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Creative Energy and the Feminine

Creative Energy and the Feminine

 

“I can tell you that it takes great strength to surrender. You have to know that you are not going to collapse. Instead, you are going to open to a power that you don’t even know, and it is going to come to meet you. In the process of healing, this is one of the huge things that I have discovered. People recognized the energy coming to meet them. When they opened to another energy, a love, a divine love, came through to meet them. That is what is known as grace. We all sing about amazing grace. It is a gift. I think that it comes through the work that we do. For some people, it can come out of the blue, but I know that in my own situation, the grace came through incredible vigilance.”

Marion Woodman

 

Surrender, easier in concept than practice. Surrender implies weakness, a giving in that comes from a lack of resolve. This implication could not be further from the truth. Surrender is an action of incredible strength. One that takes much courage and a facing down of fears that otherwise go unchallenged. As a woman, I have spent much of my adult life learning about this strength firsthand. I have experienced a complete missing of the mark in this regard and the intervention of spirit at these junctures. While terrifying, this collision of fear and spirit can be spectacular in every sense of the word.

 

The feminine spirit personifies receiving and all of the nuances required to bend but not break. Women are expected from a very early age to be soft spoken and service orientated. As women age, the Divine spirit continues to burn and will do so until set free by choice or circumstance. For some women this fire is set free much earlier than others, but timing is of no real consequence. What does matter is that this feminine energy ultimately finds it way into the light and serves as a beacon for other women not quite ready to shine.

 

As one that has always relished the role of mother, I have towed this line with practiced accuracy. I am one that enjoys every aspect of nurturing another life. It feeds my maternal instinct. Conversely, I have a creative fire that burns hot beneath the surface. I abhor being told how to express this creativity, especially when outside influences unwittingly attempt to cool this heat. My journey with the written word began in elementary school, but it took four decades before I greeted my feminine spirit with love and published this blog. I had already raised my children, suffered a difficult relationship and lived the better part of a very raw and real life. Life had gotten in the way and my creative spirit had suffered until words set me free.

 

“Rage and bitterness do not foster femininity. They harden the heart and make the body sick.”

Marion Woodman

 

Unexpressed creative energy can manifest as rage, anger and depression. If I had never picked up a pen again, my life would certainly be a wandering from point to point with no compass, perennially lost with a heart sealed so tightly nothing could permeate. I have only grace to thank for my current situation. With copious amounts of grace, I have managed to find myself in a new space, feeling spirit in ways that amuse, mystify and make whole my entire being. I am so very thankful for this discovery.

 

“To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to the violence of our times.”

― Thomas Merton

 

By embracing this Divine feminine completely, I am now able to explore other areas of my life without fear of retribution or even failure. Do I wish to stay in my current profession? What qualities do I value in another? How do I envision my life moving forward? I can dream boldly without the voice of fear drowning out my thoughts. I give myself permission to fall short while learning to shine as brightly as possible. This evolution is all a part of the process of discovery. It requires the shedding of an uncomfortable skin layer upon layer until the very core of self is revealed. No more hiding, no more false representations, just me.

 

I am most in companion with my Divine feminine when I quiet the noise around me, becoming apart of the natural world once again. I purposefully let go, surrender to this change of pace without persecution. It is only in this quiet space that my creative energy begins to flow. It is in trying to attain this flow that I most often fall short. Surrender is just that, a letting go of the outcome. I must accept that I may have nothing of extrinsic value to say. It must be enough that I have put it down on paper thereby releasing it from the jagged corners of my soul. This writing in some ways is selfishly for me as I continue to allow grace to have its way with me, as it will. Only in this way can I find my way home.

 

Becoming Alike in Our Differences

Becoming Alike in Our Differences

Sometimes hidden from me

in daily custom and in trust,

so that I live by you unaware

as by the beating of my heart,

Suddenly you flare in my sight,

a wild rose looming at the edge

of thicket, grace and light

where yesterday was only shade,

and once again I am blessed, choosing

again what I chose before.

-Wendell Berry    

 

Speaking with student employees, I found myself in a philosophical conversation on familiar ground. Always slightly out of step with my peers, it was refreshing to tread the fertile ground of the “why” question with younger minds. I should preface this by saying the school I work for is an experimental art school and both faculty and students tend to walk the edge of what is considered fringe in thought and practice.

The conversation turned to the idea that people in close proximity become inadvertently like-minded.  Is it human nature to form tribes and alliances with other like-minded people?  My question for the students was, “In your differences, are you not becoming more alike?” This caused some head scratching and much debate back and forth. Is it in societies push to diversify in which we have stepped beyond embracing uniqueness into siloed tribes? Uncomfortable question to be sure.

