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Category: Musings of a Mystic

Holding Space for Another

Holding Space for Another

Patience Lao Tzu

People are all very unique and experience the world in a multitude of ways. Emotional experiences are varied and even amongst the ones closest to us, life requires different tools and direction at any given moment.   In our nuclear families, a child can be struggling with difficulties at school at the same time that a parent is excelling at work.  How does the parent make the best effort to be empathetic and supportive when all they want is to dive into the pools of self-praise and joy? The same can be said for an older couple in which one is ill and another is still vibrant and able. The partner that is vibrant has to allow space for their sick partner to grieve and work through their limitations without becoming frustrated or directing the process.  They must also be able to feel joy, happiness and strength and not feel guilty about this.

 

With all of these various states of being, how do we best support each other? I believe it is in holding space for another. Holding space for another is allowing the time to process the emotions that are present without trying to direct the outcome.  The only requirement is to offer loving support and encouragement when needed.  If you are a person that is drawn to “fix” others, this may sound foreign to you. Difficulties in life are not necessarily things that need “fixing” , rather they are opportunities to walk a path less traveled and learn something about ourselves on the journey.  It is so hard to see those that we care about suffering, especially if you are an empathic person. They hurt, you hurt, they are sad, you are sad.  I understand this conundrum given that I cry when killers are sentenced to jail or when young adults make egregious mistakes and the course of their lives are altered forever.  It is tough not to feel for someone in a dark space.

 

It is tragic how few people ever ‘possess their souls’ before they die… Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation…”

Oscar Wilde

 

On a daily basis, holding space for another is done in small moments rather than in bigger life events.  It can be paying attention when your child comes home and proceeds to talk to you for an hour about their day, processing the emotions of an experience just by sharing with another.  All that is required in this scenario is some deep listening, a smile, nod or hug of reassurance.  By doing so, you are holding space for your child to explore their experience the best way they know how. They are still doing the work but you are supporting them. Another example would be if you have wonderful news about your day but as soon as your partner arrives home you see that he or she has had a difficult day and is having trouble handling the emotions of it all? Holding space to discharge the emotion of the day requires disciple when all you want to do is blurt out about your fabulous day. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes of connection and demonstrating that you are supportive to allow for the energy to clear.  At that point, your partner will be much more able to accept your good news and celebrate, thereby returning the favor.

 

“The psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight.”

Joseph Campbell

 

Bigger life events call for much more maturity when holding space for another.  Supporting a loved one as they pass from this world to the next, attending the high risk delivery of a child, counseling a friend that has just gone through a divorce or lost their job. These are all difficult moments to be sure and call for spiritual support of a higher degree. Holding space requires a surrender of all expectations. This is easier said than done when you have an emotional stake in the outcome. Time and time again, grace is called upon to provide strength and resolve. This is not work for the faint of heart, but rather real work of the soul that leaves one exhausted, spent and blissful.

 

The Dark Night of the Soul

The Dark Night of the Soul

Nietzsche_Chaos

The storybook life is everywhere.  Disney characters are on every imaginable brand just as movies with happy endings rate higher with the critics.  The main character always lands the promotion, gets the girl and lives in a picket fence house happily ever after.  With images such as these, it is no wonder that when one face’s doubts and difficulties, the value of a life can feel somehow less than others. Often this type of revelation is followed by a dark night of the soul, a period of time in which all is called to question.  It is the dark place that exists in all of us that we often choose to ignore.  We dress it up with optimistic stories, beautiful pictures and by telling ourselves that we are okay.

 

There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.

~ Carl Gustav Jung

 

I find this revealed most when speaking to young adults.  The thing I hear repeated most often from graduating students is that they “just want to be happy” and “be successful”. I am never sure how to receive this.  I know that happiness is an impossible emotion to bottle. I also know that success is measured in many ways, not just wealth and accolades. I wish I could tell them the truth without burdening their souls.  The truth is that life is hard.  There are any number of times in which sadness, depression, faithlessness and despair are the ruling emotions. The question is not whether we will experience a dark night of the soul, but rather how we will handle it when it arrives.

 

“The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it emotionally. A higher paradox confounds the emotion as well as reason and there are long periods in the lives of all of us, when the truth as revealed by faith is hideous, emotionally disturbing, downright repulsive. Witness the dark night of the soul in individual saints . . .”

