Yesterday was a dancing, singing and baking  day.  Have you ever had one of those days? Baking is just not the same unless I am dancing around and shaking my booty, much to the embarrassment of my children if they are visiting and happen to witness this. I put on my Sara Bareilles Pandora station and let loose. When did it become taboo as an grown up (and I use that word lightly) to dance with total abandon and sing at the top of our lungs? When did being an adult become synonymous with sophistication, control and lack of any kind of a spark?

I remember clearly during my years of raising my kids when I often forgot what my name was. My children called me mom and strangely enough so did my ex-husband.  When I heard my name it was almost as if it was directed at someone else. The young girl I longed to remember was a creative, loving and gentle spirit that loved to dance and sing. Who was I now if not all of those things? Why must I give up that identity to “fit in” and abide by cultural norms?

When I am at work,  I contain so much of who I am in order to do my job. I actually leave work with a headache and completely tapped out. The energy required to conform is all consuming and frankly, exhausting. Over time  it becomes possible to forget who the authentic self  is. In this state of false self, I am not only lying to others but I am then lying to myself.

Part of my commitment to myself is to get back in touch with that young girl who was such a gentle spirit. Before the rigors of life required protective walls to be built and a veneer of professionalism projected to the world.  If that means that I take a day to bake, dance and sing with total abandon, so be it. I no longer am willing to give my power to others by listening to that inner voice wanting acceptance. I choose to love myself for everything that I am and everything that I am not. I fully embrace the possibly that I am that quirky and uniquely different and beautiful person out in the world. Mysticism allows for living in the unrest of the moment, without having to have everything defined or figured out.  It is in this unrest that moments of clarity come and new direction makes itself known. It is truly amazing to me that at times, everything must fall apart in order to come back together in a new and wonderful way.

In the meantime, I am exploring the questions of life one batch of cookies at a time. Well maybe three quarters of a batch…all of that dancing and singing makes me hungry, so of course I ate some of the dough!