Mystic Cookie

 

I have written about my name before and have spent much time coming to terms with the uniqueness and self imposed expectations of such a name.  My parents have always reminded me that Lavinia means “pure of heart” and I continually marvel at how connected to this definition I have become, given the many difficult life experiences wearing on me. It is a paradoxical feeling and one that continues to confound me.

 

As one that has always held a mystical sensibility in my heart, I have stumbled through life at times unsure of what it all means. The fabric of my life story has set the scene in every way for this apparent uncertainty; my parents with their insatiable interest in religious practice both mainstream and otherwise, my shyness coupled with a deep feeling of connection to things outside of myself, my early foray into an intimate relationship before I knew what it meant to give my heart to another, raising my children as a young woman myself, experiencing betrayal that left me broken in every way and finally discovering the path towards my true self and healing. All along I have held the belief that I am meant for something that I cannot yet define or describe in any meaningful way.

 

“The business and method of mysticism is love.”

Evelyn Underhill

 

In my dreams and deepest of thoughts, water has consistently made an appearance as a metaphor for my life. Constantly ebbing and flowing, sometimes gentle and sometimes rough, water being the epitome of a lifelong spiritual journey holding many secrets below the surface. Similarly, the lotus flower with its delicate and independent beauty strikes me as a physical manifestation of the possibilities along the way. The flower floats quietly on the water alone and unconstrained yet under the current is bound by a complex system of roots secured in the muddy dirt below. The flower blooms each day facing the sun in beautiful repose, yet must shrink back into the depths of the water at night and into the darkness. The contrast of moving back and forth between the darkness and the light is symbolic of a well examined life in a multitude of ways.

 

I mule over this relationship of the flower to the water quite often and cannot help but see myself in this coupling.  Referencing my name and as one that feels the purity of the human spirit very deeply, I have struggled just as the flower does each and every day to find the right way to experience the light while not allowing the darkness to become overwhelming. Water, as an agent of enduring love, supports me on this journey but does not change the system in which I exist. Rather, water is the companion that remains with me, side by side as I struggle with all that it means to live a meaningful and full life. The flower could not exist without the water and I am nothing without my connection to spirit and all that remains pure in my heart.

 

“Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable; what it is or what it means can never be said.”

–  George Santayana   

 

This analogy demonstrates beautifully that while everyone has darkness, muddy roots and entanglements, we each have the opportunity to bloom towards the light no matter the circumstance.  This blooming does not have to be abrupt, loud or imposing.  It can be subtle, gentle and unobtrusive yet elegant in completion.  I don’t have to make huge waves in my life trying to live up to my name, I can be happy with small victories that at times are only visible to myself. Isn’t that the way life is? No one truly ever knows another’s struggles, battles or victories unless we choose to share them.  We are all lotus flowers floating on the pond of life, entangled and held by our life stories yet we find ways to share our gifts with the world blooming each in our own unique and beautiful way.