfast within our spirits. Standing firm and choosing loving kindness with all whom we interact.  What a different world this would be for it.

 

“Inner peace is impossible without patience. Wisdom requires patience. Spiritual growth implies the mastery of patience. Patience allows the unfolding of destiny to proceed at its own unhurried pace.”

Brian Weiss

 

In my work, I have found that interacting with loving kindness catches people off guard.  They simply do not know how to respond.  I have even had men think I am flirting with them simply by being kind.  Is that really where we have come?  Kindness is the exception not the rule? Patience is also important when beginning a relationship. To really understand another, much time must be directed towards that end.  If we are rushing around, energy cannot be given to this important job. To love another soul is one of the most important things that we do in our lives, yet it is given such little priority over other life milestones.  It is distressing and with lasting consequences. Young people jump into relationships like they are trying on clothes for size.  The depth of the process has been lost in this rushed world and the relationships that result can be just as superficial.  

 

“Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.”

Rumi

 

Similarly, patience in vocation is essential. From a young age we are asked what we want to be when we grown up.  Children list a litany of job descriptions, but one never hears nice, kind or loving as goals to aspire to.  Upon reaching adulthood it is not uncommon to become dissatisfied with life and unsure of which vocational path to follow.  Why must we choose just one?  If we are living authentically a path will unfold, as it should.  Divine timing is not negotiable and patience is required. We must continually stand steadfast in the unknown until the answers we seek are reveled. As long as we are true to ourselves we are living the best life that we can in that moment. That is enough.

 

The practice of patience holds such great meaning for me, I have at times considered getting a tattoo of the word in a place that I can constantly gaze. Sometimes a visual cue is all that is required to remember to return to that place of a calm and gentle spirit. Whatever your method,  try to continually practice patience with yourself and all that you encounter.  Perfection is not the goal, but continued effort is. If we place greater importance on this character trait, the busy mentality might finally begin to abate, the result being space created for the meaningful life work that remains.