Mystic Cookie

Restless Spirits – Live Boldly and Love Deeply

August 30, 2016 laviniachristine

Restless spirit

Have you ever had the feeling that there is something else for you to do in this life? How about the incessant need to be challenged and learn new things in order to feel inspired each day? If so, I suspect that you are a part of a large group of intrepid life travelers that have restless spirits. This affliction runs deeply in my family and as such I have been witness to a long line of renaissance men and women who have stepped into multiple arenas in life. Some may see this as an inability to focus or a lack of mettle. I find it wondrous and cannot imagine living life any other way.

I’m restless. Things are calling me away. My hair is being pulled by the stars again.”

Anaïs Nin

When I was young I remember vividly daydreaming about running away with the gypsies. Their dress, music and wild streak all spoke to me. I am part Hungarian and always attributed this to my heritage. I spoke to my grandmother about this and she at once knew what I was talking about stating, “oh yes, we are all like that in this family! Life is meant to be lived.” She shared with me her dreams as a young women and how the constant pull of the new had played out in her life. At 90 years old, she is still a unique, loving, gregarious and stubborn woman that has always danced to the beat of her own drum. If my life can be half as full as hers, it will have been a life well lived.

I salute the light within your eyes where the whole universe dwells. For when you are at that center within you and I am that place within me, we shall be as one.” –

Crazy Horse

A restless spirit has certain qualities that are quite remarkable. The willingness to feel fear and move forward at the same time is one such quality. No one is immune to doubts when making major life changes. These same doubts that paralyze are a motivational force for restless spirits. I would argue that if one does not feel some level of fear on a daily basis in regards to work or creative exploration, one is not fully living. Fear can be a wonderful catalyst for action if honored and acted upon. I know I am challenging myself when I do a fear check and note that I have some things on my schedule that are new, unexplored and scary. It is at the same time exhilarating and terrifying.

“I cannot be still for long. There is a riot in me all the time. A needy, restless voice in my heart endlessly urging me onward. I ache for new experiences and my hunger for adventure is boundless. My entire life is a perpetual loop of longing for something else.”

Beau Taplin

Another quality restless spirits possess is childlike curiosity. When we are young, the entire learning process is based on curiosity and the desire to learn new things. Learning how to walk is no easy task, yet we all do. The pull of a new landscape is too great of an adventure to pass up. Why then do we let that childlike enthusiasm fade as we age? Where does all of that creative power of curiosity go? I do not believe that is goes anywhere. It remains within, allowing a disillusioned and uninspired feeling to permeate our daily lives. There are many ways to free this creative energy with artistic endeavors being just one. Creativity can be nurtured in business, home life and personal relationships. The key is to continue to honor the creative energy, constantly exploring new avenues and ideas with a questioning and curious heart.

“Dreams and restless thoughts came flowing to him from the river, from the twinkling stars at night, from the sun’s melting rays. Dreams and a restlessness of the soul came to him.”

Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

Those that choose to listen to the call of something greater are often seen as flighty and unreliable. It is a label given by others that have never taken an opportunity to express their restless creativity and have instead chosen to remain stoic and unchanging. I would offer that the gypsy spirit in all of us should be set free and allowed to roam. Go against the grain, make the unpopular decision, love even when others tell you not to. Live boldly and love deeply. In this way we honor that spark that exists in each and every one of us.

What Is In A Name?

August 27, 2016 laviniachristine

Beautiful name Lavinia is a unique name and one that I have had an uneasy relationship with. When I was a young child, I was embarrassed that no one could pronounce it and that I was so different from the other children in school. Kids teased me and often purposefully mispronounced it knowing that I would cringe. I got into the habit of not correcting others in a stubborn show of defiance, answering to anything that I was called. My siblings gave me the nickname Vin, and that is still what they call me today. “Lavinia” took a backseat in my home and would stay there for quite some time.

As I got older, I began to accept my name but was often asked if it was a family name. My name is actually a Subud name. My parents were involved in this organization and practiced its spiritual exercises before I was even born. My mother went into latihan, the active practice of Subud, during our deliveries, which consisted of loud singing in the delivery rooms much to the shock of the medical team. I was also witness to a constant stream of Subud practitioners in our home growing up. Members of Subud can travel the world and stay with other Subud families and as such; we had many foreign guests that stayed with us akin to a Subud hostel. My father, concerned about what the Catholic school I attended would think about this, made sure to tell me not to share with others how I was named. This did nothing but make me feel ashamed of my name and even a bit isolated. I wondered why I should be ashamed of my name? Especially when my name had been given as a spiritual guidepost with the belief that it fit my true self and served as an expression of this to the outside world.