Flannery O’Connor

 

 

The human condition is one of examining, suffering, loving and hundreds of other states of being. It is what makes us human. Without these trying times how would we ever evolve and become who we are meant to be? If I had never lived through a difficult relationship that was crushing in so many ways, how would I ever recognize the value of a loving and genuine relationship?  If I had never been on the brink of homelessness with two young children how would I ever see the value of stability and the kindness of strangers?  If I had never experienced illness and all of the uncertainty that comes with it how would I ever find solace in having faith that all will be well? You see, it really is only in the moments passing through the dark night of the soul and upon arriving on the other side, that we experience grace in all of its beauty.  It is as if the curtain in a dark room is opened, and the light is let in for the first time.

 

Place no hope in the feeling of assurance, in spiritual comfort. You may well have to get along without this. Place no hope in the inspirational preachers of Christian sunshine, who are able to pick you up and set you back on your feet and make you feel good for three or four days–until you fold up and collapse into despair. Self-confidence is a precious natural gift, a sign of health. But it is not the same thing as faith. Faith is much deeper, and it must be deep enough to subsist when we are weak, when we are sick, when our self-confidence is gone, when our self-respect is gone.

–Thomas Merton

 

With this understanding, the happiness culture of today needs a reality check.  Yes, happiness is a wonderful attribute as well as gratitude for all that is given and received. But living in happiness at all times is a recipe for disaster.  It is a masking of what is real and an untruth of the greatest sort. Showing uncertainty and fear is not a weakness but strength.  Children should see their parents cry when called for. Stoicism is not a valuable expression of love to model. Partners should have the difficult conversations about misgivings and disillusionment.  By revealing this to another, the potential for a deeper connection is created.  Living fully in both the darkness and light, we are here wholeheartedly and embracing the journey rather than the singular moment.

 

Nobody said it would be easy, and it certainly is not. It takes many years for a diamond to be formed from rock. Years of thrashing from the elements are required to shape and mold this precious jewel.  I like to think our souls are like the diamond, slowly being etched out from all of the burdens and joys of a lifetime made ready to shine.

 

Patience or hypomone

Patience or hypomone

Patience2

Our world is all about instant gratification. Whether in careers, relationships or spiritual development, the need it now mentality has permeated our very being as well as the relationships we have with one another. Information is literally at our fingertips. We have the ability to reach out and communicate with loved ones in an instant, access to a never-ending news cycle and social media to dictate our relationship cadences.  All together it equals a rushed and forced reality. Slowing down is not even on the radar.  To function in this environment, constant streams of disconnected thoughts zoom around in our brains.  It is akin to a ramble that never ends or rush hour traffic on a Friday afternoon. Unsettling for even the most balanced and mindful and downright disruptive for most.

 

“Good character is not formed in a week or a month. It is created little by little, day by day. Protracted and patient effort is needed to develop good character.”

Haraclitus

 

Creating space for quiet contemplation, creativity and spiritual growth is a challenge as witnessed by the anxiety and discontent of our population. Without attention, these very important life practices are left by the wayside and a life can become shallow and less meaningful. This dizzying pace is the result of the neglect of a character trait that is extremely important on a life journey, patience.  The greek word for patience is hypomonḗ (υπομονή).  There are two separate words for patience in the Greek language, but for the purposes of this piece, I am using this version as it speaks to me more directly. The definition of hypomonḗ is as follows:

“a remaining behind, a patient enduring, endurance, steadfastness, patient waiting for”

My favorite part of this definition is the word steadfast. Steadfast reminds me of another word, resolute. To be resolute is to be purposeful.  A patient and purposeful commitment to mindfulness is necessary to find a semblance of space in a busy mind.  Hypomonḗ can be found in many early spiritual texts and was understood as an important element to an examined life. Picture yourself in a long line at the store or caught in rush hour traffic, all fertile ground for exercising patience. I am sure that you can recall examples of those that choose to sink to a lower self, using harsh words, furious insults or simply decide to rudely ignore those around them.  It is so disappointing and shameful that the primary interaction we have when harried is anger. What if we all took a moment and choose to remain steadfast within our spirits. Standing firm and choosing loving kindness with all whom we interact.  What a different world this would be for it.

 

“Inner peace is impossible without patience. Wisdom requires patience. Spiritual growth implies the mastery of patience. Patience allows the unfolding of destiny to proceed at its own unhurried pace.”

