One thing that becomes more present as I enter this new chapter in my life is sitting in the unknown and letting go of the anxiety that exists in that space. For so many years it was important that I had a passing understanding of expectations and experiences before trying something new or choosing a different path. While this was a conservative and safe approach to life, it was not the best choice for me.

One example of choosing a known over an unknown is the amount of time I spent in a bad marriage. It was obvious from the start that things were askew and even more glaring after my ex-husband made some questionable choices that affected my entire family. So why did I stay for twenty-two years? I have analyzed this many times hoping upon hope that with some thought I will not repeat this mistake moving forward. The only thing I continue to come up with is that I was paralyzed by the unknown…also known as fear. All I had to do was move, yet I was paralyzed. My insistence in staying in that horrible relationship was a choice by default. I have often been reminded by spiritual teachers that not making a decision is in effect making a choice for the status quo. That hurts. It can only mean that I choose to stay in the relationship even when all signs pointed to needing to leave. Over time the shame of culpability has faded and I have taken a gentler approach. I understand that I must have not been ready to move and needed to learn something in order to extricate myself. It still has a sting to it when I reflect, but we are all human and as such imperfect in every way.

Learning to look at the unknown as an opportunity took time, courage and growth. I write this post sitting at a hotel after attending a leadership conference for librarians. I would never had considered myself a leader during my marriage and deferred to my ex-husband in most cases. His constant need to be right instead of kind was a difficult mountain to surpass. As such, I often choose to conserve energy and not engage in any communication when he would rant. I have recently begun to find my voice and it has been liberating.

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.”-Kahlil Gibran

Now I am faced with many “doors” as William Blake suggests and am acutely aware that much of what lies before me is unknown. The familiar discomfort of this situation lingers, but this time I am not letting it stop me from choosing the door of the unknown.  This blog represents one of the unknowns. I have always loved to write but am a harsh critic of myself, becoming a closet writer for many years. To make matters worse, I hold different spiritual views than my family. Simply by putting my thoughts out there, I have opened myself up to discord with those that I love.  But as Anais Nin so eloquently wrote, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”. The constriction of remaining in the known has simply become too painful for me.  It is as if I no longer have the ability to live in that space, I must choose the door of the unknown to remain authentic to myself.

Will there be pain moving forward? Most certainly. Will there be disappointment? Absolutely. But there will also be wonderful opportunities to stretch my wings along with beautiful and loving moments. Such is the path of unknown. Mysticism is by definition the space in which all is not understood along with many questions.  Mystics learn by personal experience with the Divine. There is no better way to allow for these experiences then by taking the chance to explore all of life in its many shapes and forms.  I look forward to what is to come with eager anticipation and yes a bit of fear.  Yet, I still choose to move. Today and everyday forward.

Something of interest for me is identity, culture and finding a “tribe”.  By tribe, I am referring to a core group of people that are relatable and who view the world in the same way as I do, a tall order to be sure. In high school the tribes were as one would expect: cheerleaders, jocks, nerds, misfits etc. I can say with confidence that I did not fit in any one group.  I had friends in all of them and didn’t feel ownership over any collection of ideas or identity. It was a bit lonely in that way.  My tribe at that time was most definitely the dance studio friends that I had. Interestingly, we came from all different groups in our schools, but came together over our absolute passion for dance. As a Midwestern girl who had relocated to Florida my freshman year, this was very important to me. Floridians were so different from Midwesterners.  I was teased for my easy going nature, lack of interest in makeup, and the way I said “pop” instead of “soda”.  I was an outdoors, relaxed girl thrown into the beach and bikini environment of Florida and I didn’t like it one bit.

After marriage and the birth of my first child, I quickly surmised that the awkwardness that I had felt in high school lingered. I appreciated the dance community, yet did not buy into “the difficult lives nurture great art” themes that they professed. I was a deep thinker and slightly introspective. This and my early motherhood isolated me further. I could not relate to the other young twentysomethings in college, I never had that experience and really didn’t crave it. I didn’t relate to the older mothers and felt completely inadequate for the job most of the time. The only place I felt peace was in a dance studio.  Dancing, while taught in classes and groups, is a very solitary practice.  It was me against the mirror and perfection was something that was desired but never attained. Dance required a strong internal dialogue and mental toughness without the benefit of a team to lift me up on hard days. I suppose my tribe became my family and a small number of older dance students. Even with this, I still recognized that I had a chameleon like way to move between different groups of people and rather liked the freedom. I still retain this skill today. I can adapt my language, mannerisms and delivery depending on who I am talking to. It is a way of relating to someone delivered in a manner in which they can receive, unthreatened.

