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Be Joyful

Be Joyful

My writing may seem heavy at times; so much of human emotion is agitated and brought forth during times of struggle. A mind at complete rest is not always a questioning mind and it is in the questions that I am drawn by an insatiable curiosity. This may create the perception that I am followed by a permanent cloud of discontent, living in a constant state of melancholy. While I most certainly have my moments as everyone does, I am by nature an optimistic and joyful person. Much of this joy has come from many years of soul searching and survival after enduring hardships. It is in the joy that I found my salvation, my hope and my passion.

 

I am a firm believer in balance.  It is only in this balance that one can achieve an equilibrium that is conducive to a soulful life. Joy with sadness, love with apathy, energy with fatigue and passion with indifference.  Each emotion is tangible and necessary. As spiritual beings, we live and thrive only from a complete human experience. It is during the journey that we feel most engaged with self and only in the journey. Avoidance will never be a successful tactic to the discovery of self.

 

The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

 

In my view, joy is a destination that is earned. How can one know what it truly means to be filled with joy if not having had a dark night of the soul? It is in the deepest of the depths that one looks up, sees the light and chooses to embrace that light filled with both joy and love. It is a choice and one that has to be made daily.

 

Joy does not mean the absence of all other emotion. One can feel joyful yet have shades of sadness, fear or grief that dance on the edges. This is what makes this spiritual existence so nuanced and different for each person. For me, I can be joyful, laughing and playful while still harboring some fear about the outcome of this relaxed state. When allowing an emotion to take over, there is always a loss of control if only for a short time.  To live fully is to live on the precipice, on the edge of self and peer into areas of the soul that are less traveled. Of course we will feel a mix of emotions when doing so. It is the nature of the exercise.

 

“There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believed in and thought that you were.”

― Hazrat Inayat Khan

 

Finding joy is very simply making the conscience decision to live in that space where the light exists even when chased by the shadows. It is walking forward rather than back and loving fully rather than creating a barrier with fear. Joyful living is embracing everything that is good without catastrophizing the end result. We are all only given this moment, this day. Why spend precious time worrying about what may or may not come about? Joy beckons us with freedom. It says, “I darn you to live fully!” and playfully calls out to us each and every day. Listen for it, chose it and relish it. Be joyful.

 

The Sun and The Moon A Dance of Opposition

The Sun and The Moon A Dance of Opposition

 

Sun and Moon

 

A strong man, a fair woman

Bound fast in love,

Parted by ordered heaven,

Punishment prove

 

He suffers gnawing fires:

She in her frost

Beams in his sight, but dies

When he seems lost.

 

Not till the poles are joined

Shall the retreat

Of fierce brother from lost sister

End, and they meet.

 

Jay Macpherson

 

Poetry often finds the word that we cannot, that is why I have such an affinity for it.  As an internal thinker, I have so many thoughts in my head at one time; I often stumble over my words when speaking. People that know me have heard the frequent pause when I am trying to gather the words from that space in my mind. It shows on my face, a thinking face. This particular poem is representative of all that is on my mind at the moment.

 

As one that has been silently drawn by the phases of the moon, I see myself in this story. Everything and everyone exists in interconnectivity with another. Just as positive and negative charges attract so is it in nature. It might be a colleague that is completely different from self or a child that is difficult to understand being of an opposite personality type and communication style. It may be a lover that elicits an intense attraction unlike any other, a pleasing joining of two pieces to a puzzle. Life is always a balance of oppositions.

 

If you will find me not within you, you will never find me. For I have been with you, from the beginning of me.”

-Rumi

 

Embrace the interplay between the sun and the moon, the water and the earth, the sky and the stars. One cannot exist without the other and even if we think we can walk this earth independently, unsupported by this push and pull, we need this tension to grow and thrive. Seek out opposition, and most importantly search for the complexity and mirror in these instances. You may learn something about yourself along the way and as Mr. Macpherson states so beautifully, “Not until the poles are joined, Shall the retreat of fierce brother from lost sister End, and they meet.”

Home is Where the Heart Is

Home is Where the Heart Is

 

 

The real voyage of discovery consists not in

seeking new landscapes but in having new

eyes.