Brian Weiss

 

In my work, I have found that interacting with loving kindness catches people off guard.  They simply do not know how to respond.  I have even had men think I am flirting with them simply by being kind.  Is that really where we have come?  Kindness is the exception not the rule? Patience is also important when beginning a relationship. To really understand another, much time must be directed towards that end.  If we are rushing around, energy cannot be given to this important job. To love another soul is one of the most important things that we do in our lives, yet it is given such little priority over other life milestones.  It is distressing and with lasting consequences. Young people jump into relationships like they are trying on clothes for size.  The depth of the process has been lost in this rushed world and the relationships that result can be just as superficial.  

 

“Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.”

Rumi

 

Similarly, patience in vocation is essential. From a young age we are asked what we want to be when we grown up.  Children list a litany of job descriptions, but one never hears nice, kind or loving as goals to aspire to.  Upon reaching adulthood it is not uncommon to become dissatisfied with life and unsure of which vocational path to follow.  Why must we choose just one?  If we are living authentically a path will unfold, as it should.  Divine timing is not negotiable and patience is required. We must continually stand steadfast in the unknown until the answers we seek are reveled. As long as we are true to ourselves we are living the best life that we can in that moment. That is enough.

 

The practice of patience holds such great meaning for me, I have at times considered getting a tattoo of the word in a place that I can constantly gaze. Sometimes a visual cue is all that is required to remember to return to that place of a calm and gentle spirit. Whatever your method,  try to continually practice patience with yourself and all that you encounter.  Perfection is not the goal, but continued effort is. If we place greater importance on this character trait, the busy mentality might finally begin to abate, the result being space created for the meaningful life work that remains.

 

Intimacy and Energy

Intimacy and Energy

Love_Mystic

Have you ever sat next to someone and felt his or her vibration?  Or maybe someone walks into your office and you feel a sudden change in your environment?  If the answer is yes, you are one that can feel others energy. We are all as biological beings, just a conglomeration of molecules vibrating and racing about. This is never more apparent than when we exchange energy with another, either purposefully or unintended. I liken an energy exchange to an unspoken contract.  One is extending their innermost self to another for better or worse.

 

Real intimacy is a sacred experience.  It never exposes its secret trust

and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture.

Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved.

John O’Donohue

 

As one that is especially sensitive to this, I often find myself with the urge to reach out and hug someone that is hurting in some way.  I feel it and very deeply. When sitting next to my children or family, I will usually place my hand on their leg, arm or back thereby connecting energetically.  It is a quick way for me to clue into how they are and what they may be feeling in that moment. I also am careful at work not to jump into someone’s office without an invitation. I will usually start conversations from the doorway testing my colleague’s energy to see if the timing for the conversation is correct.  If I sense any hesitation I will defer and return another time. I only wish that others would be sensitive to my needs in return. Daily, I have colleagues come in unannounced and proceed to tell me their woes.  I try to be the good INFJ counselor but often feel tired after these interactions. The difficulty can be when I do not fully let go of this energy and carry bits of it home.

 

Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with

someone–and finding that that’s okay with them.

Alain de Botton

 

The first time I understood the power of placement, energy and intimacy was during the more difficult years of my marriage. When my ex-husband would start yelling and pacing, I would tell my children to move away from him to the farthest point of the room.  Just sitting on the couch that was a good twenty feet away from him would relieve some of the tension that we all felt when he got in a mood and started to blame everyone for his troubles. Even with this practice, I absorbed more than my fair share of his dark and discontent spirit. His touch would cause an immediate reaction of withdrawal on my part.  Even if I was not able to vocalize my feelings out of fear, my body language was speaking for me. I shut down and kept my internal dialogue to myself, putting up walls of protection and protecting myself from any unsolicited intimacy with him. I carried this with me for years and believe this burden activated my autoimmune illness. My body reacted in the only way it knew how, by protecting itself.  It took years after our divorce and much self-work to finally feel free from this energy.

 

You see, as spiritual beings, we all crave intimacy but really have no idea how to achieve this with another.  So many things in our world are superficial and carry little meaning in the grander scheme of things. We spend so much time and energy chasing money, professional success, and material things with very little time talking about human needs.  It is as if this is a taboo subject not worthy of discussion.  No wonder so many today are unhappy and jaded about their lives and futures.  It is a big and lonely world if the only things that are meaningful are material, which have nothing to offer in the way of intimacy or love.

 

We can not comprehend the utter intimacy from which we arise and in which we live, but we can give expression to it in words and in silence, through gestures and stillness.

