Emotions are powerful things. They can keep us paralyzed, unable to move forward in life even knowing we must. I believe it is actually much easier to go through life unaware of this paradox rather than being aware but yet unable to find the way forward. Failure is not a kind companion and ignorance must truly be bliss in this instance.  

As a student of mysticism, I have found this journey to be a powerful tool for breaking down these blocks and as a constant spiritual support when falling short time and time again. As an emotional being, I have a constant dialogue in my mind directing, criticizing and contemplating.  It is nonstop and exhausting.

As a young child I often felt my mind spinning faster than the outside world. It was very dissociative and scary and often made me feel “different”. Fear was also a large part of my reality.  I was afraid of just about anything, my parents leaving me, going outside, meeting new people, talking in public. The list goes on. Fear can manifest in the body as a constant low level of anxiety. Those suffering from anxiety may not wear it on their sleeve, by the very nature of anxiety; the sufferer desperately tries to hide it in the hopes of fitting in. It becomes a cat and mouse game.  “I don’t want to stand out “or “I want people to notice me, but not too much or the attention will make me nervous”. This often goes hand in hand with the development of the constant need to please. I am most definitely a people pleaser.  It is one of my worst fears that someone will harbor dislike or even hate for me. I lose countless hours of sleep rethinking and analyzing interactions with others trying to get a sense of why they acted out the way they did.

Enter in food and emotions. In my mind there are two ends of the spectrum in this area and I have wavered between them for decades, the first being food restriction.  It often begins with the misplaced idea that by not eating and looking a certain way, everyone will like me, admire me. A method of perverse control over what one feels they have no control over.  In other words, I cannot control this crazy world, but one thing that I can control is what I eat and I am going to be the best “non-eater” there ever was. This may sound a lot like anorexia to you. Depending on the level this is taken, it can become very much like anorexia. It is not eating fears but swallowing them and internalizing them in a tightly controlled body.

The other spectrum is overeating or binge eating. Have you ever come home from an especially difficult day of work and headed straight for the kitchen to whip up a batch of cookies that you know you don’t need? Yup, me too. The act of baking is therapeutic for me, a form of nesting and reclaiming of space. It is like a big soft sweet hug when I am feeling fearful and anxious. I know this and am absolutely aware of what I am doing, yet I still do it and quite often.

Why do we eat our fears?  Is it for the instant feeling of gratification or the feeling of control when creating something of our own design?  Maybe the question is not why we do it, but rather how do we stop? The only true answer to this is to face our fears as scary as this can be. Fear is a strong emotion and one that likes to take the lead. Hildegard von Bingen really speaks to me in her above quote.  If I spend my entire life trying to live as others expect me too, am I really living? While I understand that the answer should be no, this is easier said than done when fear rules the day.

Mystics have for centuries challenged the status quo and chosen a different path from their peers. I am sure they felt a good bit of fear and uncertainty on the journey. Knowing this and reading their stories has given me some peace along the way.  I try to internalize this and am gentle with myself when I miss the mark.  After all, we are all on the same journey as it were and find different remedies for the discomforts of the lessons we must learn. If I feel the need to bake cookies once a week then so be it. There are much worse addictions that people use to mask fears in a lifetime. Mysticism allows for a relationship with fear rather than an escape.  It is in the ability to sit quietly in the discomfort, allowing one to feel the fear but not be paralyzed by it. Another mystic, Hafiz, really drives this point home with, “Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I’d like to see you living in better conditions.” I would like this to be the case for all that I love.