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Category: Poems

Loving One Another

Loving One Another

 

Love One Another

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together.

For the pillars of the temple stand apart.

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

-Khalil Gibran

 

On this day in which we celebrate all aspects of love, I find myself reflecting on ways in which I have personally experienced this powerful emotion. More often than not, love has been the driving force in many of my life decisions and directions. It has taken a process of growth and maturity to discern the various presentations of love and one that I continue to focus intently on even today.

 

My story is not a unique one. I come from a large and loving family. Yes, we have our differences, but we genuinely care for one another. As a young child, I recall bearing witness to the great love that my mother and father have, yet at the same time not having the benefit of discussion about what it meant to deeply love another. It was in every way, an education by example. Born into this caring environment I had no reference for the difference between infatuation and love, that lesson was yet to come.

 

Given my innate curiosity, in my teenage years I was attracted to the darker side of infatuation and unknowingly feel into its grasp. The man that would become my husband was much older than myself and had already experienced many things in life. Not being able to discern the difference between lust and love, I was completely drawn in by this relationship and felt trapped by my conservative moral obligations. It was not a healthy relationship, in fact it was quite damaging for me on many levels. Similarly, as one the connects very deeply with anyone I choose to give my heart too, it took great strength and will power to unravel these connections as well as two decades of my life to be completely free from the grip of infatuation.  

 

Thankfully, I did not leave this relationship without having experienced true love in some form. Having given birth to two children by the age of 24, I was deeply blessed to experience the unconditional love of mother to child. I am forever thankful for the opportunity to continually engage my heart in the way God intended in loving these children. If not for them I do not believe I would have felt alive during the darker years of my marriage, the despair was that intense. They are two beautiful angels that have held my heart when I could not find the strength on my own. That is love in every sense of the word.

 

“Only from the heart can you touch the sky.”

-Rumi

 

Recently, beginning a new adventure that requires bravery and some faith, I find myself feeling tentative and protective of where I have come from and where I now stand. In reading the poem by Khalil Gibran, I identified with a common theme that speaks directly to my current state of affairs. Loving another is not remotely the same as ownership, it is a partnership that allows for both parties to breathe, grow and be uniquely themselves.  It is being one half of a whole and at the same time separate and apart. In a healthy love there should be no loss of self, not degradation of the other, just a gentle and persistent lifting up. When one falters, the other steps up and carries the weight of life’s many challenges until balance is regained. That being said, a loving partnership cannot and should not be one sided. It takes both people choosing to show up authentically every day, willing participants in a transformative experience for both heart and soul. One person alone cannot carry the work of the relationship; this is neither healthy nor prudent.

 

Love is also accepting a partner, child or family member for everything they are not, without stipulation.  It is easy to love others for their strengths, but quite another to show up each day and see the shadow side of a loved one.  Each of us has this side that we hide from the world.  It takes a strong and trusting relationship to pull the shadow out of the darkness and explore ways to support one another in that discovery.  

 

Finally, as Gibran so eloquently writes “Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” I wish nothing more than to have my soul connect deeply with another.  It is within the expansive and flowing nature of water that love is best demonstrated, moving and morphing against life’s many continental conditions. Love finds a way to erode the walls that we erect and seep into our souls, breathing new life and hope. What a beautiful thing to behold.

 

Unfolding

Unfolding

 

I Am Much Too Alone in This World, Yet Not Alone

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1875 – 1926

I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone
   enough
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small
   enough
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.

I want to mirror your image to its fullest perfection,
never be blind or too old
to uphold your weighty wavering reflection.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere I wish to stay crooked, bent;
for there I would be dishonest, untrue.
I want my conscience to be
true before you;
want to describe myself like a picture I observed
for a long time, one close up,
like a new word I learned and embraced,
like the everday jug,
like my mother’s face,
like a ship that carried me along
through the deadliest storm.

 

Having lived a life with many chapters, I find that I still constrict parts of myself that are true in an effort to maintain the status quo, to function in this world as it is. This “folding’ of self is a self imposed confinement of all that make me a wonderful and unique person.  Just as a caterpillar endures restriction in order to experience a true metamorphosis into a butterfly, I too have found patience in this process with the knowing that I will indeed completely unfold as Rilke states in the poem above.

 

This unfolding will be unsteady and foreign for anyone that has lived a small existent, presenting as less than to the world.  Fully accepting our true self and infinite wholeness can be so expansive and vast it becomes frightening. Why this fear? I do not know.  We live with the desire to be seen and heard, to live large, make a difference and achieve goals.  Yet when talking about our true self, we shy away from the discourse and choose instead to talk about more concrete desires. It is just too revealing and anything that is that intimate can be intimidating and difficult to approach.