The trouble with this practice is that I can become lost in translation. The “real” Lavinia is buried under layers of other tribe’s communication styles that I have tried on for size over the years. As my family grew, I also moved multiple times. This exposed me to many different tribes of people from the Southern Bells to the Mormon communities of Utah. All had pieces to offer me in my bag of tricks and I am thankful for that. Still, not one group spoke to be completely in a way in which I could take ownership of. I began to think this might be what everyone else experiences in life, maybe I was not alone. After speaking out to a few friends, I found that many did not experience this but rather felt a sense of inclusion with groups that they identified with. I felt alone.

Moving into my second career I encountered this same thing once again. After retiring from dance, I decided to become a librarian. When I gather with other librarians at conferences I am again acutely aware that I am quite different from the group. I am neither the stereotypical quiet, reserved librarian, or the flashy sexy librarian of so many people’s fantasies. Many are even shocked when they hear my profession. I take this as a compliment in that I have once again put on a chameleon skin and am navigating the world untethered to a group’s image.

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. Einstein

 

As I have passed middle age, I have begun to accept the fact that I have many tribes rather than just one. I am a complex women and embrace that fact that I am able to move between groups of people effortlessly. I have also accepted that I have a very small core group of people that really know me.  They consist of my family; I am not really a girlfriend type of girl. With them I do not have to put on other layers to communicate. They knew the child I was and the women I am. It is freeing in such a beautiful way. Being with people that have such a shared history and of whom I can pick up the phone and fall right into step, just as a tribe should be.  The fact that I do not have a large group of college friends, or families that I shared the experience of raising my children together with is not as important. I have learned to accept my uniqueness and embrace all of it. I am nearing a point in life in which I no longer care if another person thinks I “fit in” or if I find myself the only one at a gathering feeling as if I am on the outside. I enjoy the sociological perspective of this and like to observe the interactions that occur during the gathering.

I am not what one group defines me as. I am not even what I define myself as. I am many things. I am a daughter, sister. mother, dancer, writer, librarian, lover of nature, lover of the outdoors, introverted, fun to talk to one on one, funny and a little bit of a joker when you get to know me.  I am all of these things and more. If I cannot be put in a box, then I am doing something right on this journey.

In these times it appears that everyone has found a way to let their voice be heard, whether it be in person or in the virtual world. There is a platform for all personality types both outspoken and introverted. The danger in this is that some may disregard the fact that words have consequences. Once something has been spoken it cannot be taken back. Even in the anonymity of the online world, words carry weight and if delivered under the cloak of obscurity can cause real and lasting damage. How does one follow the mystical path, speaking their truth without causing pain in the process?

“Where the philosopher guesses and argues, the mystic lives and looks; and speaks, consequently, the disconcerting language of first-hand experience, not the neat dialectic of the schools.”

― Evelyn Underhill, Mysticism: A Study in the Nature and Development of Spiritual Consciousness

When having discovered a truth that has taken much sacrifice and work to uncover, the need to shout it from the mountain tops is so great that it takes enormous self-control not to. I do not believe this comes from the ego, but rather, the now unbridled soul wants to be set free. I have many lessons still to learn, but I sometimes find it difficult not to interject my “opinion” when given the opportunity during open discussion. I believe this is my soul wanted so very much to assist the person I am communicating with, giving them some insight into what I have learned along the way. The problem is that many people do not want, or are not ready to hear the truth.  They are not speaking with me in an open dialogue but instead are vocalizing their thought process. In these moments, my practice becomes most important. I must resist the urge to comment and choose to love that person in the moment, even if what they are spewing is full of hate.

Many of you may have experienced this at work. Office politics never cease to amaze me. The depths of the human condition are on full display. The gossip and “talking down” of colleagues is often rampant. Instead of the anonymity of an online environment, there is the secrecy of the water cooler or lunch room. It can be quite toxic and treacherous territory for a student of mysticism. Often the person speaking their truth, loudly and aggressively, has some unfinished business. Maybe they were constantly criticized as a child and now choose to debate every point with anyone who will take the bait. Maybe they were labeled “slow” or “not intelligent” by a loved one and this label has stuck to their psyche, a thorn they have not yet figured out how to remove. The possibilities are endless but the correct response is not. In moments when someone is trying to speak their truth with a poison tongue, I try to redirect the conversation by softening the dialog. I will often find a topic that speaks more directly to the authentic person in front of me. Maybe they like to garden, or bake or have a large loving family, each person has a true self that they may be hiding at work. This tactic is usually enough to stop the tide of vitriol and bring back some balance.

For lack of attention a thousand forms of loveliness elude us every day.

