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Finding My Way Home

Finding My Way Home

 

“This magnificent refuge is inside you. Enter. Shatter the darkness that shrouds the doorway. Step around the poisonous vipers that slither at your feet, attempting to throw you off your course. Be bold. Be humble. Put away the incense and forget the incantations they taught you. Ask no permission from the authorities. Slip away. Close your eyes and follow your breath to the still place that leads to the invisible path that leads you home.”

― Mirabai Starr, The Interior Castle

 

Frustrated by disparity between the self-help movement, religions that profess acceptance and actual practice, I find myself in the gray once again.  People are imperfect, yet it baffles me when those that profess to be pious judge with utter abandon. It is for this very reason I made the personal decision to explore all practices but claim none. Each has something to offer along with something that speaks directly to me. In my view, if everyone practiced love as a core belief, judgment would be counter to any belief.

 

In this way, reading the words of the mystics has offered a specific calmness in my life. I share their depth of feeling as well as a misfit sensibility demonstrated by disconnect with the progression of others. Everyone else may be thinking about a to-do list or how to capture success while I am in that quiet place of serenity and solitude dancing with my thoughts. No one seems to notice, I make no outward appearance to this fact. I slip in and out of this realm with a practiced ease, questioning everything.

 

Of the many questions I ponder, one remains. Why is it that so many faiths lay down strict rules of engagement prescribing how one should experience the Divine? Who has the authority to tell me how to experience what should be freely given.  It is important to allow room for spiritual discovery in the way that speaks to one as an individual. No organization, ideology or otherwise can hold weight over this self-discovery. Mysticism allows for this space, a space to experience spirit in a personal way, a space between all else.

 

“If you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another.”

― Gautama Buddha

 

There are many ways to the same end. The faithful practitioner may come to the same conclusions as one that has spent a lifetime of immersion in mystic thought, empowering the individual experience over the group. No one-way is the only way; I refuse to accept that premise. Mirabai Starr speaks to this beautifully with, “Be bold. Be humble. Put away the incense and forget the incantations they taught you. Ask no permission from the authorities. Slip away.” Another soul that feels as I do!

 

Never second-guess your path. It is unique to you and therefore requires no further scrutiny from others. Be bold yet humble, just as Ms. Starr states. Take chances, but ask questions of yourself. Face your fears and do so with a loving heart. Forging your own way does not require announcement or explanation. Quiet the voices and silence your mind. Trust in your ability to discern the truth from all else. Take as many detours as needed, approaching all misfortune with patience and love. Find your way home.

 

Living An Unguarded Life

Living An Unguarded Life

 

Edging towards my 50th birthday, I have become captivated by the life stories of others, the tapestry of life events that have lead them to the place in which they inhabit. No single person reaches the mid-century mark without a few scars, myself included. Beyond the stories of joy, grief, heartbreak, strength, fear and scarcity one sees the consistent mark of resilience that ushers in a fierce strength. One way in which resilience can be expressed is in living an unguarded life, even after having been hurt many times over.

Being unguarded in practice is opening my heart and soul to a new life experience, exposing all that has shaped me through the years and doing so unafraid with eyes wide open. One might say this is foolhardy and that diving into life without hesitation is a recipe for disaster. This may be so, but for someone like myself, I am simply not capable of living completely on the edge. I abide by so many restrictions and rules of engagement that letting my guard down is not as extreme as it may sound.

 

The soul should always stand ajar.  Ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.

— Emily Dickinson

 

I claim ownership of a multitude of walls, one for each circumstance that gives me pause and it takes a great level of comfort for me to emerge from behind this wall without some level of apprehension. Even with this being true, I chose to continually strive to be unguarded in most instances. My level of comfort with this exposure may be entirely different from another and that is okay. The goal lies in the attempt to stretch, becoming more open and authentic no matter how uncomfortable it feels.

 

Why change my way of navigating this world at this point in life? The answer is simple. I do not wish to live in a state of constriction anymore.  Just as a butterfly must emerge from its cocoon to fly, I too have a yearning to be free from all the self-imposed rules that I have lived by most of my life. The constant state of risk assessment, holding back when all I want to do is explode out of my shell and say “Here I am!” Living freely in this way will not quell the misgivings I have, but it will allow for more moments in which I chose to ignore these voices, let my guard down and experience things fully.