—Marcel Proust

 

Restlessness is like an itch that can’t be scratched.  I have felt the intensity of this irritation many times in my life.  Usually it is expressed as a deep desire to run, change scenery, job and relationships. I naturally have a gypsy spirit and thrive on the challenge of metamorphosis, strange given my intense dislike of change. Ask anyone and they will tell you I am a true homebody. I like nothing more than a long relaxing day nesting in my own space and this apparent contradiction describes me in a nutshell. I waffle between two separate ends of a spectrum and quite literally live in the gray.

 

Over time, I have come to understand that it is not the geographic location in which I live, or the roof over my head that creates a stabilizing force.  It is the people, my family and loved ones that fill whatever space I inhabit with loving intention. As such, I have become especially adept at creating a loving “home” wherever I may be. I have owned homes, rented, lived with family, just about every living situation possible.  In each space I have inhabited, I do not ever recall a desire for anything beyond a warm blanket, food, and my loved ones to put my arms around. My ability to create a welcoming environment in a multitude of spaces has served me well. In addition, having been married for many years to an individual that was constantly on the run, craving new places in order to resolve old conflicts, I have found peace in remaining still for the moment.

 

Sea Fever

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,

And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,

And the wheel’s kick and the wind’s song and the white sail’s shaking,

And a gray mist on the sea’s face, and a gray dawn breaking.

 

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide

Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;

And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,

And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

 

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,

To the gull’s way and the whale’s way, where the wind’s like a whetted knife;

And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,

And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick’s over.

—John Masefield

 

Being well into midlife, my heart’s longing for adventure has settled a bit as I have discovered new ways to explore life without seeking drastic change.  I have learned that I can act as a home base for others as they continue to explore the world, intrepid travelers they may be. The world may be swirling around them with so many unknowns, but the awareness that I am there as a constant can act as a reassuring and stabilizing force.

 

So how does one quench a constant thirst for adventure?  A restless spirit never goes away, it is just quieted by life’s demands.  My way of addressing this has been to focus this energy on topics that I am passionate about. I find satisfaction in guiding the next generation in my vocation. I feel resounding joy welcoming in my children’s extended circle of friends and I read voraciously, digesting new ideas and world views. All of these vehicles for exploration are representative of my restless spirit living and thriving out in the world.  

 

“A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart.”

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

Everything I am searching for is within me and going on the journey of 1000 miles will do nothing for my growth when the ultimate adventure resides within. Maybe the challenge in life is to learn to see the opportunities for growth right under our nose, often the most difficult to recognize as they are far too familiar to draw attention.  In this instance, moving becomes a distraction, a temporary change of scenery that does not address any core issues. If I am lonely, sad or have lost my passion in life, it is a good possibility that I will still feel all these same emotions upon relocation.  You see, it is not place that creates stability, it is self. For all the same reasons I was able to create a home wherever my heart was, I would not find the answers I am seeking simply by a change in scenery.

 

Understand that restlessness is an energy that can be directed in many ways. Try to resist the urge to run and look for more creative opportunities in your own backyard. A restless heart is a explorative and expansive heart. Engage your restless heart in the here and now rather than on future possibilities that may or may not come to past. Feed your spirit with circumstances that engage you completely: mind, body and soul. Finally, continue to allow your heart to speak no matter the location in which you reside.

 

Self Portrait

Self Portrait

 

Self Portrait

It doesn’t interest me if there is one God or many gods.

I want to know if you belong or feel abandoned.

If you know despair or can see it in others.

I want to know if you are prepared to live in the world with its harsh need to change you. If you can look back with firm eyes saying this is where I stand.

 

I want to know if you know how to melt into that fierce heat of living falling toward the center of your longing.

I want to know if you are willing to live, day by day, with the consequence of love and the bitter unwanted passion of sure defeat.

I have been told, in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of God.