“Man is a microcosm, or a little world, because he is an extract from all the stars and planets of the whole firmament, from the earth and the elements; and so he is their quintessence.”

Paracelsus

As life progressed as it inevitably does, I became pregnant and once again lost “Lavinia”. My children called me “mom” or “mommy” and my husband didn’t speak with love when using my name. It was as if that unique person that I was named to be was in hibernation, lost to the sterilization of self and the new acceptance of the pack mentality of a nuclear family unit. I was just Mrs. so and so or my husband’s wife. No longer unique in my identity and still unable to see that I eternally carried this with me regardless of my name seen by the world, I was lost.

Around this same time, one of the deeper spiritual questions that I began to ask was “If I am not my name than who am I?” The universe heard my persistent questioning and began to present a series of events to assist me with the answer. I went through an emotionally challenging divorce, went back to school to get a masters degree and reentered the workforce outside of the dance studio. I found people addressing me by my name along with asking all sorts of curious questions about its origin. I usually used the fallback of “It is a very old Latin name” which of course was true. One day in the library a theatre faculty member came up to me and said, “You do know that Lavinia is a character in the Shakespearean tragedy Titus Andronicus in which she is raped, her tongue and hands are cut off and she is later killed by her father because of the rape…” Wow! I did not know that. I felt oddly protective of this character that shared my name and very proud that I had survived my own metaphorical version of this story in my marriage. It was one of the first times that I recall really connecting with my name as a spiritual warrior of sorts.

“I was wedded to all the stars of the sky.There was not a single star left, and I married every one of them with great spiritual pleasure. Then I married the moon.”

Ibn Arabi

As I worked through these challenging times, I continued to slowly relearn to connect with my name and who I was as an individual. I was no longer someone’s wife, but just “Lavinia”. All of my weirdness, quirkiness and creativeness started to reappear as that little girl that was once so carefree began to re-emerge. I began to proudly introduce myself to people and enjoyed their response to hearing a name they had probably never heard before. My name sounded beautiful to me again and was a true reflection of who I was once again becoming. The reclamation of self was in full bloom.

I have now arrived at acceptance that my name is uniquely suited to me. I am a beautiful, loving, intelligent and creative soul. No one can truly take a name from me, it is so much more than letters on a paper, It has been carried on my heart, a branding of sorts. Beyond the Latin meaning, the name also means “Purity” or “pure of heart”. I believe part of my life contract is to continue to represent my name with integrity. My foray into mysticism is just one chapter of this lifelong journey.

As the Ruin Falls

August 24, 2016 laviniachristine

As the Ruin Falls

by C. S. Lewis

“All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:

I talk of love –a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek–

But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.

I see the chasm. And everything you are was making

My heart into a bridge by which I might get back

From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains

You give me are more precious than all other gains.“

C.S. Lewis was a beautiful writer that had a firm grasp on the mystical nature of a questioning spirit. He was a Christian mystic and a well-spoken one at that. The poem As the Ruin Falls is moving when read with a measure of humility. It is a window into the inner struggle that many face when asking the deeper questions of life.

I believe C.S. Lewis was pointing out that we all have a cross to bear and are “broken” in some way simply by living. I liken humans to the walking wounded. No one escapes pain, sadness, hurt or disillusionment in this life. Similarly, it is also evident that many find themselves self-consumed and self absorbed. This is a constant danger for one reflecting more intently on the meaning of our existence. When self-introspection becomes more important than the needs of others, the entire concept of selflessness is lost.

I hesitate to offer my interpretation of specific lines of poetry, as poetry by its very nature is individual. That being said, the lines “I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin: I talk of love –a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek–But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin” are so powerful. I humbly suggest that C.S. Lewis is speaking to the consequences of believing that one knows the answers when in fact this is farthest from the truth. Have you experienced, when speaking with someone and venturing into spiritual territory, that you are now being lectured? In their excitement, some feel the need to spread the word forgetting that no one person can do the work of another. The Greek definition of Mysticism means, “to conceal” or “initiate”. I have never met another student of mysticism that wears the practice on their sleeve. In most cases they are quiet about it until asked, never trying to push ideas on another.

