One thing that becomes more present as I enter this new chapter in my life is sitting in the unknown and letting go of the anxiety that exists in that space. For so many years it was important that I had a passing understanding of expectations and experiences before trying something new or choosing a different path. While this was a conservative and safe approach to life, it was not the best choice for me.

One example of choosing a known over an unknown is the amount of time I spent in a bad marriage. It was obvious from the start that things were askew and even more glaring after my ex-husband made some questionable choices that affected my entire family. So why did I stay for twenty-two years? I have analyzed this many times hoping upon hope that with some thought I will not repeat this mistake moving forward. The only thing I continue to come up with is that I was paralyzed by the unknown…also known as fear. All I had to do was move, yet I was paralyzed. My insistence in staying in that horrible relationship was a choice by default. I have often been reminded by spiritual teachers that not making a decision is in effect making a choice for the status quo. That hurts. It can only mean that I choose to stay in the relationship even when all signs pointed to needing to leave. Over time the shame of culpability has faded and I have taken a gentler approach. I understand that I must have not been ready to move and needed to learn something in order to extricate myself. It still has a sting to it when I reflect, but we are all human and as such imperfect in every way.

Learning to look at the unknown as an opportunity took time, courage and growth. I write this post sitting at a hotel after attending a leadership conference for librarians. I would never had considered myself a leader during my marriage and deferred to my ex-husband in most cases. His constant need to be right instead of kind was a difficult mountain to surpass. As such, I often choose to conserve energy and not engage in any communication when he would rant. I have recently begun to find my voice and it has been liberating.

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.”-Kahlil Gibran

 

Now I am faced with many “doors” as William Blake suggests and am acutely aware that much of what lies before me is unknown. The familiar discomfort of this situation lingers, but this time I am not letting it stop me from choosing the door of the unknown.  This blog represents one of the unknowns. I have always loved to write but am a harsh critic of myself, becoming a closet writer for many years. To make matters worse, I hold different spiritual views than my family. Simply by putting my thoughts out there, I have opened myself up to discord with those that I love.  But as Anais Nin so eloquently wrote, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”. The constriction of remaining in the known has simply become too painful for me.  It is as if I no longer have the ability to live in that space, I must choose the door of the unknown to remain authentic to myself.

Will there be pain moving forward? Most certainly. Will there be disappointment? Absolutely. But there will also be wonderful opportunities to stretch my wings along with beautiful and loving moments. Such is the path of unknown. Mysticism is by definition the space in which all is not understood along with many questions.  Mystics learn by personal experience with the Divine. There is no better way to allow for these experiences then by taking the chance to explore all of life in its many shapes and forms.  I look forward to what is to come with eager anticipation and yes a bit of fear.  Yet, I still choose to move. Today and everyday forward.