People like to feel a sense of belonging. Even in fringe communities, the casts of characters often dress the same, eat the same and think the same. I am baffled when I see this happening even at an institution of creative and exploratory practice. Look closely and you may notice the similarities of people in these groups. Yes, they exist outside the social norms of the day, but in their own tribe they are alike.

As one the wanders from one group to the next, I find it more challenging to be separate. By choosing this lifestyle, I am often alienated from the most unique groups of people. Maybe it is because I am a free spirit yet do not buy into every crystal and aura reading ideology. Maybe it is because I am bohemian, yet will not run around in a tie dyed shirt barefoot in the woods. These sensibilities do not speak to me in totality. Parts of the lifestyle do, but never everything. This may also be why I find organized religion difficult. I enjoy pieces of most practices, but tire of the all or nothing mentality required to call myself Christian, Jewish, or Muslim. I prefer the beautiful flow of mysticism encompassing many different views while asking the same questions. In the realm of politics, I am an independent. Politics has a pack mentality that truly sickens me. I am allowed to have my own ideas separate and apart from a party. God forbid I am a conservative supporting abortion rights or a liberal championing lower taxes.

 

Not Christian or Jew or Muslim, not Hindu

Buddhist, sufi, or zen. Not any religion

or cultural system. I am not from the East

or the West, not out of the ocean or up

from the ground, not natural or ethereal, not

composed of elements at all. I do not exist,

am not an entity in this world or in the next,

did not descend from Adam and Eve or any

origin story. My place is placeless, a trace

of the traceless. Neither body or soul.

I belong to the beloved, have seen the two

worlds as one and that one call to and know,

first, last, outer, inner, only that

breath breathing human being.

-Jelaluddin Rumi

 

Wendell Berry’s, “wild rose” speaks most specifically to me as one hiding under the radar, but blooming nonetheless. Each group of people I interact with has something to teach and this is what is so fascinating to me. Whether I borrow some of the ideas or not is completely up to me. Being different requires strength in standing alone. Solidarity with self can be difficult in practice. It is saying no when everyone around you is saying yes; it is being comfortable being the only voice for your point of view. Maybe the answer is not to continually seek out people more like us; maybe it is to flourish among others who are different. In this way we can celebrate our differences with no expectation to conform to a specific type of rebellion.

We are all members of the human race. In this way we are all the same. Given the freedom to explore our personalities we flourish into a gorgeous field of wildflowers, each different but as beautiful as the one before. A daisy does not try to be a rose or any other flower for that matter, the daisy just blooms. Each flower, standing alone and blooming, creates the togetherness of the field. Breathtaking only because of these differences. The next time you are in a group of people, find those most different from yourself and spend some time with them. You may discover a few things of interest to observe, listen and learn from.

Looking to the Full Moon

Looking to the Full Moon

Faithful Lover

The moon came to me last night

With a sweet question.

She said,

“The sun has been my faithful lover

For millions of years.

Whenever I offer my body to him

Brilliant light pours from his heart.

Thousands then notice my happiness

And delight in pointing

Toward my beauty.

Hafiz,

Is it true that our destiny

Is to turn into Light

Itself?”

And I replied,

Dear moon,

Now that your love is maturing,

We need to sit together

Close like this more often

So I might instruct you

How to become

Who you

Are!

Hafiz

 

 

I am a woman of the moon. I am a summer baby born in the sign of Cancer and a few days before the first man landed on the moon in 1969. So many of my life’s pivotal events have centered around the moon that I have begun to feel the connection is much more intentional than suspected. With the full moon occurring tonight, I cannot help but take notice of all the major life changes chasing me down.

 

To begin with, my daughter and her boyfriend have decided the timing is right to step into adult life fully and move out.  My daughter has lived with me for a few years and I can think of nothing but blessings for having had this opportunity.  I doubted we could tolerate living together at the onset given the great disparity in our personalities. I had visions of complete chaos in my home, loud music, loud voices, late night soirees and junk food everywhere. In actuality, I have had a front row seat to her growth.  It has been nothing less than an amazing evolution to observe.

 

In addition to my housing transition, I have been dating someone. He is a wonderful man that has shown me in the most authentic way what it means to truly love another. Being in this relationship has required that I move about in a much less guarded manner.  While this can be exhilarating, it is at the same time terrifying. Having closed my heart off for a number of years, I can happily say that I have embraced the fear and vulnerability by choosing to be present in this relationship each and every day. Relinquishing some of my hard fought independence has not been easy but absolutely necessary for my growth.  

