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The Intersection of Doubt and Decision

The Intersection of Doubt and Decision

“The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.”

― John Muir

 

Here it begins, the process of letting go and there is no turning back. Fear is a shadowy figure that lingers and finds me in my dreams each night. It is but one thing to repeat affirmations promising to relinquish all that constricts. It is yet an entirely different beast to make these same affirmations a reality. The bridge between the two is great and one can easily get trapped in a limbo of uncertainty.

 

For me, this intersection of doubt and decision was marred by a trail of anxiety, tears and what can only be described as a complete breakdown.  I sobbed for what I thought my life should be and knew that in my tears, lie all of the regret and fear resulting from this false sense of security. Material things have energy and at times this energy can be misconstrued as comfort. Why I ever thought an old Christmas decoration, coffee table or blanket equaled love I will never know. What is clear is that extracting myself from accumulation has been the most difficult thing I have ventured to do second only to my divorce.

 

Calling my sister, after saying goodbye to the place I have called HOME for the last three years, I choked back tears trying to sound strong when in fact I was completely crushed. She tried to comfort me and offer reassurance to no avail. In the midst of our conversation, a giant hawk flew over her car, nearly landing on the hood. In this moment of complete exasperation, an angel had let it be known that my sister and I were well taken care of.  Speechless for a moment, my sister finally managed to say “Just let go, Vin. It is time for you to fly.”

 

“The mountains are calling and I must go.”

― John Muir

 

The rest of the trip to the city in which my RV is currently parked was a blur. I remember crying out loud and thanking a legion of angels for providing some comfort during a most difficult transformation. I remember telling myself to just let go and I clearly remember the moment when my heart finally heard the message and doubt became decision, fear became motivation.

 

That same day, my boyfriend had his own experience of Divine intervention. As he struggled with the feelings of separation from the home that he has lovingly nurtured for the past decade, a crow flew right above, circled and dropped a feather at his feet. Take this for what you will, but the message for me could not have been more clear. We are meant to take flight  in this moment even if it means flying blindly into the storm of the unknown. It is time.

 

“Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.”

― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

 

Next week, a yard sale has been scheduled at which I will sell everything that remains save some clothes, dishes, and personal belongings. This final release from the cords of connection is necessary in order to make space for the next. It is in this space that my adventure begins. The intersection has been breached and the decision has been made. There is no looking back, only forward.

 

Feeling the weightlessness of this release, a sense of anxious relief permeates the air. No longer having to shoulder the burden of material things that provide nothing beyond utilitarian need, my time to walk with nature has arrived. This vagabond with gypsy blood is now a mystic wanderer searching for words unspoken, yet only experienced. Understanding that nothing can provide what I already hold within, I have released all expectations and joyfully complete the purge of the material for the fullness of all else.  Now it begins.

 

 

Dancing with Demons and Self Doubt

Dancing with Demons and Self Doubt

Have you ever had that feeling of hesitation, when you question your entire thought process and wonder what the hell you are doing?  I have these moments quite frequently. I struggle with self-doubt and find it difficult to trust decisions in which my wellbeing is at stake, ironic given that I consider myself an expert at “reading” other people. This has not transferred in any real tangible way to myself and I often find myself in the most uncomfortable of situations over and over again.  As the old adage says, we often miss what is right under our nose.

 

“The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.”

― Bertrand Russell

 

This may be a side effect of being one that is a constant state of information retrieval and analysis. I tend to always see conflict as a fault of my own. I wonder how I could have not seen or understood what was unfolding, ignoring all of the warning signs. I also wonder why I could not ease the conflict in a peaceful way. It is tough trusting others, hence the reason why I have so few close and intimate relationships. I don’t want to hurt anyone by something I do or say, that would be incredibly painful for me. You guessed it; I am a people pleaser of the highest sort and try to minimize any potential pain I might cause another. I risk assess most things and quite frankly have to ward against my inner dialogue constantly telling me to play it safe.

 

“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.”

― René Descartes

 

A healthy level of doubt is prudent when seeking truths and testing theories. In mysticism, questioning is an important part of the spiritual journey. The only truth being that the answer will always be found in the questions. The area in which doubt can become insidious is with self. Self-doubt can lead to a lack of confidence and a constant hesitation when making important decisions. How can one possibly risk assess an entire life? Mistakes will be made, people will get hurt and goals will not be met. It is the nature of living a full life.

 

In so far as my study of mysticism, I have found a healthy level of doubt to be useful.  It is very rare that I doubt the bigger unknowns of the universe; I have said before that I possess a comfort with sitting in this space of the unknown, not having to have all the answers.  When I do find something that makes me take pause, I spend a bit more time ruminating over it.  Introspection is one mechanism in which I visit doubt and come to some resolution within.  It is rarely an outward experience or one that I seek counsel for.  It is most often internal and very much my own exploration of information.

 

“Truly embracing the fragility and tensions of life…brings with it the possibility of true joy.”

― Peter Rollins

 

When experiencing any measure of doubt, try not to let that color your view of the outcome. Doubt is our internal checks and balance system and one that should not be ignored.  Doubt does not mean that you have ventured down the wrong path or chosen the wrong door. It simply means that you must create space to explore the reasons and fears behind your doubt.  This self-study may lead to some painful truths.  You may even discover that you alone have taken ownership of a number of fears and misgivings that have no merit in actuality. This realization is a lesson in of itself. Hear it, trust your intuition and keep moving. All will be known in due time and all will be as it should.