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Loving Self is not Selfish

Loving Self is not Selfish

rumi_universeI was taught as a young girl  not to think too highly of myself.  That sounds harsh, but coming from a hardworking family that was the way in which we functioned.  No complaining, no excessive talking about self, no ego boosting love fests and very few compliments. You can probably guess the result of this conditioning.  I am indeed a hard working adult.  Give me a job and my work ethic will not allow me to do it half way. My self worth is wrapped around my working contribution to society and I find it incredibly difficult to rest or relax without feeling guilty. I also find it excruciating to point out my strengths but have a laundry list of weakness when prompted.  This could be seen as a healthy dose of self-depreciation, but it masks a deep seeded struggle with self worth. If I cannot work hard and contribute to society, what is my value?

When the mystic’s spiritual eye is opened, his physical eye is closed; he sees nothing but God.

– Abu Sulayman Ad-Darani

 

Life has provided me with ample opportunities to face this shadow, working on creating a strong sense of self; irrespective of what I do for a living or how hard I work. I began with some rudimentary positive self-talk. This initial positive dialogue was infrequent at best.  I often continued to think, “If I am indeed a child of God, how could I be so insignificant?”  I soon added character statements that spoke more directly to who I am as a person.  I began to state affirmations that lifted me up rather than dragging me down. “I am a beautiful, loving and creative soul.” “I am a strong, independent women. I am an intelligent and committed employee.” “I am a loving mother. I am able to make a house into home”. “I am willing and ready to accept love.” The list continued to grow.

To my surprise, these affirmations started to permeate my psyche. I was no longer just repeating words without believing, I was assimilating each affirmation as a part of my belief system. Along with the wonderful uplift I felt during this experience, I still continued to have moments when the familiar negative conditioning crept back in.  Was I really being selfish by focusing so much of my inner dialogue on myself?  I prayed about it often and kept returning to the same place of uncertainty.

“Dare to love yourself as if you were a rainbow with gold at both ends.”

Aberjhani

 

It was only on my journey to mysticism that I really began to understand this pattern.  I was still that young girl in many ways and held some long seeded ideas about myself that were simply not true. They were lies that I had been telling myself created by the experiences that I had as a child. I had a choice to use those experiences in a positive way rather than a negative one.  I was indeed all of the things I stated in my affirmation and much more.  Created in the eyes of the Divine, I am perfect as I am. There will never be another “me” on this planet, and I embrace my uniqueness, missteps and celebrations with joy. I am also at an age in which I have come to a level of peace with my physical body.  As women we have so many challenges in this Photoshop society.  I had one moment when I spoke out loud, “I am done with this. My body is the temple to my soul and sacred in every way. I love it unconditionally and any one that chooses to love me will do the same!”

Standing on the bare ground… a mean egotism vanishes

I become a transparent eyeball;

I am nothing;

I see all;

the currents of the universal being circulate through me;

I am part or particle of God.

– Emerson

 

What a beautiful thing to release all of those years of conditioning and live a life of acceptance.  I love myself and I am proud to say that I do. Loving myself does not in any way make light of my spiritual journey. I would argue that one can not completely love another until they learn to love themselves.  We must be able to see ourselves in another. A union is a spiritual union of two souls and love is an essential footstone to a greater awareness of self.

So love yourself, every wrinkle, gray hair and bit of bumpiness. Love yourself for all of the stubbornness, quirky sensibilities and weirdness.  Remind yourself that you are a beautifully created miracle and are simply perfect as you are. Do not let anyone, not even yourself, tell you otherwise.

 

Personal Narratives and How We View the World

Personal Narratives and How We View the World

Mercy

 

To be a searcher of the soul does not preclude one from falling short time and time again. We are human and as such are challenged with human imperfections and peculiarities. The times have been especially difficult to digest and one begins to wonder how the human race will ever get back on track.  In this vein, I was speaking to a colleague this week when he pointed out that historically speaking, there has always been an auto correct moment.  Fascinated by his statement, I prodded him for clarification. He continued that even if many people have lost their way and even their lives, a moment of extreme auto correct had pushed the human race back to the moral high ground. Examples he used where events that lead up to the end of wars, the holy crusades, the Ottoman Empire’s demise etc.  It was at the same time a horrific and an illuminating point of view.

I began to reflect on his words but on a much smaller scale.  I do agree that in moments of falling short, of which we all find ourselves, a situational event often provides enough disturbance to redirect our will. We are stubborn and tend to believe the story we tell ourselves regardless of its truth. As storytellers, we create a narrative around our beliefs and experiences. Over time it becomes difficult to know what parts of the narrative are genuine and what parts are embellished. A personal example is my childhood story about cold weather and getting to school. I regularly had to stand at the bus stop in the snow and cold and found myself stretching the details when sharing my experience. This was my youthful way of pressing a point that it was indeed cold and the snow was indeed deep and difficult to walk through.  I am quite sure that the snow was not thigh deep on most days as I liked to state. The gist of the story was true…it was cold and snowy and difficult to get to school. The details were exaggerated to add impact to my words.

As an adult, I see our storytelling at work in many ways. With the recent unrest in our nation I find that most people only hold a lens for their story and rarely take a moment to hear others stories from a unique point of view. Is that not the hallmark of falling short? As students of mysticism we are drawn by our personal experiences to our faith. Part of these experiences must include moments in which we have become too engrossed in our self with no consideration for others. It is a treacherous place to be and rife with ego and selfishness. Awareness of this in itself serves as a personal auto correct on a spiritual journey.

“Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn’t matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again , come , come.” -Rumi

The question is not if we fall short but when. Having the grace and humility to admit these moments shows true strength of character rather than sticking to our story as if we were a politician trapped in talking points. Holding empathy for another even when they have a different view on life is the hallmark of growth. We are so gloriously different and that is what makes our world so beautiful. If we all looked alike or thought the same thoughts, life would be impossibly dull. It is in the disagreement that we are stimulated to listen, grow and learn.

I do believe that we are reaching a tipping point, a moment of auto correct, and I hesitate to think what discomfort and pain we as humans will suffer in the process. I only know what I can do as a part of the whole. I can listen intently to others as they speak their truths without interrupting or trying to insert my voice. I can reflect on another’s story and see which parts of their narrative are similar to my own. I can rejoice in the similarities rather than the differences and return to them with love and understanding. This is not a rejection of my views but an acknowledgment of others. It does not mark me as passive or insignificant. By doing so I am showing strength, and most importantly love for another.

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of -God Romans 3:23

This is not a Utopian view of the world as I have been told on many occasions. This is the way in which our souls have gently guided us in this world, even when we continue to disappoint time and time again. It is in getting up and trying once more, that our souls will ultimately grow wings and soar.