 

My son is also experiencing transition. After graduating from college and breaking up with a long-term girlfriend, he was a bit lost. Unsure of his next step and alone for the first time, he took a year to explore. Watching a child struggle is never easy. I had to exercise all of my mothering skills by quietly supporting him without being obtrusive, always a delicate balance. Thankfully, he is nearing the light at the end of this tunnel. He is fully employed in a job that is a stepping-stone for his future career goals. He seems satisfied with his life trajectory after a period of disillusionment and I could not be more proud of him.

 

Bring your wings tonight

I want to fly with you

Through the galaxies and sparkling stars

Elena Notara

 

At the same time, I find myself quickly approaching the half century mark. My older sister will meet this milestone in September and I will do the same in two years leaving me perplexed as to how quickly my life has accelerated.  I choose to greet this milestone as a mid life opportunity rather than a crisis. What is it that I feel the most passionate about and how can I move toward that passion while still supporting myself in this fiscally motivated world?

 

Finally, I am also on the precipice of menopause and have the good fortune of experiencing all of the physical wonders that this life change can bring. A woman’s body is an amazing and I am in awe of how many changes we weather with gusto. I tire of the stigma that menopause is a sickness and an uncomfortable physical transformation. My body has carried me through many experiences; birthing my children, years of rigorous classical ballet training, pleasure, pain and now sickness.  I aspire to respect the current process and approach it with a divine wisdom that centuries of women have exhibited before me.

 

This is all a very long-winded way to say that I am feeling the intensity and pull of this full moon in specific relief. I feel it so deeply that at times it hurts. It is as if I am a butterfly at last being birthed from my cocoon. I feel all of the constrictions that have held me thus far and the freedom of the open sky beckoning. I have a deep desire to shed everything that is not authentic. This shedding leaves me feeling bare and unprotected from a barrage of elements.

 

Because of this uncomfortable vulnerability, I feel the constant duality of wanting to escape this transformation by hiding away until this energy passes while at the same time wanting to run directly into the eye of the storm. The night sky calls to me, mapping out my place in the greater universe. I belong out there, with the stars and the moon. I feel it deeply in my bones as if a homesickness. I know that all of these transitions, while unsettling, are my pathway to this flight. I look to the sky on this full moon for comfort and bathe in the light feeling at once as if I am home and all is well.

 

Be Yourself. Everyone Else is Taken.

Be Yourself. Everyone Else is Taken.

“You deserve a lover who wants you disheveled, with everything and all the reasons that wake you up in a haste and the demons that won’t let you sleep. You deserve a lover who makes you feel safe, who can consume this world whole if he walks hand in hand with you; someone who believes that his embraces are a perfect match with your skin. You deserve a lover who wants to dance with you, who goes to paradise every time he looks into your eyes and never gets tired of studying your expressions. You deserve a lover who listens when you sing, who supports you when you feel shame and respects your freedom; who flies with you and isn’t afraid to fall.You deserve a lover who takes away the lies and brings you hope, coffee, and poetry.”

*Frida Kahlo*

 

Loving self is one of the hardest things we all must learn. The internal nitpicking and focus on faults rather than strengths can become incessant. While I have worked on self-acceptance for many years, it still eludes me to some degree. I suspect I fake it better than most, putting on an air of self-confidence. The truth behind this grand deception is that I, like so many others, am still faced with many moments of defeat, self-loathing and dissatisfaction.

 

As a teenager,  the idea of loving self could not have been more foreign. It was ingrained in me not to think too highly of myself by embracing humility fully and completely.  If I felt my confidence rise, I worried that my ego was out of control. The only way I knew to rectify this imaginary ego feast was by putting myself down. I began to constantly think I was not as smart, beautiful or capable as I believed myself to be. Being a dancer did not do much to challenge this negative internal dialogue. Dancers thrive on self criticism. We are never good enough and perfection is something that is always an unattainable goal. What horrible voices to have on repeat in one’s head during formative years.

 

Shortly after discovering the concept of self-love, I began the process of unraveling years of conditioning.  I practiced self-affirmations and still do to this day. Frida Kahlo’s poem is one such affirmation speaking to what she and all women deserve in regards to love. I find these words have a specific purity thereby quieting the negative voices if only for a moment. In no other way are we more vulnerable than when loving another.  Sharing our heart completely without hiding the jagged pieces of our soul, is scary and requires some degree of self-confidence.  One needs to feel deserving of the type of love that is both healthy and good. If one does not feel deserving, it is quite possible to fall into an unhealthy relationship.  One that is dictated by faults and fears rather than loving acceptance.

Reading the following line by Kahlo settled in my bones like an old and familiar wisdom longing to be brought to light.

