Lending an Ear as a Private Person
As an extroverted introvert, I am constantly trying to figure out how best to navigate the world. An intensely private person, I share my deepest thoughts with very few people. I have a rich inner dialogue that is represented in my writings demonstrated here, but in practice rarely share the depth of my imagination with those around me. While there is nothing wrong with being a private person, it can create a rather closed off experience with a very small nuclei of people allowed into my inner circle.
At the same time, I tend to have a large number of confidants that circle the perimeter of this circle. Not quite people that I would open up to completely, but still very good friends. I care deeply about my friend’s feelings and wellbeing, but still tend to hold back a part of myself even from them. If I am being completely honest, I would have to say my sister Maria is probably the only one that genuinely knows me. With her I speak freely in most cases, even though we have very different moral compasses. I respect her limits and she respects my lack of limits. She the more structured and analytical one, me the free spirited and spontaneous one.
The challenge for me is to honor my need for space and privacy without accidentally alienating people. As the quote states below, I tend to be sought out, for better or for worse. Simply put, people tell me stuff. They often call, workout with me at the gym, or visit my office and proceed to tell me their troubles. I suspect it is because I am a good listener and am generally empathetic to their needs. I value these traits and am not upset by these intrusions, but do have my energetic limits. I ultimately need to crawl back into my cocoon of privacy to recharge and must do this regularly.
“INFJs will find themselves more sought after than they’d ever care to be, making it even more difficult for them to find someone they truly have an affinity with. Really the only way to be counted among INFJs’ true friends is to be authentic, and to have that authenticity naturally reflect their own.” http://infjthoughts.tumblr.com/post/61212764979/16-personalities-infj-friends
Another reason for this intense privacy is that I find lack of authenticity off putting, so much so that I am even hard on myself when I act less than truthful with others. I project a personable yet reserved exterior when in reality my true self is much more colorful in so many ways. If I am not comfortable sharing my true self and an acquaintance feels the same, what are we doing? It seems so disingenuous and with little value in regard to life’s bigger picture. I have no patience for trivialities and fake relationships, hence my lack of intimate friendships. It takes a very special person to pull me out of my shell and quite frankly I don’t meet many people able to do so.
I often wonder if my legacy in life will be just that, loneliness with a strong desire to connect. The paradox of it is confusing and conflicting. I am looking for people that want to be alone with me…is that even a thing? I also wonder if my legacy is just to be an ear for others when they are most in need. I give great hugs and can laugh and cry with just about anyone. I instantly feel what others are feeling even if I do not verbalize it, and have a sense that this connection is comforting for both parties. This skill may simply be part of my greater life purpose. With time, I have learned to not expect the same in return from others as this just leads to disappointment and a lingering feeling of loneliness.
In practice, I just need someone to sit with me and not say anything when my emotions are at a breaking point, a difficult thing to ask of those that do not know how to offer quiet and gentle support. Because of this, I often choose to keep my own counsel and find comfort in the fact that others will continue to seek me out as a lifeline, it is a humbling responsibility and one that I continue to learn from.