-David Whyte

 

Self Portrait is a powerful poem touching on what it takes to really know another, soul to soul without the restriction of identity.  I have recently grown weary of the incessant need of our society to label all things in an effort to force stereotypical roles on one another. I suspect this comes from an aversion to the unknown and a fear of facing a blank sheet of paper. As spiritual beings we tend to shy away from the discomfort of undefined relationships  as they can be too transparent and revealing for our comfort. This does not leave much room for developing intimate relationships and even less room for escaping the labels placed upon us.

 

Interestingly,  I differ greatly in this way.  I freely choose to dive into the depths of the unknown without a glossary of definitions to support me in the venture.  I care very little about the labels others use to navigate the world, but what I do care about is who others are and how their souls speak to the world. You see, everyone is speaking even if we choose not to listen. They speak silently with both actions and convictions, putting all true intentions on full display. It takes just a bit of attention to view these flashes of self and even more attention to scratch the surface of knowing this other.

 

“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

St John of the Cross

         

It deeply saddens me when a false identity is worn in the hopes of fitting in. What if instead of trying so intently to hide the peculiarities that are beautiful within each of us, we let them shine and explored these differences with enthusiasm?  What if we stopped placing false expectations on others or encapsulating them into a peer group or ideology for our own benefit? What if we choose to simply love each other regardless of identity?

 

David Whyte states so beautifully “I want to know if you know how to melt into that fierce heat of living falling toward the center of your longing. I want to know if you are willing to live, day by day, with the consequence of love and the bitter unwanted passion of sure defeat.” Hearing this statement, It is clear that what I write about and who I strive to be is leading me towards a personal path of “falling toward the center of my longing”.  I wish to dive in, love openly, feel deeply and suffer defeat only to get up and try again over and over. I wish to continue to do this for as long as it takes to reach the gates of my true self. To throw open the doors and let my soul sing.

 

Living is only self-evident if we are free to express the parts of ourselves that do not fit into boxes with perfect corners and gentle edges.  Rather, living is a messy reality with irregular corners and rough edges. Living is feeling the fire of uncertainty and choosing to move forward even when getting burned. Living is looking beyond the landscape of definitions into uncharted territories, unafraid of what is unknown. Living is believing that today is just today and nothing beyond this moment is promised. Finally, living is moving about the world completely turned inside out, exposed and raw.  Rawness that leaves the bearer tender from the touch of deeply emotional interactions. Living is the only option for a soul that wishes to feel everything and learn as much as it can before leaving this place. Live without the pretense of others labels, do not take ownership of what is not meant for you. Live and feel alive.

 

 

 

Loving One Another

Loving One Another

 

Love One Another

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together.

For the pillars of the temple stand apart.

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

-Khalil Gibran

 

On this day in which we celebrate all aspects of love, I find myself reflecting on ways in which I have personally experienced this powerful emotion. More often than not, love has been the driving force in many of my life decisions and directions. It has taken a process of growth and maturity to discern the various presentations of love and one that I continue to focus intently on even today.

 

My story is not a unique one. I come from a large and loving family. Yes, we have our differences, but we genuinely care for one another. As a young child, I recall bearing witness to the great love that my mother and father have, yet at the same time not having the benefit of discussion about what it meant to deeply love another. It was in every way, an education by example. Born into this caring environment I had no reference for the difference between infatuation and love, that lesson was yet to come.

 

Given my innate curiosity, in my teenage years I was attracted to the darker side of infatuation and unknowingly feel into its grasp. The man that would become my husband was much older than myself and had already experienced many things in life. Not being able to discern the difference between lust and love, I was completely drawn in by this relationship and felt trapped by my conservative moral obligations. It was not a healthy relationship, in fact it was quite damaging for me on many levels. Similarly, as one the connects very deeply with anyone I choose to give my heart too, it took great strength and will power to unravel these connections as well as two decades of my life to be completely free from the grip of infatuation.  

 

Thankfully, I did not leave this relationship without having experienced true love in some form. Having given birth to two children by the age of 24, I was deeply blessed to experience the unconditional love of mother to child. I am forever thankful for the opportunity to continually engage my heart in the way God intended in loving these children. If not for them I do not believe I would have felt alive during the darker years of my marriage, the despair was that intense. They are two beautiful angels that have held my heart when I could not find the strength on my own. That is love in every sense of the word.