 

“You deserve a lover who makes you feel safe, who can consume this world whole if he walks hand in hand with you; someone who believes that his embraces are a perfect match with your skin.”

 

We all deserve the intensity of this type of connection. Why settle when the possibility exists for an otherworldly love? I say, never settle into a relationship that does not honor who you authentically are: mind, body and spirit. Settling, while providing some comfort, will have long term consequences. It is never enough to be with someone that does not “see” you and value you for all that you are and all that you are not. Know your worth and be unabashedly who you are. Celebrate all of the unique and beautiful qualities that make you…you. Be open and receive, you deserve it.

 

Finding Focus

Finding Focus

About twenty years ago, while living in Salt Lake City, I came across a stone that is still with me to this day. It is a smoothly shaped stone that can be held in the palm of my hand with a beautiful butterfly etched on one side. I have spent many a day rubbing this stone between my fingers, thinking through situations and seeking resolutions.  It is my personal “thinking” stone that helps me calm all of the noise in my brain during times of uncertainty.  

 

The stone currently lives in my car and I pick it up often while driving.  The quiet of the road and requisite stillness is fertile ground for contemplation.  I actually enjoy this time; the repetitiveness of rubbing the stone along with the sound of the road is oddly relaxing. After taking a few minutes to “zen-out” I always feel a bit more focused and sure of myself.

 

 

While dancing, I replicated this focus by taking daily class. When dancing, the mind cannot wander and full attention to the movement is required.  An example of this not going as planned was when I broke my foot simply by thinking of my to do list while in the middle of petit allegro. A mistake such as this caused me months of training and much discomfort, a very good but painful lesson on the importance of focus.

 

“Sometimes I think there are only two instructions we need to follow to develop and deepen our spiritual life: slow down and let go.”

― Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Dance: Moving To the Rhythms of Your True Self

 

I believe that a relaxed state of focus can only be achieved by slowing down the pace of each day whenever possible. Zen Buddhist and advocate of slowness, Haemin Sunim, was recently interviewed on NPR about this very topic. He spoke to the point that the best mechanism for happiness and clarity is to slow down the brain. Easier said than done in our busyness culture of today. He has also written a book titled “The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down” about this very topic that I highly recommend.

 

I continue to have an ongoing fascination with the culture of busy versus the idea of slowing down, never really understanding the need it now mentality. Mental clarity cannot be achieved by multitasking nor is this a worthy goal.  Mental clarity can only be achieved with focus. As a woman that has worked my whole adult life while raising children, I am well aware of the pitfalls of multitasking, never really giving any one thing complete attention. In this way I was becoming a jack of all trades but a master of none.

 

“mind that is fast is sick, a mind that is slow is sound, and a mind that is still is divine. This is what the Bible means when it says, “Be still and know that I am God.”

― Eknath Easwaran, The Mantram Handbook

 

Another leader in the slow living community is Eknath Easwaran.  I simply adore his writing. I wrote a post about one of his books Love Never Faileth that I cherish and still reach for at times when I am feeling a little out of sorts. Words can have the same affect as my thinking stone, calming the mind and slowing down the freeway of thoughts that plague me when taking on too much.

 

The question that lingers for me is the “why”. Why do we insist on moving about the world at breakneck speed? What are we afraid of missing? Did it ever occur to anyone that simply by moving at this pace, we are missing the point of a meaningful life? These questions haunt me. I sometimes get the urge to just throw my hands up and say “NO”, I will not move at this pace to meet an end that has no merit in the grander scheme of things.

 

When was the last time you stopped to talk with someone in line at the store, or start a conversation with a neighborhood or gym companion?  We are all walking this planet together and are interconnected in ways that may not be visible in our rush to achieve, acquire and succeed. I challenge you to take some time and explore slowness. Sit quietly with a loved one, read a book, walk in nature with no agenda or time limitation. Allow your mind to unravel the knots of expectations and just be. In doing so, you may actually see things in a new light and the answers you seek may come to you effortlessly. Live slow and let go.

 

Resilience

Resilience

 

I have been reading Elie Wiesel’s Night once again and am struck by Mr. Wiesel’s ability to move past what were most certainly evils beyond comprehension. His capacity to find purpose and strength while living a full and productive life, was truly remarkable.  Mr. Wiesel never forgot what happened to him, and wrote quite eloquently about the camps leaving a valuable historical artifact for generations to come. What then allowed him to wake up each morning and approach the day with renewed optimism? The single most important character trait I believe Mr. Wiesel possessed was resilience, the capacity to recover and move on from difficulties. He obviously made a conscience decision to live wholeheartedly, while still bearing the weight and scars of his experiences.  Painful memories do not just go away, they only fade with time.  I can only imagine what may have haunted him throughout his life.   