Tom Stella

 

Young adults today are faced with a constant onslaught of energy and information. True intimacy is not found in a text message, a Facebook post or an Instagram photo. True intimacy is taking the time to know and honor the true self of another hidden behind the facade used to navigate the world. Intimacy can be in a touch of the hands, a passing smile, a nod that says “I see you” or a moment of empathy during a difficult time.  Intimacy can also be standing close enough to look another in the eyes directly and really see them.  I am not talking about just looking at the physical self, but rather reaching deeper and peering at their soul. In addition, when standing close enough to another, one can feel energy even when not physically touching.  That is connection and it is important to be careful who is in direct proximity on a regular basis. For all these reasons and many more, intimacy is so much more than the physical expression of love.  It is an exchange of self on the deepest level and an opportunity to be vulnerable.

 

It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.

Jane Austen

 

Growing up, I was instructed to be careful whom I gave my heart too. This struck me as silly when I was younger, but I now understand the importance of carefully choosing whom I sign the contract of energy exchange with. In new relationships it is prudent to have a vetting process, allowing someone space to take down walls and expose whom they truly are. This is contrary to our social constructs of today.  We live in an immediate satisfaction society in which time is of the essence and many rush relationships only later to feel the ill effects. It is only when two choose to be vulnerable that their souls can connect in a meaningful way.

Music and Spirit

Music and Spirit

Rumi Music

To say I come from a musical family is an understatement.  My father played the guitar and was a working musician for many years. My mother has a beautiful voice and has cantered many church services as well as harmonized many Happy Birthday greetings on the phone. My Aunt Donna is still the music director of her church and plays the piano and organ beautifully. My grandfather played the trumpet in the army band during WWI and I have countless cousins that have demonstrated musical prowess as well as nieces and nephews that seem to have acquired the same musical gene.

As young children, my parents encouraged my siblings and I to play an instrument in grade school.  I worked my way through the piano, guitar and finally the flute of which my older sister would go on and get a PhD in music playing said instrument. Similarly, my little sister had the operatic voice of an angel. Still, I loved music and it was a very important part of my childhood.  

 

“Some day music will be the means of expressing universal religion. Time is wanted for this, but there will come a day when music and its philosophy will become the religion of humanity.”

Hazrat Inayat Khan

By the time I began to study dance in earnest, I was already reading music fluently and could hear phrasing quite well.  I have been told on many occasions that I am a very musical dancer and I take this as people noticing my ear for the language of music. I have confronted symphony conductors during Nutcracker rehearsal when they have carelessly left out bars of the score much to the chagrin of the dancers that have practiced diligently. I have enjoyed choreographing to some beautiful and engaging pieces of music as well as working with some fine composers. I have also used music to soothe my nerves when having an MRI.  I always choose Sara Bareilles and she has not let me down as yet during the two-hour procedures.

 

” After silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”

Aldous Huxley

 

As a part of this legacy, I have included music in my children’s life to the best of my ability, hoping to pass along my love and passion for it. My son has played a number of instruments and took a particular liking to the guitar just as his grandfather had.  He has flexed his musical inquiry with his interest in metal and on any number of occasions I have listened to metal artists even though the genre does not speak to me. My daughter, being a dancer, loves all things R&B and hip-hop. I have enjoyed listening to the “old school” beats during the many cyphers I have taken her to over the years. To say I have an eclectic appreciation for music is an understatement.

” At the root of all power and motion, there is music and rhythm, the play of patterned frequencies against the matrix of time. We know that every particle in the physical universe takes its characteristics from the pitch and pattern and overtones of its particular frequencies, its singing. Before we make music, music makes us.”

Joachim-Ernst Berendt

 

What exactly is it about the sounds of arranged notes on a page that are can bring people to tears and evoke such strong emotions? Music has a way of entering the body through the senses and then touching the deepest part of our souls. It is meditative and at the same time explorative.  When words cannot express what a heart is feeling, music steps in and forms the unspeakable. Music has the power to bring people together with a shared sense of humanity. In Sufism, whirling dervishes, who spin with arms extended endlessly, serve as a spiritual offering. Music is able to touch our true self and linger.

I use music when I walk early in the morning as a form of walking meditation. With the right music, I feel a sense of calmness that is unparalleled. The combination of music, nature and walking releases me from the endless mental loop of the day. The constant barrage of questions and concerns is replaced with clarity and serenity. It is one way in which I connect with God and I treasure it. I have known many musicians that have experienced this simply by playing a beautiful piece of music and entering an almost hypnotic state. I can recall a number of times when dancing an adage or piece of choreography, I have felt an almost out of body experience. It is ecstatic and so freeing.

