I was taught as a young girl  not to think too highly of myself.  That sounds harsh, but coming from a hardworking family that was the way in which we functioned.  No complaining, no excessive talking about self, no ego boosting love fests and very few compliments. You can probably guess the result of this conditioning.  I am indeed a hard working adult.  Give me a job and my work ethic will not allow me to do it half way. My self worth is wrapped around my working contribution to society and I find it incredibly difficult to rest or relax without feeling guilty. I also find it excruciating to point out my strengths but have a laundry list of weakness when prompted.  This could be seen as a healthy dose of self-depreciation, but it masks a deep seeded struggle with self worth. If I cannot work hard and contribute to society, what is my value?

When the mystic’s spiritual eye is opened, his physical eye is closed; he sees nothing but God.

– Abu Sulayman Ad-Darani

 

Life has provided me with ample opportunities to face this shadow, working on creating a strong sense of self; irrespective of what I do for a living or how hard I work. I began with some rudimentary positive self-talk. This initial positive dialogue was infrequent at best.  I often continued to think, “If I am indeed a child of God, how could I be so insignificant?”  I soon added character statements that spoke more directly to who I am as a person.  I began to state affirmations that lifted me up rather than dragging me down. “I am a beautiful, loving and creative soul.” “I am a strong, independent women. I am an intelligent and committed employee.” “I am a loving mother. I am able to make a house into home”. “I am willing and ready to accept love.” The list continued to grow.

To my surprise, these affirmations started to permeate my psyche. I was no longer just repeating words without believing, I was assimilating each affirmation as a part of my belief system. Along with the wonderful uplift I felt during this experience, I still continued to have moments when the familiar negative conditioning crept back in.  Was I really being selfish by focusing so much of my inner dialogue on myself?  I prayed about it often and kept returning to the same place of uncertainty.

“Dare to love yourself as if you were a rainbow with gold at both ends.”

Aberjhani

 

It was only on my journey to mysticism that I really began to understand this pattern.  I was still that young girl in many ways and held some long seeded ideas about myself that were simply not true. They were lies that I had been telling myself created by the experiences that I had as a child. I had a choice to use those experiences in a positive way rather than a negative one.  I was indeed all of the things I stated in my affirmation and much more.  Created in the eyes of the Divine, I am perfect as I am. There will never be another “me” on this planet, and I embrace my uniqueness, missteps and celebrations with joy. I am also at an age in which I have come to a level of peace with my physical body.  As women we have so many challenges in this Photoshop society.  I had one moment when I spoke out loud, “I am done with this. My body is the temple to my soul and sacred in every way. I love it unconditionally and any one that chooses to love me will do the same!”

Standing on the bare ground… a mean egotism vanishes

I become a transparent eyeball;

I am nothing;

I see all;

the currents of the universal being circulate through me;

I am part or particle of God.

– Emerson

 

What a beautiful thing to release all of those years of conditioning and live a life of acceptance.  I love myself and I am proud to say that I do. Loving myself does not in any way make light of my spiritual journey. I would argue that one can not completely love another until they learn to love themselves.  We must be able to see ourselves in another. A union is a spiritual union of two souls and love is an essential footstone to a greater awareness of self.

So love yourself, every wrinkle, gray hair and bit of bumpiness. Love yourself for all of the stubbornness, quirky sensibilities and weirdness.  Remind yourself that you are a beautifully created miracle and are simply perfect as you are. Do not let anyone, not even yourself, tell you otherwise.