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Category: Musings of a Mystic

Call Me Anything, But Don’t Call Me Naive

Call Me Anything, But Don’t Call Me Naive

I am an eternal optimist.  I look for the best in people; always hope for a good outcome and place trust in people before it is earned. I do this freely, with the understanding that things may not go as I would hope.  I am well aware of the potential outcomes of such optimism and trust, yet I choose to continue life in this way.  Because of this perpetual display of faith and comfort in living in the unknown, I have been called naive more times than I can count.

 

Perhaps I can say that I am a bit astute, that I can adapt to circumstances, but it is also true that I am a bit naive. Yes, but the best summary, the one that comes more from the inside and I feel most true is this: I am a sinner whom the Lord has looked upon.

Pope Francis

 

Does this bother me? Yes, to some degree it does.  Each time I hear it I cringe.  I know it is a misjudgment and a gross simplification of who I am and how I approach the world. Why then does it keep coming up? My initial thought is that I tend to withhold so much of my very complex thought process, in an effort to find a comfortable cadence to all interactions with others.  I shy away from debate and confrontation and have never felt the need to push “my ideas” onto others even when they do not return the favor. This may add to an external appearance of naivety or lack of understanding of a subject.  

 

I think a lot of times we don’t pay enough attention to people with a positive attitude because we assume they are naive or stupid or unschooled.

-Amy Adams

 

Those that take the time to really get to know me soon find out that I have so many layers of understanding that I can view the same subject with multiple lenses.  This revelation either dumbfounds them or ends our banter when they realize that there is no “winning” a debate with me.  I do not believe in a winning or losing result. I live in the gray, always.

In mysticism, part of the process is living the mystery. Living in the questions and not needing the constant back and forth found in a search for answers. It is in this living of the question that we ultimately find ourselves living towards an answer, naturally. This is not being naive, this is being patient and believing that all will be known in due time. Sometimes when someone forces their opinion on me in an effort to prompt a debate, I have to tell myself to breath in and out, slowly and deliberately.  After all, I have no higher calling to find the answers others are seeking, that is their path.  If they want to label my laid back and optimistic approach naive, than so be it.

 

“One should use common words to say uncommon things”

Arthur Schopenhauer

 

In the end, I know this evaluation comes from a place of uncertainty from the other.  Their need to label me is a side effect of a need to make sense of things that are meant to remain unknown. I remember this each and every time I am called naive and try to send the offender loving patience. Yes, it stings a bit. That is my ego not liking it when someone misrepresents me in such an egregious way.  My task is to learn to let it go. I know I live in the mystery, and I am at peace with that.  When all is said and done, it simply does not matter what others think.  

 

The Trouble with Consumerism

The Trouble with Consumerism

consummerism

It is absolutely shocking how prominent materialism has become today. New phones, fancy cars, expensive jewelry, it is never enough. We think we need more money so that we can retire in good stead, take exciting vacations, hold lavish life celebrations and live in huge homes. This time of year these tendencies are demonstrated in a most revealing way. Watching the season unfold becomes a case study in reckless spending with many hoping for momentary satisfaction. It is an addiction to a feeling that will never be a substitute for real love.

I am one that avoids shopping this time of year if at all possible.  Large crowds are tenuous given that I often feel the agitation of people around me, a transfer of energy that I try to avoid if at all possible. If one would happen upon me in a large department store or even a busy grocery store, you would find me with headphones in, listening to music and trying to tune out the erratic energetic flow of the space. I always feel terrible about this.  It makes me appear unapproachable and that is something that I always strive to avoid. I still smile at people as they pass and try to look engaged to the best of my abilities, but I simply cannot absorb others restless energy and bring it home.

 

Do not let your “eye” be drawn by the false “beacon lamps” —of wealth, or position, or fame, or possessions. Be vigilant over your will and desires, for these are the corrupt forces that dwell within, and keep you from living free.                               

John of the Cross                            

 

What is it that draws people out on mass to spend money that they do not have, giving gifts to others that they do not need? I am not entirely sure. Giving of myself is a pleasant act that leaves me feeling pleased and happy for the recipient.  Giving by itself is not a bad thing.  The problem lies in the manufactured timing of the giving.  Would it not be much more meaningful to give a small card, or flowers to a loved one just because?  Without the prompts of consumerism and the market economy, a gift freely given is just that, a gift.                    

 

Any so-called material thing that you want is merely a symbol: you want it not for itself, but because it will content your spirit for the moment.                           

Mark Twain                            

 

For that matter, a gift does not have to be material at all. I always tell my children when asked what I want for Christmas, that all I require is time.  Spend some time with me, unscheduled by the holiday calendar.  That is the way to my heart.  Nothing that can be bought in a store will ever compare. Time spent with a loved one is something that the market economy has no control over.  It cannot dictate the timing or volume of this type of gift, and that is frustrating to the business community.  Hence the complete onslaught of marketing prompting people to spend with complete and utter abandon.