 

Admittedly, I have grazed this topic for many years. Even as a child I remember quite vividly knowing that I had a different perspective on what was important and how I viewed the world.  I have always danced around my inner self, my soul. She and I are old friends and over the years have become more connected, functioning in unison more often than not. We are one in the same, mirror images of each other.

 

This self study from an early age is best described by Rilke with “..I want to describe myself like a picture I observed for a long time, one close up”.  My picture is well worn on the corners from many years of introspection and detailed examination. It is a visual representation of my life thus far. This self-portrait shows all areas of my life in which I have clung to my faith during times of complete and utter sadness and despair. It is also representative of the many joys that have graced my life, far too many to express here. No picture is complete without the shading of both darkness and light.

 
This does not mean that I have a complete understanding of self, I am not sure that is even possible. I can only hope that I have had more instances of unfolding instead of constriction and that this will continue to be the case moving forward. My wish is to be expansive and open, to escape the bonds of self-doubt and to move freely through the remainder of my life with my heart and soul wide open.

Head Versus Heart

Head Versus Heart

As one that is both an emotional being and a deeply intellectual thinker, I am in a constant search for the proper balance between the two approaches to life. My natural inclination is to lean into what my hearts says and follow my intuition, but even so this leaning is always peppered with a fair amount of intellectual analysis and strategizing of end results. This push and pull can be limiting and a place I try not to inhabit for very long.  Life having the sense of humor that it does, this analysis usually happens in the middle of the night when my mind is more prone to wander. As such, I am a frequent guest of sleepless nights and find solace in the wakefulness and introspection.   

 

Upon reading a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke I was immediately drawn to the first sentence, specifically “O Anxious one”. Anxiety is ever present when I allow my mind to take the lead and neglect the very important role of the heart.  The problem being the mind is extremely clever and can come up with a million eventualities before an event has even taken place.  If I resist this catastrophizing and allow my heart to lead, I am at peace with the unfolding and feel a sense of calm that the mind does not make space for.  This poem is a simple and beautiful way to facilitate a gentle drawing back to a state of equilibrium, especially in moments when the mind stubbornly races along.

                           

   I am, O Anxious One. Don’t you hear my voice

surging forth with all my earthly feelings?

They yearn so high, that they have sprouted wings

and whitely fly in circles round your face.

My soul, dressed in silence, rises up

and stands alone before you: can’t you see?

don’t you know that my prayer is growing ripe

upon your vision as upon a tree?

If you are the dreamer, I am what you dream.

But when you want to wake, I am your wish,

and I grow strong with all magnificence

and turn myself into a star’s vast silence

above the strange and distant city, Time.

   

Rainer Maria Rilke

 

In addition, the sentence that reads “My soul, dressed in silence, rises up and stands alone before you: can’t you see?” is like home to me. My soul is in a constant interplay with the exterior world, harboring a desire for others to “see” me by searching the silence of what remains unspoken within.  This is no easy task.  It is as if I am shouting from the top of a mountain to be seen, yet all the while hiding behind a cloud daring to be discovered. I suspect that when another chooses to look beyond my external self, they will begin to see shades of this declaration and be confused by my apparent waiving. The truth is that no amount of intellectual analysis alone will reveal the truths that I harbor.  Engagement of the heart requires a vulnerability that is not approached when using only the brain. This heart work requires strength of character, the ability to live in the discomfort of this space and even some grace. It is in the exposing of hidden truths that one really learns about themselves and about others, a lifelong task and one that is meaningful for all willing to dive in and take the risk.

 

You’ve got to get out of your head and into your heart. Right now your thoughts are in your head, and God seems to be outside you. Your prayer and all your spiritual exercises also remain exterior. As long as you are in your head, you will never master your thoughts, which continue to whirl around your head like snow in a winter’s storm or like mosquitoes in the summer heat. If you descend into your heart, you will have no more difficulty. Your mind will empty out and your thoughts will dissipate….

St Theophan the Recluse

 

As part of my journey, I continue to search for that balance.  Sometimes I lean into my heart as intended and other times I allow my brain to completely run the show.  Fascinating how we all choose to cope given any particular circumstance. Constantly striving for this balance, I will be silently drawn to the discovery of hidden truths; the simplicity of this affirmation is humbling. I find comfort in the solitude of this work with the intention to listen to my heart speak in the silence. For me this end is well worth the struggle.

Hadewijch II and the Blessing of the Written Word

Hadewijch II and the Blessing of the Written Word

 

I recently discovered the writings of Hadewijch II, a 13th century poet and mystic, and proceeded to order every book possible about this fascinating woman. History says little about her save the belief that she was from a wealthy family but chose to join the beguines, a group of evangelical women existing outside the traditional monastic system. These women took vows of poverty, chastity and service but remained in the world rather than hidden away in a monastery.