 

“I pray to the God within me that He will give me the strength to ask Him the right questions.”

― Elie Wiesel, Night

 

How do we transfer this model of resilience and utilize it in our own lives? Further, have you ever meet someone that seemed stuck in reverse, unable to move past a traumatic series of events or to leave behind what has not served them?  It is difficult lending support to someone in this position knowing that they alone are in control of their destiny; they alone have the power to move forward, but for some reason do not. The justifications for this puzzling behavior are many, but lack of resilience is absolutely one possible factor

My personal belief is that resilience is seeded in the belief that there is a Divine power with us at all times. This provides strength when we have none, hope when we no longer see the light and comfort in the darkest of times.  For me, resilience is integrated with my faith and it seems that for Mr. Wiesel this may also have been the case. Faith does not mean blindly accepting difficulties, rather it is standing up to these challenges whatever they may be, while still holding on to the belief of Divine support.  This does not in any way mean I believe that these evils are all a part of a larger plan or purpose.  I simply believe that given whatever circumstances one befalls in life, we are supported by a love that is greater than the environment that surrounds us.

 

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

-Helen Keller

 

Resilience is demonstrated most beautifully when making the choice to move towards love rather than dwell in darkness. It sounds simple, but in practice it can be excruciatingly difficult. Faced with atrocities that are beyond anything one could imagine, it takes great character to look for and see the light. It also takes great determination and willpower to consciously decide to show up each day with optimism. What we can learn from people such as Mr. Wiesel, Helen Keller and many of the great mystics is that it is not if one will experience darkness in life, it is when. Obviously some have seen far more heartbreak and sadness than others, but the true measure of resilience still lies in one’s ability to rise above a circumstance no matter how bleak.

 

“When I stopped to take a breath, I noticed I had wings.”

― Jodi Livon

 

The study of mysticism has been pivotal in my understanding of this.  By viewing my “darkness” through the eyes of those that have suffered before me, I begin to see a pathway forward, a way to find some peace in the moment and in the process. I have discovered my resilience and call upon it often, knowing that I am well supported no matter how awful I may feel.  Having had a number of experiences that could have knocked me to my knees, I find myself still standing and hopeful that today will be yet another beautiful day.

Take the Time to See and Hear One Another

Take the Time to See and Hear One Another

The tone in my workplace and in the community at large has been tenuous of late. With the change of the political landscape, many began to strategize for the worst case scenario and fear has taken hold. As one that sees the grey in things that others see as only black or white, I often end up in the position of peacemaker. I listen to all of the varied and passionate opinions without really giving anyone a sense of what my personal thoughts are. Why do I do this? Well, I believe most people have no interest in hearing my personal opinions. In fact I will go as far to say that most people simply want to be seen and heard, listening requires a skill set that many do not possess.

There is nothing in this world that does not speak.

Every thing and every being is continually calling out

its nature, its character, and its secret; and the more

the inner sense is open, the more capable it becomes

of hearing the voice of all things.

—Hazrat Inayat Khan

All healthy debates begin with the premise that one party speaks while the other party listens.  This means listening not only to formulate a response, but listening to understand. There are many ways to listen, one of which is by observation. People give so many clues as to how they are feeling and what their position is on a subject. If I spend time observing, I begin to get a sense of how the other party has come to their position.  I feel empathy for the journey that has lead them to where they are and “see” them without all of the posturing and pretense people use to navigate the world. This is when things really get interesting and my favorite part of getting to know someone.

“There are some people who see a great deal and some who see very little in the same things.”

Thomas Henry Huxley

 

Being seen is scary. We function day to day wearing a mask of sorts and only show the world what we want them to see. This is false version of self and one that shows little of what is inside. It saddens me that people would go to such lengths to hide a part of themselves. It is the true self that is both fascinating and beautiful, faults and all. I am certainly not perfect and I do not expect anyone else to be.  Yet, we all still place false expectations on ourselves trying to be the person we think others want us to be.

 

By committing to see another, we are learning to view ourselves in a more loving and accepting way. If I look deeply at another and see the flaws that make them so uniquely beautiful, I have a much easier time accepting my flaws.  The idea that what we see in others is simply a reflection of ourselves is telling. It stings to look closely and identify traits that we dislike about ourselves, a mirror of sorts.  I find this most intimately with my children. If I see one of them being overly critical, I recognize that I may have had a hand in that just as my mother did with me.  It is painful and disappointing to see poor behavior passed down. Only by bravely “seeing” another, one begins to see these patterns. I challenge everyone to take some time and observe a partner, coworker, friend or neighbor. Someone that may have different views or ways in which they navigate the world, but deserving to be seen just the same.