 

“Only from the heart can you touch the sky.”

-Rumi

 

Recently, beginning a new adventure that requires bravery and some faith, I find myself feeling tentative and protective of where I have come from and where I now stand. In reading the poem by Khalil Gibran, I identified with a common theme that speaks directly to my current state of affairs. Loving another is not remotely the same as ownership, it is a partnership that allows for both parties to breathe, grow and be uniquely themselves.  It is being one half of a whole and at the same time separate and apart. In a healthy love there should be no loss of self, not degradation of the other, just a gentle and persistent lifting up. When one falters, the other steps up and carries the weight of life’s many challenges until balance is regained. That being said, a loving partnership cannot and should not be one sided. It takes both people choosing to show up authentically every day, willing participants in a transformative experience for both heart and soul. One person alone cannot carry the work of the relationship; this is neither healthy nor prudent.

 

Love is also accepting a partner, child or family member for everything they are not, without stipulation.  It is easy to love others for their strengths, but quite another to show up each day and see the shadow side of a loved one.  Each of us has this side that we hide from the world.  It takes a strong and trusting relationship to pull the shadow out of the darkness and explore ways to support one another in that discovery.  

 

Finally, as Gibran so eloquently writes “Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” I wish nothing more than to have my soul connect deeply with another.  It is within the expansive and flowing nature of water that love is best demonstrated, moving and morphing against life’s many continental conditions. Love finds a way to erode the walls that we erect and seep into our souls, breathing new life and hope. What a beautiful thing to behold.

 

Lending an Ear as a Private Person

Lending an Ear as a Private Person

As an extroverted introvert, I am constantly trying to figure out how best to navigate the world. An intensely private person, I share my deepest thoughts with very few people.  I have a rich inner dialogue that is represented in my writings demonstrated here, but in practice rarely share the depth of my imagination with those around me. While there is nothing wrong with being a private person, it can create a rather closed off experience with a very small nuclei of people allowed into my inner circle.

 

At the same time, I tend to have a large number of confidants that circle the perimeter of this circle. Not quite people that I would open up to completely, but still very good friends. I care deeply about my friend’s feelings and wellbeing, but still tend to hold back a part of myself even from them. If I am being completely honest, I would have to say my sister Maria is probably the only one that genuinely knows me.  With her I speak freely in most cases, even though we have very different moral compasses. I respect her limits and she respects my lack of limits. She the more structured and analytical one, me the free spirited and spontaneous one.

 

The challenge for me is to honor my need for space and privacy without accidentally alienating people. As the quote states below, I tend to be sought out, for better or for worse.  Simply put, people tell me stuff. They often call, workout with me at the gym, or visit my office and proceed to tell me their troubles. I suspect it is because I am a good listener and am generally empathetic to their needs.  I value these traits and am not upset by these intrusions, but do have my energetic limits. I ultimately need to crawl back into my cocoon of privacy to recharge and must do this regularly.  

 

“INFJs will find themselves more sought after than they’d ever care to be, making it even more difficult for them to find someone they truly have an affinity with. Really the only way to be counted among INFJs’ true friends is to be authentic, and to have that authenticity naturally reflect their own.” http://infjthoughts.tumblr.com/post/61212764979/16-personalities-infj-friends

 

Another reason for this intense privacy is that I find lack of authenticity off putting, so much so that I am even hard on myself when I act less than truthful with others.  I project a personable yet reserved exterior when in reality my true self is much more colorful in so many ways.  If I am not comfortable sharing my true self and an acquaintance feels the same, what are we doing?  It seems so disingenuous and with little value in regard to life’s bigger picture.  I have no patience for trivialities and fake relationships, hence my lack of intimate friendships.  It takes a very special person to pull me out of my shell and quite frankly I don’t meet many people able to do so.

 
I often wonder if my legacy in life will be just that, loneliness with a strong desire to connect.  The paradox of it is confusing and conflicting. I am looking for people that want to be alone with me…is that even a thing? I also wonder if my legacy is just to be an ear for others when they are most in need. I give great hugs and can laugh and cry with just about anyone.  I instantly feel what others are feeling even if I do not verbalize it, and have a sense that this connection is comforting for both parties.  This skill may simply be part of my greater life purpose.  With time, I have learned to not expect the same in return from others as this just leads to disappointment and a lingering feeling of loneliness. 