He who seeks happiness

By hurting those who seek happiness

Will never find happiness.

For your brother and sister are like you.

They want to be happy.

Never harm them.

And when you leave this life

You too will find happiness.

— Buddha

 

Being unguarded will sometimes result in painful new experiences and I accept that as a part of the process. Nothing worthwhile is easy, in fact it is often the most difficult way forward that is the path meant for me. Life is a terminal condition and if I am not learning something new about the world and myself each day, what am I doing? I have no interest in getting up in the morning only to have the same routine each and every day. While I do live a fairly structured life, I also thrive on new discoveries and experiences. The balance can be precarious at times, but at the same time exhilarating. Too much in one direction and I am no longer living in the balance.

 

Be unguarded, let your walls down. Trust that you are well protected and taken care of, embrace life with all of its wackiness and weirdness. Stop placing restrictions on yourself and learn to live in the space of joyful exuberance. Others may try to talk you back into your shell, fearful of what they see. These are not your fears, do not take what is not meant for you. Live as you chose with no apologies. At this point in life I have come to understand that the only way to allow my soul to fully experience life is to be as open, exposed and real as possible. Only in this way, will I continue to be the recipient of  life energy in a complete and unadulterated way.

 

Old Souls

Old Souls

Old soulIf you believe that our souls have many opportunities to experience this human life and learn a multitude of lessons, then you may also believe the idea of an old soul.  I have no idea how many journeys my soul has been on, but I am sure that I have meet others in this life that are further along the path than myself.  These are the souls that have a sense of calmness and comfort about them. People that seem to display serenity in the eye of storm along with a kind of patience reserved for the likes of Buddha .

 

“Innately, the Old Soul carries a sense of world-wariness as he stands on the outside, looking in. As an observer, the Old Soul like the Steppenwolf, feels an all-pervading sense of alienation. He is the ultimate Outsider who is both in the world, but not quite of the world at the same time.”

Aletheia Luna

 

Older souls are often teachers or mentors to those attempting to understand the world by providing valuable insight into life’s many quandaries. Old souls will not often exhibit interest in the human need to succeed. Money, power and status mean very little in comparison to matters of the heart. It takes a measure of wisdom to recognize this and let go of societal expectations in this regard. Old souls also make excellent counselors.  They are humble, loving and accepting of people as they are. As a very private person, I have only known a few people in my life that have made me feel “safe” thereby allowing me to share my authentic self.  I consider these people wonderful teachers and old souls.  They were all unbelievably patient, excellent listeners and gentle teachers.  People such as these still make me smile when I think of them and their loving hearts. What a thing to behold.

 

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

Gautama Buddha

 

Regardless of how much my soul has experienced thus far, I still have much to learn. I have never had any desire to “succeed” in the way most do.  I change direction frequently and move fluidly as my intuition directs me.  In the workplace I am more fascinated by the interpersonal relationships than the actual work. People fascinate me and watching, listening and learning from them is an excellent teacher. I have a strong work ethic and am a bit of a perfectionist, but in the end it all means little to me in the grander scheme of things.

Forever is composed of nows. ~ Emily Dickinson

 

I have always been this way.  As a young adult I had absolutely no desire to experience the party life,  it was never something I felt the need to do. Slightly out of step with my peers, I consider it a blessing that I had my children at a young age. It gave my life a sense of purpose and created fertile ground for multiple opportunities to grow. Unconditionally loving another is one of the greatest challenges to undertake, and raising children requires this skill over and over again. For this reason and many more, being a mother has been my favorite role in life thus far.  Nothing has even come close to it.

 

“The Old Soul is more inclined to be a lifelong learner, constantly feeding his thirst for insight through his own persistent efforts. His learning has not been forced into him through education or learned out of obligation, but has been absorbed out of curiosity and personal choice.”

Aletheia Luna

 

How many times do we have to return to this world before we get it right?  I do not have the answer for this and given the present state of the world we still have much to learn.  Instead, I choose to continue learning as many things as I can while here. Any opportunity for growth is a path one should always consider, even when fearful. If we are not constantly learning and growing, what are we doing? I can only hope to be an old soul to another at some point, sharing the gift of guidance in a gentle yet loving way.  I strive for this end rather than riches and praise.  It is a life well lived and well loved.