Dragons and Princesses: Living, Loving and Learning the Mystery

Dragons and Princesses: Living, Loving and Learning the Mystery

dragon-and-the-princess-coloring-page

Be patient to all that is unsolved in your heart and try to

Love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books

that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the

answers, which cannot be given you because you would not

be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without

noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

Resolve to be always beginning – to be a beginner

-Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Writing this on the cusp of the full moon and with so much change chasing me down, I find solace in the opening sentence of the above poem by Rainer Maria Rilke. “Be patient to all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves…”  I have so many questions, many more than I thought possible at my age.  I wrongly assumed that nearing the fifth decade of life I would have acquired wisdom and be in the honorary position of teacher, imparting what I have learned to others. I could not have been more wrong. The older I get, the more I begin to understand that I really know nothing at all.  

 

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence,something helpless that wants our love.”

-Rainer Maria Rilke

 

I have illusions and opinions, as one will accumulate, the metaphorical “dragon” that Rilke speaks to above. These dragons are constantly tested in uncomfortable and unforgiving ways. I continue to hope that they will in fact become “princesses” and blossom into some incredible insight and knowing. I try to live my life with as much courage as I can muster egging on this transformation. Yet, it still eludes me.  At times it is as if I am beginning anew each day, as a child, unsure of everything and reframing all things that I encounter in an attempt to make sense of it all in some small way. It is a frightening feeling, but I inherently understand a necessary one for my spiritual growth.

 

“Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror

Just keep going

No feeling is final”

-Rainer Maria Rilke

 

This does not mean that I happen upon this journey with good nature and delight.  On the contrary, during times of intense challenge, change and discomfort, I develop a deep desire to flee. To run from all that troubles me, hiding in plain site from any transformative opportunities.  I begrudgingly curse the Divine for forcing this difficult path on me when others seem to have it so easy. The “why me?” voice in my mind can be loud, shouting for attention. I have learned that I must actively ignore this voice even if I still hear it in the distance. It is a voice born from fear of the unknown, my own personal dragon. Ignoring this voice is clearly a choice and one that I make moment to moment when caught up in the weeds of transformation.

I have taken to challenging my inner dialogue with a few statements of my own creation, among them  “be brave” and “my heart is open”.   I have even told myself over and over “I am loving and lovable”. For some reason this helps me see all things from the lens of love rather than anger or fear, even those instance in which I bring something upon myself knowing full well that I should not. Forgiveness of self is one of the most difficult pills to swallow.

 

Instead of standing on the shore and proving to ourselves

that the ocean cannot carry us, let us venture on its waters

just to see.

—Teilhard de Chardin

 

One thing I do believe to be true is that we must choose to show up each day, living the questions with no answers promised. Maybe the true measure of a life well lived is simply the commitment to approach each day with joy and curiosity.  To live fully without understanding the deeper truths and letting that be enough.  It is a difficult reality to embrace when the winds of change beckon again and again.  As Teilhard de Chardin says so well, “…let us venture on its water just to see.” I wish to “see” what today, tomorrow and everyday thereafter will bring, no matter the consequence.

 

Myths about Mysticism

Myths about Mysticism

knowledge

Having an interest in mysticism can be isolating in that people shy away from discussions of deeper truths simply because it can be uncomfortable and revealing.  I hold my tongue more than speak my truth, the exception being this blog in which I have created a space to lay my opinions bare. It acts as a safe space to explore ideas that when spoken create so much misunderstanding. The few times in which I have mentioned my study of mysticism to an acquaintance, I have received the most amusing replies. I have heard my ideas are strange, new age like, evil, magical, you name it, I have heard it.  

The true mystic is always both humble and compassionate, for she knows that she does not know.

Richard Rohr

 

It is important to reiterate that a true student of mysticism understands that they really do not know what they think they do. I do not believe one has to be a student of mysticism to come to this understanding, age and wisdom will bring many to this point naturally.  It can be alarming to become aware of this, especially after the hubris of the 20’s, 30’s and early 40’s when one can do no wrong. It is a humbling experience to be sure. With that being said, I give you my myths of mysticism.

All people who study mysticism are religious

This is a hard myth to bust. I myself am a waned churchgoer.  Some will say that without a practice rooted in religion, mystics can go astray. I do think a foundation of practice is a good stepping stone allowing for some perspective and framework. Then again, mysticism is defined as a personal relationship with God achieved by experiences. Sure, some will use different vocabulary: God, the Other, the Divine, something greater than oneself…. all of these speak to me on some level. That being said, I do not consider myself particularly religious, I consider myself spiritual (as my Catholic and Orthodox family omits an audible Gasp!). It does not matter to me how I am labeled. The labels are for others, not for me.