Evelyn Underhill

I am not immune to this as no one is.  If I find myself in a conversation in which I am thinking to much about my response rather than listening, I take a breath and sit quietly for a few moments. Is what I have to say kind? Is it necessary? Am I just dumping my personal truths on someone else that is not in a position to receive?  Of course I fall short time and time again, but it is in the constant return to pray and love that I hope to do better the next time.

Every minute you are thinking of evil, you might have been thinking of good instead. Refuse to pander to a morbid interest in your own misdeeds. Pick yourself up, be sorry, shake yourself, and go on again.

Evelyn Underhill

Each time I speak, I am making a choice to use words in a manner that is conducive to love rather than hate. Even if I am compelled to speak my truth, it must be in a loving and inclusive way. After all, this life is so very short, that as Evelyn Underhill so eloquently puts, gossiping and speaking poorly of others is a complete waste of time. I have taken to walking away from situations in which people cannot yet let go of their opinions and beliefs long enough to simply listen to another. When my time comes to leave this world I want to have used every available moment to learn new truths. If I am frozen in a conversation that is constantly on repeat, I am not helping the participant or myself in the slightest.

Sometimes the lesson may just be to sit quietly and allow the other to speak, completely draining themselves of the hurtful and angry energy. These prove to be the most difficult for me and I suspect very important for my spiritual growth. As I slowly become more confident and tentatively step into the role of teacher, I will most probably continue to be tested and challenged with my words. It is a big responsibility that I am grateful for the opportunity to master.

So much of life is in the balance of competing ideas. There is a yin and yang that exists in everything and when the balance is off it creates barriers that are difficult to get past. This is demonstrated in the inability to find the perfect job, financial stability or a life partner. It may feel as if you are standing still rather than progressing and frustration builds. The usual response to this is to become even more dedicated to the cause, push harder, work longer and prove that you desire it more than anyone else. Can you relate to this scenario?

I am more than sure that you can, and in many of these instances the end result probably fell far short of what you had hoped and dreamed for.  Sometimes, no amount of persistence, work or prayer can yield a desired outcome. It can be absolutely devastating, quickly followed by a stream of negative self-examination. “Did I do something wrong?” or “Why do others seem to have an easy time with this and I am stuck?”

In all of the ups and downs I have had in my lifetime, the one thing that I am absolutely sure of is that life is unpredictable and no amount of planning can offer protection from the inevitable challenges that will come along.

The human response to challenging times is to buckle down and hold tight. Be stronger, more dedicated and work harder. Is this really the way to discover what is holding us back? In a holding pattern our physical, emotional and spiritual self is not open to new ideas and directions, there is no flow. We are closed off to the world and in survival mode, hunkering down and willing to hold tight for as long as it takes hoping this too shall pass.

The mystic Lao Tzu said it best with,  “To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go” Could it really be that simple? I like to believe so. When every thing in you is telling you to hold on, the answer can be found in the letting go, an absolute surrender to the unknown. Not only is this counterintuitive, but scary. Letting go of the outcome requires a complete trust in something greater than oneself. As uncomfortable and painful as they can be illness, loss and heartbreak are all valuable experiences for growth. Some may find themselves unable to make a choice, constantly weighing the pros and cons in a futile attempt to control the outcome. Forcing a life plan will never result in the balance you are seeking, just more frustration and heartache. The ultimate outcome will be exactly what a soul requires to learn and move forward. It is easy to trust when things are going well, but finding the wisdom to trust when things are difficult requires much more strength in character.

All that being said, I have learned the most about myself in these moments. The hard times have forced me to sit with my shadow and face all of the things about myself that I try so desperately to hide from others. It is a sobering journey. Without looking deeply at the shadow, it is impossible to identify the experiences that have ushered in fear and holding. Many from lifelong patterns established at very young ages. Half the battle is in the knowing. We first must understand why we are doing what we are doing.  

“Knowledge is learning something every day.

Wisdom is letting go of something every day.”

~ Zen Proverb

The next step is in finding the wisdom to let go, releasing the need to control the outcome. This is the tough one. You may understand intuitively what you are doing is not helpful and will not improve your situation, yet continue to repeat the same patterns. Not a fun place to be.

I have taken to beginning each day with a prayer of my own design that includes some version of asking for divine guidance and strength, to surrender and let go of what I do not need to carry. I give up to God all that troubles me, and trust completely by letting go of fear and worry.  I have to repeat this during the day when faced with difficult decisions and I find it comforting.

Try this in your next moment of indecision. Surrender the outcome and move ahead without fear. Include this in your life practice and trust that you are loved and guided. Let go.