Education and personal study cannot independently provide the intimate and personal experience with the Divine that many seek. Surrender to the unknown is required and for that, one needs to step outside of all ideas of self and find humility. This is a tough pill to swallow for most. My truth is that I do not know what I think I know. I suspect that at the end of this lifetime, I will still be questioning what I thought I understood, but did not. C.S Lewis ends his poem with “For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains You give me are more precious than all other gains.” Let your ruins fall. Stop trying to figure everything out. Live in the unknown and enjoy the mystery of it all. It is after all in the mystery that we are truly alive.

Intimacy and Energy

August 23, 2016 laviniachristine

Love_Mystic

Have you ever sat next to someone and felt his or her vibration? Or maybe someone walks into your office and you feel a sudden change in your environment? If the answer is yes, you are one that can feel others energy. We are all as biological beings, just a conglomeration of molecules vibrating and racing about. This is never more apparent than when we exchange energy with another, either purposefully or unintended. I liken an energy exchange to an unspoken contract. One is extending their innermost self to another for better or worse.

Real intimacy is a sacred experience. It never exposes its secret trust

and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture.

Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved.

John O’Donohue

As one that is especially sensitive to this, I often find myself with the urge to reach out and hug someone that is hurting in some way. I feel it and very deeply. When sitting next to my children or family, I will usually place my hand on their leg, arm or back thereby connecting energetically. It is a quick way for me to clue into how they are and what they may be feeling in that moment. I also am careful at work not to jump into someone’s office without an invitation. I will usually start conversations from the doorway testing my colleague’s energy to see if the timing for the conversation is correct. If I sense any hesitation I will defer and return another time. I only wish that others would be sensitive to my needs in return. Daily, I have colleagues come in unannounced and proceed to tell me their woes. I try to be the good INFJ counselor but often feel tired after these interactions. The difficulty can be when I do not fully let go of this energy and carry bits of it home.

Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with

someone–and finding that that’s okay with them.

Alain de Botton

The first time I understood the power of placement, energy and intimacy was during the more difficult years of my marriage. When my ex-husband would start yelling and pacing, I would tell my children to move away from him to the farthest point of the room. Just sitting on the couch that was a good twenty feet away from him would relieve some of the tension that we all felt when he got in a mood and started to blame everyone for his troubles. Even with this practice, I absorbed more than my fair share of his dark and discontent spirit. His touch would cause an immediate reaction of withdrawal on my part. Even if I was not able to vocalize my feelings out of fear, my body language was speaking for me. I shut down and kept my internal dialogue to myself, putting up walls of protection and protecting myself from any unsolicited intimacy with him. I carried this with me for years and believe this burden activated my autoimmune illness. My body reacted in the only way it knew how, by protecting itself. It took years after our divorce and much self-work to finally feel free from this energy.

You see, as spiritual beings, we all crave intimacy but really have no idea how to achieve this with another. So many things in our world are superficial and carry little meaning in the grander scheme of things. We spend so much time and energy chasing money, professional success, and material things with very little time talking about human needs. It is as if this is a taboo subject not worthy of discussion. No wonder so many today are unhappy and jaded about their lives and futures. It is a big and lonely world if the only things that are meaningful are material, which have nothing to offer in the way of intimacy or love.

We can not comprehend the utter intimacy from which we arise and in which we live, but we can give expression to it in words and in silence, through gestures and stillness.

Tom Stella

Young adults today are faced with a constant onslaught of energy and information. True intimacy is not found in a text message, a Facebook post or an Instagram photo. True intimacy is taking the time to know and honor the true self of another hidden behind the facade used to navigate the world. Intimacy can be in a touch of the hands, a passing smile, a nod that says “I see you” or a moment of empathy during a difficult time. Intimacy can also be standing close enough to look another in the eyes directly and really see them. I am not talking about just looking at the physical self, but rather reaching deeper and peering at their soul. In addition, when standing close enough to another, one can feel energy even when not physically touching. That is connection and it is important to be careful who is in direct proximity on a regular basis. For all these reasons and many more, intimacy is so much more than the physical expression of love. It is an exchange of self on the deepest level and an opportunity to be vulnerable.

It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.