 

In practice, I just need someone to sit with me and not say anything when my emotions are at a breaking point,  a difficult thing to ask of those that do not know how to offer quiet and gentle support.  Because of this, I often choose to keep my own counsel and find comfort in the fact that others will continue to seek me out as a lifeline, it is a humbling responsibility and one that I continue to learn from.

Opposites Attract

Opposites Attract

It has taken me some time to come to terms with my true nature.  I am one that wades in the deep more than most.  I have from a very young age had the good fortune of possessing a knowing that I am well taken care of and protected by something greater than myself.  There is never any doubt and I feel a constant sense of comfort as one would when thinking about going home. Because of this, I am a magnet for those who are lost and searching, looking for some light to find their way forward.  It is an attraction of opposites in so many ways and a painful learning opportunity for me and the other person.

I have on more than one occasion acted as a true north for others, stability in the storm of life.  It is never intentional and always comes from a place of care and concern. Those finding themselves stuck continue to seek me out. I believe this is due to the way that I move through the world, my comfort with not having to know all of the answers.  It is like the curiosity of an open flame, feeling the need to reach out and touch even though what is found might burn.

 

” Opposites are not to be united rationally. … In practice, opposites can be united only … irrationally.”

-Carl Jung

 

The truth is I am not perfect, I am far from it.  It bothers me at times when others are constantly looking at me to be their true north.  I absolutely do not have all the answers, in fact I have very few. My goal in life is to keep moving towards the light, living with my eyes and heart wide open.  This also means not making excuses or accommodations for others when they are merely crossing paths with me in the hopes of diving into the depths even if only for a moment. This is frustrating for me. I am just as confused as the next person, we are all human after all.  I am simply comfortable with the questions and this sense of comfort acts as nectar to a bee.

 

“Wholeness and balance are the ultimate goals of the Jewish mystical tradition… Likewise, each of their lives can teach us about a specific yichud, a unification between severed opposites, such as eros and spirituality, shadow and light, earthiness and the transcendent life.”

-Tirzah Firestone

                                           

Time after time I have entered into friendships with those that are seeking this calmness with no regard for the person holding it.  It completely drains my wells of empathy and leaves me feeling spent.  A one sided relationship is not healthy for anyone, and for one that takes on the pain of others, especially damaging. I bear the scars from such relationships and have had to view these life lessons as just that, lessons. The key is to not repeat the same lesson over and over, rather to recognize the pattern and achieve some level of personal growth.

 

I talk a big game, but If I am being completely truthful, I have a curiosity for the way in which my opposites navigate the world.  It can be like watching a car wreck, terrifying, but hard to look away.  Fascinated by human nature, I am silently drawn to these swirling volcanoes thinking quite incorrectly that I can cool the heat, calm the storm. As I have matured, I thankfully have learned to accept that this is not my job. My job is to simply move in the direction of light, choosing love above anger and kindness over hate . When the world and friendships gets heavy and I begin to get over saturated by emotions, I choose to not get weighed down, to find joy in the living of the questions. I return to this time and time again, and have found it to be my salvation in a world full of conflicted people.

 

“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.”

― Khalil Gibran

 

It may be that this attraction of opposites is of value simply because it demonstrates a different way to move through the world, making unique decisions and experiencing different consequences. All very revealing moments and useful for contemplation and growth. An attraction to opposites is one thing that I have stopped questioning and allowed to evolve, as it will.  I still choose to be careful with whom I let in, but this does not mean that I should not have friendships with those testing my boundaries.  These friendships may very well be the ones that further shape who I am meant to be. Life is funny that way. Just when we think we have it figured out, along comes someone completely different than ourselves showing a different way forward. Amazing.

 

Old Souls

Old Souls

Old soulIf you believe that our souls have many opportunities to experience this human life and learn a multitude of lessons, then you may also believe the idea of an old soul.  I have no idea how many journeys my soul has been on, but I am sure that I have meet others in this life that are further along the path than myself.  These are the souls that have a sense of calmness and comfort about them. People that seem to display serenity in the eye of storm along with a kind of patience reserved for the likes of Buddha .

