Gracious Disagreement
We have all been there. The moment when a discussion gets a bit heated and you are desperately looking for an out without offending the person you are speaking with. It is one of the most uncomfortable moments in communication and one that can raise blood pressures and end relationships. Emotions become so overpowering that reason is overtaken and tempers flair. Unfortunately, the point of the discussion is lost in translation and listening is no longer the priority.
Why do we spend so little time teaching children the art of disagreement? The world could use one giant debate class right about now. Disagreeing with another should never be construed as an attack on character, rather it is simply what it is, a difference of opinion. People can and should have differing opinions, which is what makes this world so interesting. If everyone was in agreement all the time creativity would suffer and new ideas would be lost to mediocrity. It is the places where we disagree that real connection can be found.
He who cannot put his thoughts on ice should not enter into the heat of dispute.”
Friedrich Nietzche
Once again, grace can be called upon to navigate this type of communication. Grace calls for us to listen to another without blaming, formulating a response or ignoring them. Grace implores us to choose our words carefully in response. Words have meaning and can dig deeper than a knife. They are a wonderful vehicle for loving kindness but can also be a carrier for anger, vitriol and hatred. The choice is always ours, but praying for grace in moments of weakness can allow for a better and more loving outcome.
“Truth does not become more true by virtue of the fact that the entire world agrees with it, nor less so even if the whole world disagrees with it.”
Maimonides
As an emotional being, I wear my heart on my sleeve. If someone is shouting awful things at me, I will often become tearful due to the anger of the interaction. I am a gentle spirit and my body rejects this type of communication. It has taken an enormous amount of will and grace to learn techniques to defuse angry disagreements. Speaking calmly and slowly is one. Listening to the other and acknowledging that they have been heard is another. One that I especially like is trying to view the disagreement from the others point of view. It becomes more about figuring out how they arrived in the place of disharmony rather than an emotional outburst.
The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.
Leonardo da Vinci
Relationships will never exist in complete harmony and agreement. In fact, healthy disagreement is essential for strong relationships. Burying an opinion to appease another is never a good route to choose. The issue will surely rear its ugly head further down the line and all of the energy taken to bury your voice will cause collateral damage. It takes courage and yes, grace to address things that are uncomfortable with the ones we love. I would argue that in doing so, we are expressing love. Trusting another with our deepest concerns and fears. Raising children has been instrumental in my growth as a better communicator. As parents we are constantly reminded that we don’t have ownership over our children. We have been blessed with bringing them into this world and gently guiding them. However, they are ultimately on their own spiritual journey and our influence is only a small part of this journey. The difficult conversations I have had with my children only further stretch me and require that I exercise patience, deep listening and grace. I am not always on the mark but I strive to get better with each time with the understanding that there is no winning or losing, only listening, observing and learning.