 

“You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship. Money is not a substitute for tenderness, and power is not a substitute for tenderness.”

Mitch Albom

 

What would happen if we collectively rejected this idea of gifting?  What if everyone simply said, “No”, I will not be maxing out my credit cards this season?  We are not responsible for the health of the markets per our spending habits this time of year.  That is a guilt trip of the worst sort and one that is irresponsible.  This year, try to tone down excessive spending.  Cherish the time spent with those you love, be it a nice walk, time doing a puzzle, playing a board game or even just sitting talking (gasp!).  All things that have little cost but result in big returns.  You will find your stress levels will lower and maybe, just maybe, you will find some peace in this season of giving.

Dragons and Princesses: Living, Loving and Learning the Mystery

Dragons and Princesses: Living, Loving and Learning the Mystery

dragon-and-the-princess-coloring-page

Be patient to all that is unsolved in your heart and try to

Love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books

that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the

answers, which cannot be given you because you would not

be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without

noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

Resolve to be always beginning – to be a beginner

-Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Writing this on the cusp of the full moon and with so much change chasing me down, I find solace in the opening sentence of the above poem by Rainer Maria Rilke. “Be patient to all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves…”  I have so many questions, many more than I thought possible at my age.  I wrongly assumed that nearing the fifth decade of life I would have acquired wisdom and be in the honorary position of teacher, imparting what I have learned to others. I could not have been more wrong. The older I get, the more I begin to understand that I really know nothing at all.  

 

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence,something helpless that wants our love.”

-Rainer Maria Rilke

 

I have illusions and opinions, as one will accumulate, the metaphorical “dragon” that Rilke speaks to above. These dragons are constantly tested in uncomfortable and unforgiving ways. I continue to hope that they will in fact become “princesses” and blossom into some incredible insight and knowing. I try to live my life with as much courage as I can muster egging on this transformation. Yet, it still eludes me.  At times it is as if I am beginning anew each day, as a child, unsure of everything and reframing all things that I encounter in an attempt to make sense of it all in some small way. It is a frightening feeling, but I inherently understand a necessary one for my spiritual growth.

 

“Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror

Just keep going

No feeling is final”

-Rainer Maria Rilke

 

This does not mean that I happen upon this journey with good nature and delight.  On the contrary, during times of intense challenge, change and discomfort, I develop a deep desire to flee. To run from all that troubles me, hiding in plain site from any transformative opportunities.  I begrudgingly curse the Divine for forcing this difficult path on me when others seem to have it so easy. The “why me?” voice in my mind can be loud, shouting for attention. I have learned that I must actively ignore this voice even if I still hear it in the distance. It is a voice born from fear of the unknown, my own personal dragon. Ignoring this voice is clearly a choice and one that I make moment to moment when caught up in the weeds of transformation.

I have taken to challenging my inner dialogue with a few statements of my own creation, among them  “be brave” and “my heart is open”.   I have even told myself over and over “I am loving and lovable”. For some reason this helps me see all things from the lens of love rather than anger or fear, even those instance in which I bring something upon myself knowing full well that I should not. Forgiveness of self is one of the most difficult pills to swallow.

 

Instead of standing on the shore and proving to ourselves

that the ocean cannot carry us, let us venture on its waters

just to see.

—Teilhard de Chardin

 

One thing I do believe to be true is that we must choose to show up each day, living the questions with no answers promised. Maybe the true measure of a life well lived is simply the commitment to approach each day with joy and curiosity.  To live fully without understanding the deeper truths and letting that be enough.  It is a difficult reality to embrace when the winds of change beckon again and again.  As Teilhard de Chardin says so well, “…let us venture on its water just to see.” I wish to “see” what today, tomorrow and everyday thereafter will bring, no matter the consequence.

 

How Do You Spend Your Life Energy?

How Do You Spend Your Life Energy?

real-time-quote

We are all only on this earth for a set period of time, there are no take backs, do overs or restarts. Each moment that we have is precious and everything that we allocate our time to should be viewed as an exchange. We exchange this precious energy while choosing to participate in daily activities, commitments and relationships that we encounter in our lifetime. Once we view this contract as an exchange, it becomes more prudent that we choose wisely who and what we give this energy too.

 

“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”

Allen Saunders

 

In our vocations and personal life a constant demand for time is the norm rather than the exception.  With technology accessible 24 hours a day, we are in a continual state of communication while achieving no real depth. I find it increasingly difficult to have real conversations about meaningful things that matter to me.  Small talk is not meaningful in a broader sense and is really just a pleasantry.  By the same token, academic speak is similarly dissatisfying.  The use of the biggest words to describe simple concepts is a display of ego that I could do without.