Mysticism makes people rigid or conservative

This makes me laugh. If you know my son, you know that he is the living breathing version of the DeadPool character. He calls himself a lovable asshole and I think this description rings true most of the time. If you ask him where he gets his wit and sarcasm, he always points to me. Granted, I clean up well. Out in the world and when meeting people I am polite, business like and well mannered. At home, my family gets to hear all of my opinions and sharp retorts and we have a lot of fun verbally sparring. I also love to make people laugh and usually at my own expense. What is this life if not humorous?

 

I am weird, you are weird. Everyone in this world is weird. One day two people come together in mutual weirdness and fall in love.

~ Dr. Seuss

 

Mystics are weird

Who isn’t?  We are all a tad bit weird in our own way. Define weird and maybe we can talk. The very nature of mysticism is to accept others with love regardless of how they are showing up in the world. If that is weird or out of the box, I am very disappointed in where we have come as a society. I believe weird is often used interchangeably with being misunderstood.  If a person is living a life that is different, they are labeled as weird. If that is the only reason people may say that I am weird, so be it.

Mysticism is dark magic

Put down the Harry Potter book and walk away…. This one is so far off base that it does not even justify a response. It again boils down to labeling things that are different and “scary” in an effort to make sense of them.  The sad thing is that most people I know who have an interest in mysticism are the sweetest, most generous and loving souls.  They certainly believe in a soul and the power of a connection with a greater energy. If that is dark magic…sign me up.

 

“The business and method of mysticism is love.”

Evelyn Underhill

 

Mystics are self-absorbed egocentric people

As Evelyn Underhill states, mystics are in the business of love.  This is not only love of self but of all others. If you come across one that is self-centered, they are not paying attention. Loving others as they are, without judgment, is one of the most valuable lessons I have learned from this journey.  We all have preconceived notions of how others should act and be present in the world. Maybe these are not purposeful notions, but inherited. I have worked hard on letting false ideas go. Loving without condition is one of the greatest challenges in life and mysticism does nothing but assist with this goal.

Mysticism is a science or philosophy not a spiritual practice

Enough already with the need to label every darn thing.  Yes, there is a scientific layer to aspects of the universe as an expanding arena of possibilities.  Similarly, philosophical exploration is definitely found along the path of the mystic.  Why the need to put in a box that which can never be fully understood?  Is it really that scary to admit that we do not know what we think we do?  This statement comes from a place of ego and is not one that I give any credence to.

 

“It has taken me quite a few years to realize the fact that most of the thoughts in my head are not necessary.”

Bert McCoy

 

Mysticism is an ancient practice

This myth is actually true. Mystics have been exploring the deeper questions for thousands of years. The commitment to this exploration demonstrates that the answers we are seeking may never be found but are well worth the effort.  It is in the journey that mystics mature, learning from experience and trying to become better each day.

For all of these reason and more, I find myself enthralled by mysticism. It grants permission to continually ask of myself the who, what and why of existence. These are the eternal questions that have piqued peoples interest and puzzled for thousands of years. By doing so, I uncover more layers of self and hopefully become a better person for it.  It is indeed fascinating work.  

 

Confessions of a Librarian

Confessions of a Librarian

Sexylibrarian

This is not a post about mysticism but rather an observation of the profession that I love, library science. Librarians are often burdened with the stereotype of being either the wallflower or the wild person hiding behind the glasses.  Polar opposites at best, it is difficult to find a place in these very different roles for myself. In addition, librarians are an unusual bunch and the funny thing is that most know this.  I find it amusing to go to library conventions and people watch. What a fun group of people; quirky, unique, bright and intelligent with so many surprises under the hood.

“Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don’t ever piss one off.”

Spider Robinson

Reflecting on this, I came up with some librarian confessions that reflect these stereotypes in my humble opinion.  As a former Catholic girl, confessions seemed appropriate when talking about all of the ways myself and others can go against the status quo in this profession. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Confessions

Terrible with grammar and spelling

I am a lover of the written word, but that does not equate to a lover of the rules of writing.  I must admit that I am absolutely terrible at grammar, which you may already have noticed.  In addition, if it were not for spell check, I would be doomed. Yes, I am the librarian that Google’s reference terms just for the spell check before moving to the library catalog to look for the book. Can you spell Tchaikovsky or Dostoyevsky free hand? Nope I didn’t think so. When I do finally get around to writing that novel, I will have to have a very good editor. My cousin Carrie would be on the top of my list as a beautiful writer in her own rite. Likewise, the only person I have ever known that has a memory like a steel trap and an eye for grammar is Marit, my friend since childhood. She would make an incredible librarian.