 

“Innately, the Old Soul carries a sense of world-wariness as he stands on the outside, looking in. As an observer, the Old Soul like the Steppenwolf, feels an all-pervading sense of alienation. He is the ultimate Outsider who is both in the world, but not quite of the world at the same time.”

Aletheia Luna

 

Older souls are often teachers or mentors to those attempting to understand the world by providing valuable insight into life’s many quandaries. Old souls will not often exhibit interest in the human need to succeed. Money, power and status mean very little in comparison to matters of the heart. It takes a measure of wisdom to recognize this and let go of societal expectations in this regard. Old souls also make excellent counselors.  They are humble, loving and accepting of people as they are. As a very private person, I have only known a few people in my life that have made me feel “safe” thereby allowing me to share my authentic self.  I consider these people wonderful teachers and old souls.  They were all unbelievably patient, excellent listeners and gentle teachers.  People such as these still make me smile when I think of them and their loving hearts. What a thing to behold.

 

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

Gautama Buddha

 

Regardless of how much my soul has experienced thus far, I still have much to learn. I have never had any desire to “succeed” in the way most do.  I change direction frequently and move fluidly as my intuition directs me.  In the workplace I am more fascinated by the interpersonal relationships than the actual work. People fascinate me and watching, listening and learning from them is an excellent teacher. I have a strong work ethic and am a bit of a perfectionist, but in the end it all means little to me in the grander scheme of things.

Forever is composed of nows. ~ Emily Dickinson

 

I have always been this way.  As a young adult I had absolutely no desire to experience the party life,  it was never something I felt the need to do. Slightly out of step with my peers, I consider it a blessing that I had my children at a young age. It gave my life a sense of purpose and created fertile ground for multiple opportunities to grow. Unconditionally loving another is one of the greatest challenges to undertake, and raising children requires this skill over and over again. For this reason and many more, being a mother has been my favorite role in life thus far.  Nothing has even come close to it.

 

“The Old Soul is more inclined to be a lifelong learner, constantly feeding his thirst for insight through his own persistent efforts. His learning has not been forced into him through education or learned out of obligation, but has been absorbed out of curiosity and personal choice.”

Aletheia Luna

 

How many times do we have to return to this world before we get it right?  I do not have the answer for this and given the present state of the world we still have much to learn.  Instead, I choose to continue learning as many things as I can while here. Any opportunity for growth is a path one should always consider, even when fearful. If we are not constantly learning and growing, what are we doing? I can only hope to be an old soul to another at some point, sharing the gift of guidance in a gentle yet loving way.  I strive for this end rather than riches and praise.  It is a life well lived and well loved.

 

 

Hiding in Plain Sight and The New Year

Hiding in Plain Sight and The New Year

I am an expert at hiding, a chameleon that blends in everywhere I go. I am naturally guarded and only a few know me as I truly am.  This is not done intentionally, but is inherent to who I am and in part a protective mechanism. If you read this blog, you are well aware that I am a deep thinker. I may seem uncomplicated on the outside, but there is not one thought, discussion or idea that I do not analyze and mull over internally. I am in a constant state of wonder and curiosity that is not often expressed in my external world. This constant analysis of the world around me has allowed me to move about inconspicuously, hiding in plain sight.

Over time I have developed some strong opinions on a variety of topics.  I hold these close to my chest, but I have them to be sure. I often struggle to keep an open mind in all instances. This apparent paradox results in a constant tug of war in all aspects of my life. I have written much about embracing both the dark and light of a soul and I personally work moment to moment to take my own advice and live in this way. It does not help matters that I am often perceived as a wholesome and pious woman, a stereotype created by my incessant need to be kind and accommodating to all I encounter. This stereotype could not be farther from the truth.

 

There is nothing in this world, which does not speak. Every thing and every being is continually calling out its nature, its character, its secret; the more the inner sense is open, the more capable it becomes of hearing the voice of all things.