Jane Austen

Growing up, I was instructed to be careful whom I gave my heart too. This struck me as silly when I was younger, but I now understand the importance of carefully choosing whom I sign the contract of energy exchange with. In new relationships it is prudent to have a vetting process, allowing someone space to take down walls and expose whom they truly are. This is contrary to our social constructs of today. We live in an immediate satisfaction society in which time is of the essence and many rush relationships only later to feel the ill effects. It is only when two choose to be vulnerable that their souls can connect in a meaningful way.

Music and Spirit

August 20, 2016 laviniachristine

Rumi Music

To say I come from a musical family is an understatement. My father played the guitar and was a working musician for many years. My mother has a beautiful voice and has cantered many church services as well as harmonized many Happy Birthday greetings on the phone. My Aunt Donna is still the music director of her church and plays the piano and organ beautifully. My grandfather played the trumpet in the army band during WWI and I have countless cousins that have demonstrated musical prowess as well as nieces and nephews that seem to have acquired the same musical gene.

As young children, my parents encouraged my siblings and I to play an instrument in grade school. I worked my way through the piano, guitar and finally the flute of which my older sister would go on and get a PhD in music playing said instrument. Similarly, my little sister had the operatic voice of an angel. Still, I loved music and it was a very important part of my childhood.

“Some day music will be the means of expressing universal religion. Time is wanted for this, but there will come a day when music and its philosophy will become the religion of humanity.”

Hazrat Inayat Khan

By the time I began to study dance in earnest, I was already reading music fluently and could hear phrasing quite well. I have been told on many occasions that I am a very musical dancer and I take this as people noticing my ear for the language of music. I have confronted symphony conductors during Nutcracker rehearsal when they have carelessly left out bars of the score much to the chagrin of the dancers that have practiced diligently. I have enjoyed choreographing to some beautiful and engaging pieces of music as well as working with some fine composers. I have also used music to soothe my nerves when having an MRI. I always choose Sara Bareilles and she has not let me down as yet during the two-hour procedures.

” After silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”

Aldous Huxley

As a part of this legacy, I have included music in my children’s life to the best of my ability, hoping to pass along my love and passion for it. My son has played a number of instruments and took a particular liking to the guitar just as his grandfather had. He has flexed his musical inquiry with his interest in metal and on any number of occasions I have listened to metal artists even though the genre does not speak to me. My daughter, being a dancer, loves all things R&B and hip-hop. I have enjoyed listening to the “old school” beats during the many cyphers I have taken her to over the years. To say I have an eclectic appreciation for music is an understatement.

” At the root of all power and motion, there is music and rhythm, the play of patterned frequencies against the matrix of time. We know that every particle in the physical universe takes its characteristics from the pitch and pattern and overtones of its particular frequencies, its singing. Before we make music, music makes us.”

Joachim-Ernst Berendt

What exactly is it about the sounds of arranged notes on a page that are can bring people to tears and evoke such strong emotions? Music has a way of entering the body through the senses and then touching the deepest part of our souls. It is meditative and at the same time explorative. When words cannot express what a heart is feeling, music steps in and forms the unspeakable. Music has the power to bring people together with a shared sense of humanity. In Sufism, whirling dervishes, who spin with arms extended endlessly, serve as a spiritual offering. Music is able to touch our true self and linger.

I use music when I walk early in the morning as a form of walking meditation. With the right music, I feel a sense of calmness that is unparalleled. The combination of music, nature and walking releases me from the endless mental loop of the day. The constant barrage of questions and concerns is replaced with clarity and serenity. It is one way in which I connect with God and I treasure it. I have known many musicians that have experienced this simply by playing a beautiful piece of music and entering an almost hypnotic state. I can recall a number of times when dancing an adage or piece of choreography, I have felt an almost out of body experience. It is ecstatic and so freeing.

So dance to whatever music frees you. If it is Snoop Dog or Avenge Sevenfold than so be it. Music is individual as it should be. The point is that you allow it to take you on a journey, leaving this hard world behind if only just for a few moments.

Echoes From Our Lives

August 18, 2016 laviniachristine

Sliding doors

In all of the places that I have lived in my life, I have had the opportunity to meet many wonderful people. Some of these people are still in my life even if only vicariously via Facebook, but the good majority of them are not. I have a close network of confidants that consist primarily of family, my sister being my number one counselor. She alone knows everything that I have experienced in life and I rarely hide anything from her. While others have large networks of friends, I prefer to have a small group for telling troubles, celebrating joyful moments and discussing the meaning of this strange journey called life.