So dance to whatever music frees you.  If it is Snoop Dog or Avenge Sevenfold than so be it. Music is individual as it should be.  The point is that you allow it to take you on a journey, leaving this hard world behind if only just for a few moments.

 

Echoes From Our Lives

Echoes From Our Lives

Sliding doors

In all of the places that I have lived in my life, I have had the opportunity to meet many wonderful people. Some of these people are still in my life even if only vicariously via Facebook, but the good majority of them are not. I have a close network of confidants that consist primarily of family, my sister being my number one counselor. She alone knows everything that I have experienced in life and I rarely hide anything from her. While others have large networks of friends, I prefer to have a small group for telling troubles, celebrating joyful moments and discussing the meaning of this strange journey called life.

Everyone we meet in life is on a mission to teach us something new. Surprise!

    — Joan Chittister in Gospel Days

 

I often ponder why it is that I have had so many friendships that have left an indelible mark, yet I no longer communicate with.  Some have long since passed on to the next life, while others have moved away from old shared territory. Others have started their families and been swept up in the chaos while others have immersed themselves in careers, never looking back. That still leaves a handful of people that I have no good reason for not keeping in touch.

I have come to understand these relationships as momentary student/teacher relationships. I define these relationships as instances in which people enter my life during specific moments of need and then fade away. I cannot say who was the student or teacher in most cases.  Each of us viewed the relationship through our own lens and may have taken away different interpretations of the value. Consider the best friend that I had growing up in Minnesota.  Yes, we still keep up occasionally via Facebook, and I have meet with her just once in the 30 years since I moved from that state. Yet there is a self imposed distance between us. She was a very important part of my childhood and I spent many afternoons over at her house free from the loud chaos and irrational emotions of my home.  The funny thing is that she has often mentioned how important the conversations she had with my mother were to her! What?  I have not had more than a handful of conversations with my mom that felt like real emotional connection and I am almost fifty. Is it possible that she was in my life so that my family could be in hers when she needed it most? Difficult to say, but quite possible.

We are all medicine for one another. The Sauk say, “Teachers not only teach, they also learn.”

    — Evan T. Pritchard in No Word for Time

Shortly thereafter we moved to Florida and I continued to study dance at a well-known studio in the area. The secretary at the school had been there for decades and was a no nonsense type of women. She smoked a pack a day, swore and played poker. She was rail thin with salon styled hair and a don’t mess with me type of persona. As a student, I did not interact with her much, but as a young adult she became very important to me. After becoming pregnant and marrying the new Artistic Director of the school, I found myself working in the office with her quite often. My then husband became the owner of the business and the stakes could not have been higher.  I was just twenty with a young baby and a husband that was unpredictable in both our relationship and the business.  She took an interest in my well being, gave me some tough love and even needle pointed a wall hanging for my daughter.  We ate lunch everyday before I had to teach my afternoon ballet classes. We talked husbands; life and she shared some of her brusque manner when I needed it most. I was always a bit quiet, shy and afraid to offend. I think she saw that in me and recognized the trouble I would have in my relationship if I didn’t learn to speak up. In time, my husband wore out his welcome as he often would and we elected to move.  I never spoke with her again, but when I heard that she had died I cried as if I had lost a dear friend.

Every meeting in our lives happens for a higher purpose; every meeting is a chance for evolution. We should always ask ourselves how we can grow from our associations and friendships. This makes our connections and partnerships far more meaningful and empowering.

    — James Wanless in Little Stone

Once in North Carolina another friendship formed with a strong southern women whose family had lived in the south for generations. She had four children of her own, walked into the dance studio and promptly told me she should watch my daughter while I taught. Somehow I trusted her and my daughter soon became a frequent guest at her home. We eventually moved into a rental not more than a block from her family home, which quickly became an extension of our home. She was a tough talking, opinionated and gregarious women yet loving with her children and mine. She was there during the birth of my second child walking the hospital halls with me when my husband did not show up on time. Most importantly, she was witness to the beginning of the illicit relationship my husband had that would destroy my marriage.  I believe she was in my life and my daughters to share a piece of her toughness and integrity.  Her strength was intimidating yet contagious. She loved fiercely. My daughter most certainly has a bit of this in her personality even today and it has served her well.