Hazrat Inayat Khan

 

Given the New Year being the typical time to evaluate all areas of life, I have pondered the possibility of trying once more to step out on a limb and live more transparently.  By this, I mean living without the walls that we all build in the hopes of projecting out to the world how we wish to be perceived. The hiding out in plain sight and chameleon like habits are all things that I hope to let loose a bit more this year.

I will never be an easy book to read, but rather a complex work that requires great attention to detail and constant questioning. I know this will not change even with a more open approach to my daily routine. What I can work towards is not purposely moving away from my true self because of uncomfortable vulnerability or fear of rejection. I can freely choose each day to move a bit closer to my true center, my soul and honor what I find there. This requires a knowing that what I find may not be what I envision it to be.  My true self is made up of a multitude of pieces that come together as a puzzle would.  Complex, yet simple, beautiful yet messy, each piece while not beautiful by itself, becomes a work of art when completed. A piece of a puzzle by itself can never tell the complete story of the whole; it is only just that, one piece.

 

The True Self is not our creation, but God’s. It is the self we are in our depths. It is our capacity for divinity and transcendence.

Sue Monk Kidd

 

This New Year, I commit to stop judging myself by just a few pieces.  I commit to not being as selective when showing myself to the world and I commit to loving myself in my unfinished and messy state.  If I am able to make some headway on this, I will have taken a step further down the road on this crazy journey called life.

Finding Meaning in Life with Creativity

Finding Meaning in Life with Creativity

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What is the meaning of this life and why are we here? These are the universal and timeless questions asked by everyone. Answers are usually elusive and the desire to find reason for our existence lingers, becoming a steady hum of the soul. Everyone wants to feel as if life has meaning even if only slight.  I have always believed that it is in the contribution to society in some small way that one feels the most useful and purpose driven.

 

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

Albert Camus

 

Living a life that lacks meaning can result in a listless approach to the day. Why begin anew when your purpose is unclear? Motivation and resourcefulness do not exist without direction and goals. Some ask this question of themselves very early on in a life, examining the many ways in which even the smallest of contributions can be made.  Others wait until much later when they feel the tug of age to reflect, often with the realization that it is too little too late.

 

No matter how much we try to run away from this thirst for the answer to life, for the meaning of life, the intensity only gets stronger and stronger. We cannot escape these spiritual hungers.

Ravi Zacharias

 

In addition, this generation has seen a mass exodus from organized religion in a show of unprecedented rebellion. Without placing any judgment on this movement of which I am entirely unqualified to do, I believe this has led to a deep void as questions are not asked and answers are not sought. Without the individual curiosity of spirituality in the place of organized religion, what remains is a loss of connection from the larger universe. It is in the evaluation of how the self relates to all others that one digs deep enough to explore the wells of purpose. How do we really ever share the deeper parts of ourselves without revealing the very pieces that make us unique?  Simply put, I believe it is the creative self found within that drives our continued search for purpose.

 

Only an artist can interpret the meaning of life.

Novalis

 

Creative energy can present in many ways.  Discovering new medical breakthroughs, building exciting architecture, bringing together communities or sewing blankets for those that do not have any. Teaching children, playing beautiful music for others, holding a conversation with someone that is isolated or simply sitting with someone in need.  These are all examples of creative energy and all very meaningful uses of life energy. It may not be a Noble Peace Prize, or a Fortune 500 company, but all of these acts are essential for healthy human connection. This is far more important than the building of empires or acquiring riches. It is a life lead by the purpose of the soul.  As much as we try to control so many things in our lives, we do not always get to choose the way in which this creativity will be expressed. It becomes essential not to dwell on how we thought our life should be, but instead appreciate the present moment as it unfolds.

 

Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.

Thomas Merton

 

I know this is hard.  I get anxious just like everyone else, worried about what I am meant to accomplish or how the world will accept my creative contribution. It is only human to have doubts; if someone never second guessed themselves I would be suspect of their intentions. Narcissism is not a good look. One could even say that purpose is simply continuing to “show-up” each and every day.  It is willingness to try new things, embrace life as it is and continue to try and make it a better world in some small way.  With all of its flaws it is a beautiful world indeed.