Going to church this past week, I closed my eyes, lifted my face upwards and felt an instantaneous and transcendental relationship with the lord. I didn’t need to follow the words spoken by the priest in any real sense. It was not necessary to complete my experience, appreciated, but not necessary. How do I explain this? In simple terms, “I feel”. This type of understanding is not looked highly upon in many religious practices. The idea that I could have an intimate relationship without jumping through the hoops or rules of a defined practice makes people uncomfortable. The rules of religion can be a way of controlling the experience and I have no interest in that.

Each one of us is unique and that is by design.  As long as I can remember, my experience has been an intimate one. Very real, but uniquely mine and outside the social norms of religious participation. Historically speaking, this is much more akin to older practices when people had tangible interactions with a higher power. This may have changed with the advent of early Christianity and the infusion of older pagan rituals in an effort to include more by way of familiarity. Now, don’t panic. I did just use the word “pagan” and some might cringe when hearing this. For me it acts as a placeholder for historical context. I do not profess to follow any specific practice and that includes paganism.

Semantics aside, what is wrong with going back to the old ways, the mystical ways? I am not saying that church is not a good way to explore faith, on the contrary. I am able to go into most churches and enjoy the community, being with other prayerful people.  It feels safe and welcoming. Even when I disagree with the tenants of a particular practice, I can still gain something from attendance. I have ventured into Catholic, Baptist, Unitarian, Protestant, Lutheran, Jewish, and Buddhist communities. Each is precious in its own way, allowing a cherished space for contemplation. Mysticism is about constantly questioning and being comfortable resting in the unknown. The very concept that a particular faith has all of the answers astounds me. How can that be? I visualize religion as pieces to a much larger puzzle, the puzzle of the greater universe.  We can fiddle with the pieces over a long period of time before we can fashion a complete picture at the end of this physical life.

My current practice includes a deep desire to connect with nature. Some dance or sing, others might meditate, for me it is simply walking outside, with the sun on my face, feeling utterly small but at that same time connected to something greater than myself. It is a feeling that I am able to recall at any time. I can close my eyes, visualize and am transported back to that moment. I feel warmth, love and connection while completely encircled by a protective white light. It is truly a wonderful experience.

As a child I was always this way. I was probably considered weird and different. I don’t even want to know how difficult it was for my parents. Extremely sensitive to everyone’s energy, I felt so much. I felt that connection without understanding what it was. I was not able to feel any comfort in the unknown but rather felt confusion and isolation. I developed fears of the larger world and was scared of being alone. Opening myself up to all of the energies that permeated my reality and not knowing how to process them was a tenuous road for a young girl. I became very shy and only had a few close friends. It was a lonely road. I craved the kind of intimacy one feels with a greater power and no amount of real people interactions would fill that void. I studied dance because in the moments of intense work, it was just me and the music.  All of the misunderstood energies coming at me dissipated and I found calm working on the technique. I also had moments of connection moving to the music; it was transcendental and fulfilled me more than anything else.

This takes us back to the theme of coloring outside the lines. To be a great artist or thinker, one is always encouraged to think outside of the box, create and experience the art directly. Why must spirituality be thought of so differently?  We are, after all, the architects of our life, of this journey, why can one be ostracized for not fitting inside the defined lines of practice? In my view this is hypocritical. It is in completely freeing ourselves from societal norms and expectations in regards to religion that true experience begins. A freedom exists that allows one to think and engage in a way that fits, rather than a forced interplay. I encourage all of you to color outside the lines of your life. It can be terrifying to move against the grain and at the same time a tad bit rebellious. Embrace the discomfort and know that the venture into the unknown is right where you should be.