Moving to Salt Lake City and into the most difficult period of my life, I found myself with a number of these “angels”. The culture of Utah was very different from my own, but the people had beautiful hearts and intention. Without going into all of the sordid details, I can say that the kindness of some outweighs the evil of others. Once again, in those difficult moments, I felt well protected by those that would only be echoes in my life in a few years. They watched over me, brought me food when I was to distraught to cook and volunteered to clean up my yard. They gave freely of themselves with nothing expected in return.

And finally my mother’s half sister. I do not know her intimtely beyond our online social media interactions, a few meetings and emails.  My mother was adopted and she had only connected with this part of her family recently. How she knew me so well I will never know.  When I was feeling my worse and in need of emotional and spiritual support, unbeknownst to me she sent a book that spoke to me so clearly it was if it had been written just for me. This book is still on my bookshelf and is one I reread at least once every year. For this reason she is an angel to me.

Why people come in and out of our lives may seem like a complete mystery and in many cases it is. Is it really chance or is there a grander plan in it all?  I for one believe that we are given many opportunities to learn a lesson, often well supported during the process. It is only in retrospect that we can see the connections in it all. We are never really alone even when it feels as if we are. You may call these relationships passing, but I see them as Divine. I think about these very special people and send them my love often.  As angels walking this earth, I am sure they can feel it.

The Contradiction and Unity of Both Death and Life

The Contradiction and Unity of Both Death and Life

dickinson-before-me-eternity-

I have never been afraid of death. My sister will shudder when she reads this, but she knows this to be true. Rather than fear, I have a reverence for this transition and have always viewed it as a parallel spiritual experience to birth. I have had the honor and responsibility to sit with others as they pass from this world to the next, just as I have given birth to two beautiful souls. Both experiences feel like I am holding my breath and at the same time shouting from the rooftops. It has an air of complete silence yet with the buzzing sound of energy being exchanged.  Time stops for a moment and I feel my heart beating as it expands and contracts. Becoming acutely aware of my humanness as well as my holiness. It is a beautiful thing.  

 

When the heart grieves over what it has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left.” – Sufi

 

I sometimes think that I am not from this world. I don’t understand the constant need for commercial success, the hatred of others, the competition and greed.  I long for something that I cannot define, but know is just beyond. When I walk in the morning and feel the breathe of a new day, I feel the closest to this other. I tell no one, because this must sound crazy.  I know it is not, but I still worry about what others will think that have no reference or ability to believe what is not seen.

 

My physical body is just flesh and bones. I honor it by eating well, exercising and keeping active. I know too that this body is just a shell, a skin that will be shed, making way for the wondrous butterfly that is underneath the layers of a life well lived. I close my eyes and envision this moment when I will be free to fly as I am meant too.  I open my eyes and feel the restriction of my clothes, this body and my routine. It can be suffocating. I wonder if this is why the very young and the very old tear of their clothes at the first chance and gleefully parade about. Yet, I am so thankful that my physical body has allowed for so many life experiences. I am one that is living in both worlds, walking in between.

 

I once visited a healer and as soon as I entered her room she reached for my arm, taken aback by what she saw.  She told me that I had a legion of angels and protectors walking in with me.  I had been reading the work of St Francis at the time and she described a friar with a beard standing by my head.  She knew nothing about me, or the thin veil between the worlds, yet she saw me….really saw me. Used to hiding right under the radar, afraid to share too much with anyone, I was taken aback by her ability to see this. There were others that had variations of this gift as well? I felt instantly comforted and less alone.

 

It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we’re alive – to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

 

Death is not the end, but a new beginning.  If you are scientific you understand this. The first law of thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed; energy can only be transferred or changed from one form to another. Both birth and death are monumental transfers of energy. What has been found cannot be lost. We are forever more eternal and this should bring comfort to those afraid of the unknown.

 

Speaking of death does not make one dark or melancholic. It is a transition of life that none of us will escape. Reflecting on this is meaningful on a spiritual path and useful for growth.  The question becomes not what is death, but rather how do I live? By avoiding the topic of death, one never really understands that this life is fleeting and the measure of a good life is in the living. As one with a thin veil, I embrace each day and am not afraid of tomorrow.  I know what is to come and am ready when my lessons here are complete.  

 

Gracious Disagreement

Gracious Disagreement

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We have all been there. The moment when a discussion gets a bit heated and you are desperately looking for an out without offending the person you are speaking with. It is one of the most uncomfortable moments in communication and one that can raise blood pressures and end relationships. Emotions become so overpowering that reason is overtaken and tempers flair. Unfortunately, the point of the discussion is lost in translation and listening is no longer the priority.