Everyone we meet in life is on a mission to teach us something new. Surprise!

— Joan Chittister in Gospel Days

I often ponder why it is that I have had so many friendships that have left an indelible mark, yet I no longer communicate with. Some have long since passed on to the next life, while others have moved away from old shared territory. Others have started their families and been swept up in the chaos while others have immersed themselves in careers, never looking back. That still leaves a handful of people that I have no good reason for not keeping in touch.

I have come to understand these relationships as momentary student/teacher relationships. I define these relationships as instances in which people enter my life during specific moments of need and then fade away. I cannot say who was the student or teacher in most cases. Each of us viewed the relationship through our own lens and may have taken away different interpretations of the value. Consider the best friend that I had growing up in Minnesota. Yes, we still keep up occasionally via Facebook, and I have meet with her just once in the 30 years since I moved from that state. Yet there is a self imposed distance between us. She was a very important part of my childhood and I spent many afternoons over at her house free from the loud chaos and irrational emotions of my home. The funny thing is that she has often mentioned how important the conversations she had with my mother were to her! What? I have not had more than a handful of conversations with my mom that felt like real emotional connection and I am almost fifty. Is it possible that she was in my life so that my family could be in hers when she needed it most? Difficult to say, but quite possible.

We are all medicine for one another. The Sauk say, “Teachers not only teach, they also learn.”

— Evan T. Pritchard in No Word for Time

Shortly thereafter we moved to Florida and I continued to study dance at a well-known studio in the area. The secretary at the school had been there for decades and was a no nonsense type of women. She smoked a pack a day, swore and played poker. She was rail thin with salon styled hair and a don’t mess with me type of persona. As a student, I did not interact with her much, but as a young adult she became very important to me. After becoming pregnant and marrying the new Artistic Director of the school, I found myself working in the office with her quite often. My then husband became the owner of the business and the stakes could not have been higher. I was just twenty with a young baby and a husband that was unpredictable in both our relationship and the business. She took an interest in my well being, gave me some tough love and even needle pointed a wall hanging for my daughter. We ate lunch everyday before I had to teach my afternoon ballet classes. We talked husbands; life and she shared some of her brusque manner when I needed it most. I was always a bit quiet, shy and afraid to offend. I think she saw that in me and recognized the trouble I would have in my relationship if I didn’t learn to speak up. In time, my husband wore out his welcome as he often would and we elected to move. I never spoke with her again, but when I heard that she had died I cried as if I had lost a dear friend.

Every meeting in our lives happens for a higher purpose; every meeting is a chance for evolution. We should always ask ourselves how we can grow from our associations and friendships. This makes our connections and partnerships far more meaningful and empowering.

— James Wanless in Little Stone

Once in North Carolina another friendship formed with a strong southern women whose family had lived in the south for generations. She had four children of her own, walked into the dance studio and promptly told me she should watch my daughter while I taught. Somehow I trusted her and my daughter soon became a frequent guest at her home. We eventually moved into a rental not more than a block from her family home, which quickly became an extension of our home. She was a tough talking, opinionated and gregarious women yet loving with her children and mine. She was there during the birth of my second child walking the hospital halls with me when my husband did not show up on time. Most importantly, she was witness to the beginning of the illicit relationship my husband had that would destroy my marriage. I believe she was in my life and my daughters to share a piece of her toughness and integrity. Her strength was intimidating yet contagious. She loved fiercely. My daughter most certainly has a bit of this in her personality even today and it has served her well.

Moving to Salt Lake City and into the most difficult period of my life, I found myself with a number of these “angels”. The culture of Utah was very different from my own, but the people had beautiful hearts and intention. Without going into all of the sordid details, I can say that the kindness of some outweighs the evil of others. Once again, in those difficult moments, I felt well protected by those that would only be echoes in my life in a few years. They watched over me, brought me food when I was to distraught to cook and volunteered to clean up my yard. They gave freely of themselves with nothing expected in return.

And finally my mother’s half sister. I do not know her intimtely beyond our online social media interactions, a few meetings and emails. My mother was adopted and she had only connected with this part of her family recently. How she knew me so well I will never know. When I was feeling my worse and in need of emotional and spiritual support, unbeknownst to me she sent a book that spoke to me so clearly it was if it had been written just for me. This book is still on my bookshelf and is one I reread at least once every year. For this reason she is an angel to me.