 

A strong believer in the synchronicity of the universe, Hadewijch could not have come to my attention at a better time. I have been feeling exceptionally isolated in regards to my ideas and life. I have a persistent thought there is so much more to life than my routine,  job, family and assembled reality. Frustrated by this nagging feeling, I have been more contemplative than usual, which is saying a lot. It is easy for me to get lost in my thoughts; it is much harder to pull myself back into the world. It would be disingenuous if I said I had never considered hiding away, off the grid and away from people.

 

Hadewijch wrote so expressively about her expansive knowing, the depth and wonder of feeling the infinite beyond what is seen. I read her poem and connected immediately; she understood what I have been feeling.  It spoke to me so directly that I got deeply emotional knowing that others felt as I do. I closed my eyes and experienced this energy wanting to expand beyond my skin, these walls and this world. It is this infinite and divine energy that stirs me up and can make me anxious while at the same time serenely peaceful. I implicitly understand that what I am searching for is within and not in some other place; we are all Divine beings and as much a part of the universe as the stars and the moon. No amount of geographic relocation will solve this persistent longing; it will surely follow me wherever I go. Hadewijch felt this very same thing yet managed to navigate the world without allowing this feeling to suffocate her. For that I admire her strength and courage.

 

All things

are too small

to hold me,

I am so vast

 

In the Infinite

I reach

for the Uncreated

I have

touched it,

it undoes me

wider than wide

Everything else

is too narrow

You know this well,

you who are also there

-Hadewijch II

 

Even so, I am confident that I can manage the restrictive feeling of this world. If you have read my work, you have heard me speak to this before. I have no doubts and have always known that I am not from this place. Some will judge me simply by reading that last statement, I am not concerned nor ever have been with their judgment. I know, and that is all that matters. The frustration comes from not being able to completely own this other while I am here. I can look inward and do all of the “mirror” work that Hadewijch speaks to, but even that will not be enough. It is a longing as if for a loved one with a constant desire to be with them. I hate this world at times; it is not anything like this beautiful other. No, I am not sad, nor am I being reticent. All I know is that I am here now for reasons that must be important for my soul.

 

You who want

knowledge,

seek the Oneness

within.

 

There you

will find

the clear mirror

already waiting.

-Hadewijch II

 

I do not find many others that see this as I do; in fact I rarely speak aloud about these things. It most certainly sounds crazy to those that do not have the same sensibility. So what am I to do? How do I live while feeling this constant pull to what I cannot fully embrace? I suppose that answer is as always held in my heart. I must persist in this word and continue day after day waiting for the moment when I am free of this shell and can shed my false self to be…infinite. It is in works by Hadewijch that I find respite, a brief moment of serenity.  This woman, who graced the planet so many years ago, is still able to share her love and belief through her words. I will continue to read her writing every time I feel lost, isolated and alone. It will be a tremendous comfort to me as I am sure it has been to others.

 

Edges

Edges

Edges

I see edges within your eyes

A tapestry of what remains

Unsaid but silently exposed

Beautiful in asymmetry

 

Not smooth nor curved, yet

Undisturbed by afflictions of this life

Edges amongst the thorns

Wool that has gone unshorn

Wild- untamed and fancy free

Simple in complexity

 

I see edges within your eyes

Gleaming in spectacular identity

Hidden but never completely gone

Endless possibility

 

A lion roars and a doves soars

Partners for evermore – gentle

In the roughness of self, accepting as no one else.

Flaws that speak to my soul,

Resolute in specific likeness

 

On the precipice still undone

Striking in virtue, hanging on

Sharpness gives way, guiding the way

Sunbeams alight and we both take flight.

-Lavinia Busch

The Journey

The Journey

the-summer-day-mary-oliver

 

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

‘Mend my life!’

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations

though their melancholy

was terrible. It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice,

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do

determined to save

the only life you could save.

-Mary Oliver

 

The Journey by Mary Oliver has been one of my favorite poems for some time.  Each of us will face the struggle of identity in our own way.  Do I fit in? What is my life calling? Along with this, a litany of voices telling us what we should or should not do will rise up.  Of these voices, some will be well meaning and some not. It can be a struggle to silence these words, especially if spoken by those that we love.

Mary Oliver speaks to a desire to be authentically ourselves, even when hearing so many other ideas of how we should be living and showing up in the world.  Life presents so many expectations of who we should be, from those close to us and even ourselves.  Disappointment and frustration exists when we either cannot or will not move in the direction of our true self.

We forget that our lives are just that, ours. No one can live it for us. It is entirely up to us to choose how we spend our time and talents, who we love and what we ultimately contribute. It will never be easy; it’s not meant to be. Mary Oliver says this best with, “It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones.” There will be many impasses, roads blocked with branches and stones throughout the journey.  Moments when we will question if it is best to remain on our current path or make adjustment in the hopes of a different and more pleasing outcome.