Why do we spend so little time teaching children the art of disagreement?  The world could use one giant debate class right about now. Disagreeing with another should never be construed as an attack on character, rather it is simply what it is, a difference of opinion. People can and should have differing opinions, which is what makes this world so interesting. If everyone was in agreement all the time creativity would suffer and new ideas would be lost to mediocrity. It is the places where we disagree that real connection can be found.

 

He who cannot put his thoughts on ice should not enter into the heat of dispute.”

Friedrich Nietzche

 

Once again, grace can be called upon to navigate this type of communication. Grace calls for us to listen to another without blaming, formulating a response or ignoring them. Grace implores us to choose our words carefully in response. Words have meaning and can dig deeper than a knife. They are a wonderful vehicle for loving kindness but can also be a carrier for anger, vitriol and hatred. The choice is always ours, but praying for grace in moments of weakness can allow for a better and more loving outcome.

 

“Truth does not become more true by virtue of the fact that the entire world agrees with it, nor less so even if the whole world disagrees with it.”

Maimonides

 

As an emotional being, I wear my heart on my sleeve. If someone is shouting awful things at me, I will often become tearful due to the anger of the interaction. I am a gentle spirit and my body rejects this type of communication.  It has taken an enormous amount of will and grace to learn techniques to defuse angry disagreements. Speaking calmly and slowly is one. Listening to the other and acknowledging that they have been heard is another. One that I especially like is trying to view the disagreement from the others point of view. It becomes more about figuring out how they arrived in the place of disharmony rather than an emotional outburst.

 

The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.

Leonardo da Vinci

 

Relationships will never exist in complete harmony and agreement. In fact, healthy disagreement is essential for strong relationships. Burying an opinion to appease another is never a good route to choose. The issue will surely rear its ugly head further down the line and all of the energy taken to bury your voice will cause collateral damage. It takes courage and yes, grace to address things that are uncomfortable with the ones we love. I would argue that in doing so, we are expressing love. Trusting another with our deepest concerns and fears. Raising children has been instrumental in my growth as a better communicator. As parents we are constantly reminded that we don’t have ownership over our children. We have been blessed with bringing them into this world and gently guiding them.  However, they are ultimately on their own spiritual journey and our influence is only a small part of this journey. The difficult conversations I have had with my children only further stretch me and require that I exercise patience, deep listening and grace.  I am not always on the mark but I strive to get better with each time with the understanding that there is no winning or losing, only listening, observing and learning.

 

Faith in the Unknown

Faith in the Unknown

Richard Rohr

 

I have had many wonderful mentors in my life, true examples of living a soulful and loving life. They come from all different areas of practice: Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Taoism and undeclared spirituality.  As different as this eclectic group of people appears, they all share one thing in common. That is, they all are comfortable sitting in the unknown, do not profess to understand all and have no need for such understanding. They are able to recite verse and speak on their form of spiritual practice quite fluidly, while still embracing the mysteries of life that require imagination and faith.  I define people such as those in this group mystics in their truest form. They come together in a shared understanding that all is not as clear and straightforward as one would like it to be.

There is true beauty in this space. The possibilities are wondrous and do not reflect a lack of direction or act as a measure of one’s faith.  What does faith mean anyway?  Merriam-Webster lists the definitions of faith as, “allegiance to duty or a person, loyalty, sincerity of intentions, firm belief in something for which there is no proof and complete trust” Using the word faith or faithful does not imply a knowing or complete understanding of whatever it is that we are applying the word to.  It simply means a choice to believe without concrete proof. I especially like Richard Rohr’s statement on this.

 

“My scientist friends have come up with things like ‘principles of uncertainty’ and dark holes. They’re willing to live inside imagined hypotheses and theories. But many religious folks insist on answers that are always true. We love closure, resolution and clarity, while thinking that we are people of ‘faith’! How strange that the very word ‘faith’ has come to mean its exact opposite.”

Richard Rohr

 

Those of us who have dabbled in the sciences understand this to be true. Science is all about formulating a hypothesis with the understanding that others will do everything in their power to disprove the hypothesis. If in the end it still stands, the hypothesis is deemed to be “true” until the time when it can be disproven. Is this not the exact same process that a faithful practitioner will work through? Faith is a constant journey, not a destination. In my humble opinion it is a practice. Choosing to demonstrate faith for the unknown is a tenant of spirituality, along with the steadfast belief in something greater than oneself.