Why people come in and out of our lives may seem like a complete mystery and in many cases it is. Is it really chance or is there a grander plan in it all? I for one believe that we are given many opportunities to learn a lesson, often well supported during the process. It is only in retrospect that we can see the connections in it all. We are never really alone even when it feels as if we are. You may call these relationships passing, but I see them as Divine. I think about these very special people and send them my love often. As angels walking this earth, I am sure they can feel it.

The Contradiction and Unity of Both Death and Life

August 14, 2016 laviniachristine

dickinson-before-me-eternity-

I have never been afraid of death. My sister will shudder when she reads this, but she knows this to be true. Rather than fear, I have a reverence for this transition and have always viewed it as a parallel spiritual experience to birth. I have had the honor and responsibility to sit with others as they pass from this world to the next, just as I have given birth to two beautiful souls. Both experiences feel like I am holding my breath and at the same time shouting from the rooftops. It has an air of complete silence yet with the buzzing sound of energy being exchanged. Time stops for a moment and I feel my heart beating as it expands and contracts. Becoming acutely aware of my humanness as well as my holiness. It is a beautiful thing.

When the heart grieves over what it has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left.” – Sufi

I sometimes think that I am not from this world. I don’t understand the constant need for commercial success, the hatred of others, the competition and greed. I long for something that I cannot define, but know is just beyond. When I walk in the morning and feel the breathe of a new day, I feel the closest to this other. I tell no one, because this must sound crazy. I know it is not, but I still worry about what others will think that have no reference or ability to believe what is not seen.

My physical body is just flesh and bones. I honor it by eating well, exercising and keeping active. I know too that this body is just a shell, a skin that will be shed, making way for the wondrous butterfly that is underneath the layers of a life well lived. I close my eyes and envision this moment when I will be free to fly as I am meant too. I open my eyes and feel the restriction of my clothes, this body and my routine. It can be suffocating. I wonder if this is why the very young and the very old tear of their clothes at the first chance and gleefully parade about. Yet, I am so thankful that my physical body has allowed for so many life experiences. I am one that is living in both worlds, walking in between.

I once visited a healer and as soon as I entered her room she reached for my arm, taken aback by what she saw. She told me that I had a legion of angels and protectors walking in with me. I had been reading the work of St Francis at the time and she described a friar with a beard standing by my head. She knew nothing about me, or the thin veil between the worlds, yet she saw me….really saw me. Used to hiding right under the radar, afraid to share too much with anyone, I was taken aback by her ability to see this. There were others that had variations of this gift as well? I felt instantly comforted and less alone.

It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we’re alive – to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Death is not the end, but a new beginning. If you are scientific you understand this. The first law of thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed; energy can only be transferred or changed from one form to another. Both birth and death are monumental transfers of energy. What has been found cannot be lost. We are forever more eternal and this should bring comfort to those afraid of the unknown.

Speaking of death does not make one dark or melancholic. It is a transition of life that none of us will escape. Reflecting on this is meaningful on a spiritual path and useful for growth. The question becomes not what is death, but rather how do I live? By avoiding the topic of death, one never really understands that this life is fleeting and the measure of a good life is in the living. As one with a thin veil, I embrace each day and am not afraid of tomorrow. I know what is to come and am ready when my lessons here are complete.

Lighter Chocolate Chip Cookies

August 12, 2016 laviniachristine

Baking grain free can be delicious but can also result in fairly heavy baked goods. Using nut butters or nut flours in large quantities can inflame the gut and add a lot of unnecessary calories. If you are following a ketogenic or low carb diet, calories may not be the main concern. I usually do not worry very much about calories given the quality of my diet. The only area that I have to be careful is with baked goods and if I am making a batch of cookies I can eat three or four without even blinking. I have done the calorie conversion for some of my recipes and in some cases, each cookie can be 100-120 calories! If I eat four than I just had a meal. This is not good for me given my nutritional needs and I always feel guilty after getting full on “dessert”.