Not as detailed oriented as you would think

Surprise! Not all librarians are detailed oriented.  I can be when necessary, but I am more naturally a big picture person. Give me a project in which I have to focus on an excel sheet for half the day and my brain goes to mush. To keep me on task, I utilize an array of reminders both virtual and analog. Only a complex system can keep this one on task. If not for that I would be creatively thinking, writing, daydreaming or anything else that does not require massive amounts of my analytical brainpower.

Talking loudly in the library

This is a strange one.  I am shy in most instances, but give me a subject that I love and you can’t shut me up. I am also the one welcoming everyone at the front desk, asking about their families, kissing former students babies and musing about life in general. This type of interaction is what I love about my job; it is the relationships, not necessarily the daily work.   Part of my oversight is training all new student employees.  I tell them to lower their voices and not have lengthy conversations with friends at the desk and I am not a good example in this way. Sometimes I have to consciously walk away from the desk so that it does not become a chat fest.

We are good at making you feel welcomed

My job is welcoming patrons to the library. I take this very seriously.  I will learn your name, remember a few things that you have told me and make sure to get to know your library routine.  This is all in an effort to provide exceptional customer service. Inevitably, each year someone thinks I am flirting with them just because I was nice.  I don’t know what happened in their childhood in which they equate kindness with flirting, but this is exactly what happens. The awkwardness of it is unreal. Just know, I will smile when you walk in, say hello and be genuinely happy to see you in the library.  No, I will not go on a date with you. I don’t mix business with pleasure. The one time I did, it did not end well. See here for the crib notes on that epic stage of my life.

Dislike of random readers advisory

Don’t ask me for a new good book because I probably will not know.  When I tell people that I am a librarian they often jump right into what they have read along with a ramble about favorite authors …all the while I am standing there not knowing at all what they are talking about. I like MY authors and subjects, and do not follow all the new best sellers that are being made into movies at a nauseating rate. Talk to me about dance, music, mysticism, geology or historical fiction and I might know a thing or two.

Help me help you

When patrons run into the library five minutes before class and start rudely asking us to pull a pile of books, understand that your inability to plan ahead does not constitute an emergency on our end. Like wise, when we get a list of fifty reserve items on the first day of class, we will not rush them for you. We like to be helpful but that does not equate to jumping when you say jump.  We have commitments just like everyone else and to-do lists that get quite long.  Bring your patience and good manners and you will be surprised what we will negotiate for you.  We aim to please.

Refusing to be the secretary at committees

This one gets me every time.  Yes, librarians are usually the only ones to show up on time to committee meetings, patiently waiting for everyone else who inevitably arrives ten minutes late. Yes, we are the ones that usually schedule the meetings in the first place and send out the calendar reminders. This does not mean that we are automatically the official note taker or scheduler for every committee on campus. I never bring a laptop to a meeting, that would just be asking for trouble.

Copyright careless at times

This one is bad…very bad. Yes we are the holders of copyright knowledge for the campus and get asked about this often.  One, I am not a lawyer, so don’t ask me for legal advice about the entire book you scanned and put up online. Two, I always err on the side of access. Putting up content for the semester and then taking it down when the semester ends seems well within the realm of possibilities for me. We are an educational institution, not Amazon. Come on people, have some common sense.

Surrounded by strong opinions

Yup, we have them. Don’t assume just because I do not share them with you, that I don’t have strong opinions. Librarians are some of the strongest willed and opinionated group of people I have ever known. In fact, I avoid contentious discussions with my colleagues at all costs for this very reason. Not only will they argue a point, but after the fact I will receive a barrage of unsolicited research supporting this opinion. Treacherous territory, especially in an election year. So no, I will not show discomfort when you get a book about a politician that I dislike and you will not pull me into a debate about global warming.  I want so badly to say something, but I will be the consummate professional and keep my opinions to myself.

Colorful lives

This one catches the student workers every year.  Being a librarian does not preclude me from living my life in an out of the box way.  I have danced, raised children, gone to break dancing battles with my daughter (I am a great hip-hop reference librarian) and survived the entertainment industry. I grew up in a haunted house, worked at both SeaWorld and Disney in high school, audition for CATS when I was 15 and helped run a children’s book company. Shall I go on? People are interesting and being a librarian does not mean that we are living a bland, boring or head in book existence.

These are just some of my library confessions.  It is a profession that is never dull and allows me to learn something new everyday on the job.  Who wouldn’t like that!