The answers we seek will never be shown to us definitively as long as we inhabit our human bodies.  I believe that our souls know the truths that we so deeply want to claim, yet allow for exploration as a way to deepen our human experience. The only possible way forward is to become comfortable with the unknown. The restless and questioning heart that constantly looks for further mysteries and experiences.

It takes a great deal of courage to live in this way. Much will be said about the person who practices faithfully among others who remain fearful of the unknown. They will try and disprove your hypothesis, as they should. It is healthy to be questioned and does not imply a lack of courage or resolve. One must constantly ask the heart and mind the questions that will ultimately bring one closer to the soul, our true self. For it is not only in the asking of the questions, but in the ability to sit comfortably in the depths of this place steadfast. Striving for better connection to that which we cannot be sure exists without faith. It is a deeply troubling process but enormously rewarding at the same time. It is the paradox of life once again upon us. Do you feel it?

 

“Courage is found in unlikely places.”

J.R.R Tolkien

 

Loving Self is not Selfish

Loving Self is not Selfish

rumi_universeI was taught as a young girl  not to think too highly of myself.  That sounds harsh, but coming from a hardworking family that was the way in which we functioned.  No complaining, no excessive talking about self, no ego boosting love fests and very few compliments. You can probably guess the result of this conditioning.  I am indeed a hard working adult.  Give me a job and my work ethic will not allow me to do it half way. My self worth is wrapped around my working contribution to society and I find it incredibly difficult to rest or relax without feeling guilty. I also find it excruciating to point out my strengths but have a laundry list of weakness when prompted.  This could be seen as a healthy dose of self-depreciation, but it masks a deep seeded struggle with self worth. If I cannot work hard and contribute to society, what is my value?

When the mystic’s spiritual eye is opened, his physical eye is closed; he sees nothing but God.

– Abu Sulayman Ad-Darani

 

Life has provided me with ample opportunities to face this shadow, working on creating a strong sense of self; irrespective of what I do for a living or how hard I work. I began with some rudimentary positive self-talk. This initial positive dialogue was infrequent at best.  I often continued to think, “If I am indeed a child of God, how could I be so insignificant?”  I soon added character statements that spoke more directly to who I am as a person.  I began to state affirmations that lifted me up rather than dragging me down. “I am a beautiful, loving and creative soul.” “I am a strong, independent women. I am an intelligent and committed employee.” “I am a loving mother. I am able to make a house into home”. “I am willing and ready to accept love.” The list continued to grow.

To my surprise, these affirmations started to permeate my psyche. I was no longer just repeating words without believing, I was assimilating each affirmation as a part of my belief system. Along with the wonderful uplift I felt during this experience, I still continued to have moments when the familiar negative conditioning crept back in.  Was I really being selfish by focusing so much of my inner dialogue on myself?  I prayed about it often and kept returning to the same place of uncertainty.

“Dare to love yourself as if you were a rainbow with gold at both ends.”

Aberjhani

 

It was only on my journey to mysticism that I really began to understand this pattern.  I was still that young girl in many ways and held some long seeded ideas about myself that were simply not true. They were lies that I had been telling myself created by the experiences that I had as a child. I had a choice to use those experiences in a positive way rather than a negative one.  I was indeed all of the things I stated in my affirmation and much more.  Created in the eyes of the Divine, I am perfect as I am. There will never be another “me” on this planet, and I embrace my uniqueness, missteps and celebrations with joy. I am also at an age in which I have come to a level of peace with my physical body.  As women we have so many challenges in this Photoshop society.  I had one moment when I spoke out loud, “I am done with this. My body is the temple to my soul and sacred in every way. I love it unconditionally and any one that chooses to love me will do the same!”

Standing on the bare ground… a mean egotism vanishes

I become a transparent eyeball;

I am nothing;

I see all;

the currents of the universal being circulate through me;

I am part or particle of God.

– Emerson

 

What a beautiful thing to release all of those years of conditioning and live a life of acceptance.  I love myself and I am proud to say that I do. Loving myself does not in any way make light of my spiritual journey. I would argue that one can not completely love another until they learn to love themselves.  We must be able to see ourselves in another. A union is a spiritual union of two souls and love is an essential footstone to a greater awareness of self.

So love yourself, every wrinkle, gray hair and bit of bumpiness. Love yourself for all of the stubbornness, quirky sensibilities and weirdness.  Remind yourself that you are a beautifully created miracle and are simply perfect as you are. Do not let anyone, not even yourself, tell you otherwise.