When I am feeling like I have overindulged a bit too often, I look for creative ways to bake cookies that are a lighter on the stomach and the waistline. My solution for this particular iteration of one of my favorite recipes was to add applesauce for liquid and sweetness and to use tapioca flour for a crispier and lighter result. I usually use arrowroot flour and have no problems digesting it, but I happened to be out when I looked through the cupboard wanting to bake. Some find tapioca irritating, but in smaller quantities I can use it with no trouble. This is higher individualized and I recommend that you do some n=1 experimenting to see what if any of these flours are tolerable. The PaleoMom wrote a great blog about the use of grain free flours and I recommend this as a starting point for your research.

I also used Ceylon Cinnamon in this recipe. If you have not tried this cinnamon you are really missing out! It has a sweet taste and is considered the original cinnamon. If you have issues with your kidneys or liver, this cinnamon has a better side effect profile and should be used in place of Cassia Cinnamon. Livestrong has a brief article about these two varieties of cinnamon as well.

Alright then, on to the recipe!

Lighter Chocolate Chip Cookies

2016-08-11 10:08:53

Nut, gluten, dairy and refined sugar free.

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Cook Time

12 min

Cook Time

12 min

Ingredients

1/2 Cup Natural Unsweetened Applesauce
1/2 Cup Organic Tahini Butter
2 Eggs
1/2 Cup Coconut Sugar
1/4 Cup Water (as needed)
1 Tablespoon Cinnamon
1 Teaspoon Baking Soda
1/2 Cup Coconut Flour
1/2 Cup Tapioca Flour
One bag Dark Chocolate Chips (yup...I use the whole bag)

Instructions

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.
Mix together all of the wet ingredients until well combined.
Mix in the dry ingredients and stir until batter is smooth. Let sit a few minutes for the coconut flour to fully adsorb the liquid.
Add water as needed if batter becomes too thick.
Throw in chocolate chips and try not to eat them:)
Place tablespoon size on a silicone baking sheet.
Press down as they will not flatten like regular cookies.
Bake for about 12-14 minutes or until slightly brown on the bottom.
Remove from oven and cool before removing from the sheet.

Mystic Cookie https://mysticcookie.com/

Just Keep Moving

August 10, 2016 laviniachristine

HelenKeller

As a trained dancer I have always identified as a physical being. My value and worth have in part been built on my ability to attack physical tasks. I view myself as one in decent shape comparatively to others in my age group, and have pride in the ability to continue to move on a daily basis. I recognize that I am not the same twenty year old young women that danced ten hours a day and then went out with friends. The body begins to betray as it will in this stage of life and the discomfort of this demands attention.

The problem with this is that we all inevitably lose much of our physical strength and vitality. It is impossible to avoid. I hear a relentless barrage of advertising about staying “young”, “energetic” and “vital”. Is that really all that has importance in today’s world? When I was interviewing for permanent faculty posts in my field, I was often asked the question, “Do you have the energy and enthusiasm for this position?” I felt this was a blatant display of both age discrimination and a lack of emotional intelligence. Yes, I might be a bit older than my younger cohorts, but the hope is that I am a bit wiser as well. Life experiences have allowed for a maturity that is of value in the workplace. In addition, what about all of the important spiritual work that needs to be done? If we are only focusing on the outside, who is minding the shop on the inside?

“The human body is the best work of art.”

Jess C. Scott

My illness also brought along with it more reflection about physicality and pride. It was like the universe put up a giant STOP sign because I was simply not paying attention. Even if I wanted to exercise every day, my body was not letting me. The stress from all of the life changes I was experiencing threw my body into turmoil and now it was attacking itself. It was a cruel version of the fight or flight mechanism and so difficult for me accept. I was used to pushing, never giving up and moving regardless of the cost. My pride was taking a hit and I had no outlet for the anxious energy that I carried without the benefit of movement.

The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome. The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse.

Helen Keller

Just as a baby must learn new movement and behavior, I had to reteach myself how to view exercise. I began to tell myself that my workout didn’t define me, even when everyone else in the gym seemed to have so much control and commitment to their fitness goals. I decided that as long as I went to the gym and tried to move each day, that was a good day. Depending on how I felt or what treatment I was undergoing, I varied my routines and found new joy in things like stretching and walking on the treadmill. I looked for what type of exercise made me happy and realized that if I could hike in my neighborhood every day, I would be a forever happy, a kind of hiker high. I committed to hiking on the weekends, weather/heat permitting, and found this to be one of the most spiritual experiences for me. I feel incredibly close to the Divine as I walk in nature, the sun on my face and the wind at my back. It is in the stillness of these moments that I can hear my heartbeat and blood moving through my veins. The miracle of who I am at that moment is clear, rebellious body or not.