All we can do is our very best, embracing the person that we wish to be and moving in that direction with passion each and everyday. By doing so we are breaking free from stereotypes given without permission and striving to be uniquely ourselves. We may never get to where we aspire to be, but the lessons and ultimate satisfaction is always in the struggle not in the end result.

As the Ruin Falls

As the Ruin Falls

CS Lewis Humility

 

 

As the Ruin Falls

by C. S. Lewis

“All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:

I talk of love –a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek–

But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.

I see the chasm. And everything you are was making

My heart into a bridge by which I might get back

From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains

You give me are more precious than all other gains.“

 

C.S. Lewis was a beautiful writer that had a firm grasp on the mystical nature of a questioning spirit. He was a Christian mystic and a well-spoken one at that.  The poem As the Ruin Falls is moving when read with a measure of humility. It is a window into the inner struggle that many face when asking the deeper questions of life.

 

I believe C.S. Lewis was pointing out that we all have a cross to bear and are “broken” in some way simply by living.  I liken humans to the walking wounded. No one escapes pain, sadness, hurt or disillusionment in this life. Similarly, it is also evident that many find themselves self-consumed and self absorbed.  This is a constant danger for one reflecting more intently on the meaning of our existence.  When self-introspection becomes more important than the needs of others, the entire concept of selflessness is lost.

 

I hesitate to offer my interpretation of specific lines of poetry, as poetry by its very nature is individual. That being said, the lines “I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin: I talk of love –a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek–But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin” are so powerful. I humbly suggest that C.S. Lewis is speaking to the consequences of believing that one knows the answers when in fact this is farthest from the truth. Have you experienced, when speaking with someone and venturing into spiritual territory,  that you are now being lectured?  In their excitement, some feel the need to spread the word forgetting that no one person can do the work of another. The Greek definition of Mysticism means, “to conceal” or  “initiate”. I have never met another student of mysticism that wears the practice on their sleeve.  In most cases they are quiet about it until asked, never trying to push ideas on another.

 

Education and personal study cannot independently provide the intimate and personal experience with the Divine that many seek. Surrender to the unknown is required and for that, one needs to step outside of all ideas of self and find humility. This is a tough pill to swallow for most. My truth is that I do not know what I think I know. I suspect that at the end of this lifetime, I will still be questioning what I thought I understood, but did not.  C.S Lewis ends his poem with “For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains You give me are more precious than all other gains.” Let your ruins fall. Stop trying to figure everything out. Live in the unknown and enjoy the mystery of it all. It is after all in the mystery that we are truly alive.

The Holy Longing

The Holy Longing

St John of the cross quiet                       The Holy Longing                                       

Tell a wise person, or else keep silent,

because the mass man will mock it right away.

I praise what is truly alive,

what longs to be burned to death.

In the calm water of the love-nights,

where you were begotten, where you have begotten,

a strange feeling comes over you,

when you see the silent candle burning.

Now you are no longer caught in the obsession with darkness,

and a desire for higher love-making sweeps you upward.

Distance does not make you falter.

Now, arriving in magic, flying,

and finally, insane for the light,

you are the butterfly and you are gone.

And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow,

you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth.

 

by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Translated from the German by Robert Bly

 

It has been a long time since I have been moved by something such as this.  I have read Goethe on many occasions, specifically Faust. Somehow this poem was missed in my explorations of his writing and I am overjoyed that I recently discovered it.

I hesitate to give my interpretation of a poem as I think each reader should develop their own understanding of the words. It speaks to each individual in a very different way and that is the beauty of poetry. Nevertheless, this is a powerful poem that deserves deep introspection. I suggest reading it a number of times both out loud and in your head. In this way you will begin to identify the sections that speak to you and can internalize them.

Other people’s words can be a beautiful thing when no amount of personal writing can begin to express the emotions under the surface. A great poem touches the soul, releasing all of the superficial layers of false self. Goethe was a master at this and his literary legacy has lived on.

Different

Different

 

RamDass1 

Different, moving to the beat of another drum,
Strange and eccentric is the verdict of some.
Forward the only direction to go,
Creating a reality that others may never know.

Slowly, creeping toward something unknown,
Hesitant, unsure, fearful to roam.
Spread your wings, take a chance and fly,
And maybe, just maybe you will reach the sky.

Time

Time

Time passing swiftly like clouds in the sky,

Each memory haphazardly floating by.

Once looked upon with wonder never to past,

Memories are like raindrops, never to last.

 

Cherish now this very moment in time,

Worry less about life’s rhythm and rhyme.

Honor that, which will grace this place no more,

Step fearlessly to the next and pass through the door.