Yes, I sometimes walk a bit too far and find my leg is heavy and numb on the way back. It is with kindness that I note how my body is feeling and rest a bit extra the remainder of the day. It is really that simple. I have no desire to experiment with CrossFit, marathons and mud runs. I applaud others that enjoy these activities, yet see them as something that will break down my body rather than build it up. Keeping my exercise to a simple routine is calming for mind body and spirit. The kindness I show myself is evident in how my body has managed the ups and downs. I continue to commit to showing up each and every day with grace and dignity. It feels wonderful and I count my blessings that I am able to continue doing things that bring me joy.

Wholehearted Living-Mothers and Daughters

August 7, 2016 laviniachristine

Brene Brown_Shame

I recently joined Audible to be able to listen to some of my favorite authors when hiking. The first book on my list was Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly. I so enjoyed this book when I read it in print and wanted the luxury of listening to it anytime the spirit moved me. When searching Dr. Brown’s book list, I came across a workshop recording of The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage. This lecture was recorded right before her book Daring Greatly came out and touched on the same research. I was intrigued and choose it as my first Brené Brown selection on Audible.

After listening to the entire workshop in what felt like lightning speed, I am moved to suggest this recording to anyone wishing to live a more authentic life. Brené Brown provides actual tools or guideposts to achieve wholehearted living. I cried, laughed and pondered as she spoke. I related to so many of the personal stories that she shared and was comforted to hear that I am not alone in my worries, and self-conceived notions of self. At the same time I found it oddly empowering to hear the notion of living more freely and in the moment.

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

Brené Brown

I began to reflect on my daughter and her development as a young woman. I am blessed with a daughter that has added energy and color to my otherwise restrained life. She is sensitive and kind yet uninhibited and unapologetic to her true self. When she finds an outfit that she likes she immediately begins to dance around with unabashed glee. Even as a young adult, she still does this happy dance. When she is sad she cries, when she is happy she laughs out loud and when she is reflective she sits quietly in thought. She is naturally living in the moment, not overly concerned by how others perceive her; it is a beautiful thing to observe.

How I ended up with a daughter like this is puzzling. I am a bit of an introvert and always hoping that people like me. I overthink things and would absolutely not be caught dead dancing in the aisles of a grocery store, yet dance around in the privacy of my kitchen constantly. I am apparently not very good at vulnerability. I measure and take all sorts of steps to minimize risk in life to protect myself from pain. My daughter does the exact opposite. She lives full out, taking risks that I would never dream of taking. She calls people and confronts them if she is feeling a communication issue arising, she puts herself out there day after day knowing full well what rejection and disappointment feels like. She unapologetically swears like a sailor and lets her voice be heard in its own unique way. Don’t get me wrong, she has made her fair share of bad decisions as we all have. The difference is that these decisions do not seem to paralyze her with shame.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

Brené Brown

Shame is that ugly word that we as a society do not speak about and is often swept under the rug. By doing so we are living our shame with no clear path forward to living wholeheartedly. It is important to note that we all carry shame. It is insidious and creeps into many areas of our lives. “I really just messed up that teaching moment with my child”, or “Why did I just say that to my co-worker?”, or “No one could love me as I am”. It is a heavy burden to carry and ultimately takes the joy out of living. Living wholeheartedly requires one to acknowledge shortcomings and the “not good enough” gremlins while still embracing each day with joy. Emotions such as shame can not be suppressed into the depths of our shadow self for long. This will only lead to explosive release in the form of anger, rage or judgement. It is much healthier to recognize the emotion, observe it and let it go. If we understand the evolution for these emotions we can gently allow, yet not succumb. It is really a journey of self discovery, as all spiritual journeys are.

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

Brené Brown

My daughter is a constant reminder to me to let a few things goes, don’t take myself too seriously and dance like nobody’s watching. Sure we have our differences and disagreements, but it is in these disagreements that I learn the most about myself. I am just as sure that by observing me, she learns that some moments of restraint are justified. I have learned that I need to let that same little girl that made dandelion chains and lived freely out more often to play and enjoy life. She is still there, hiding under layers of conditioning and shame. The times when I sing and dance while baking in the kitchen, I am sharing my vulnerably and in that moment I feel completely free. Thank you Brené Brown, for sharing your research, stories and words.