 

It is tragic how few people ever ‘possess their souls’ before they die… Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation…”

-Oscar Wilde

 

If you have raised children you are well aware of how fast time moves in pace with the cumulative experiences of life.  It seems like only just yesterday when my two children were toddlers.  I simply cannot believe that they are both in their twenties and adulting to the best of their abilities. The only consolation I have in this rapid pace is that I did invest my life energy into their childhood and enjoyed every moment of it.  I have no regrets and have so many joyful memories. The choice to spend time with them rather than doing something for myself was easy, I always ended up reading them a book before bed, taking them to the park or letting them just be with me as I cooked in the kitchen.  In fact, some of our most intimate conversations were while driving in the car on the way to auditions, stuck in horrible Los Angeles traffic, a blessing in reflection.

 

Lost time is never found again.

Benjamin Franklin

 

With all this being said, why do we waste so much of our life energy on things of no consequence? We rush around, hardly acknowledging those that are important to use. Our to-do lists are longer than the time we actually have and we use busyness as a conversational point. I say “No” to this model. Certainly there are things that I am passionate about that pull at my schedule more than they should, but the trick is in the balance.  Asking oneself “what is the life cost of this venture?” By life cost, I am alluding to the time required to complete the venture. Nothing is ever free. Would it not better serve all of us if we evaluated this point more regularly with the understanding that being of service to others even in a small way is a good use of life energy and representative of a life well lived?  

 

I often think about what it must be like in the final days of life, to realize that the moment has passed and life was not lived in a way that was meaningful. How terrible it must be to have the knowing that so many opportunities have been missed. I am more than sure that on a deathbed very few if any have said “Gee, I wish I had made that final acquisition”, or “If only my bank account was bigger.”  I suspect that in the final moments of life most are reflecting on the more intimate moments.  Did I hug my loved ones when they were most in need, did I listen even when I was tired, did I offer my time and energy to those less fortunate.  If only we could live our lives in reverse things would be so clear. Use your life energy wisely, love deeply, connect with others in a soulful way and be of service when possible. Live as if tomorrow is never promised and today was your last.

 

Myths about Mysticism

Myths about Mysticism

knowledge

Having an interest in mysticism can be isolating in that people shy away from discussions of deeper truths simply because it can be uncomfortable and revealing.  I hold my tongue more than speak my truth, the exception being this blog in which I have created a space to lay my opinions bare. It acts as a safe space to explore ideas that when spoken create so much misunderstanding. The few times in which I have mentioned my study of mysticism to an acquaintance, I have received the most amusing replies. I have heard my ideas are strange, new age like, evil, magical, you name it, I have heard it.  

The true mystic is always both humble and compassionate, for she knows that she does not know.

Richard Rohr

 

It is important to reiterate that a true student of mysticism understands that they really do not know what they think they do. I do not believe one has to be a student of mysticism to come to this understanding, age and wisdom will bring many to this point naturally.  It can be alarming to become aware of this, especially after the hubris of the 20’s, 30’s and early 40’s when one can do no wrong. It is a humbling experience to be sure. With that being said, I give you my myths of mysticism.

All people who study mysticism are religious

This is a hard myth to bust. I myself am a waned churchgoer.  Some will say that without a practice rooted in religion, mystics can go astray. I do think a foundation of practice is a good stepping stone allowing for some perspective and framework. Then again, mysticism is defined as a personal relationship with God achieved by experiences. Sure, some will use different vocabulary: God, the Other, the Divine, something greater than oneself…. all of these speak to me on some level. That being said, I do not consider myself particularly religious, I consider myself spiritual (as my Catholic and Orthodox family omits an audible Gasp!). It does not matter to me how I am labeled. The labels are for others, not for me.

Mysticism makes people rigid or conservative

This makes me laugh. If you know my son, you know that he is the living breathing version of the DeadPool character. He calls himself a lovable asshole and I think this description rings true most of the time. If you ask him where he gets his wit and sarcasm, he always points to me. Granted, I clean up well. Out in the world and when meeting people I am polite, business like and well mannered. At home, my family gets to hear all of my opinions and sharp retorts and we have a lot of fun verbally sparring. I also love to make people laugh and usually at my own expense. What is this life if not humorous?

 

I am weird, you are weird. Everyone in this world is weird. One day two people come together in mutual weirdness and fall in love.

~ Dr. Seuss

 

Mystics are weird

Who isn’t?  We are all a tad bit weird in our own way. Define weird and maybe we can talk. The very nature of mysticism is to accept others with love regardless of how they are showing up in the world. If that is weird or out of the box, I am very disappointed in where we have come as a society. I believe weird is often used interchangeably with being misunderstood.  If a person is living a life that is different, they are labeled as weird. If that is the only reason people may say that I am weird, so be it.

Mysticism is dark magic

Put down the Harry Potter book and walk away…. This one is so far off base that it does not even justify a response. It again boils down to labeling things that are different and “scary” in an effort to make sense of them.  The sad thing is that most people I know who have an interest in mysticism are the sweetest, most generous and loving souls.  They certainly believe in a soul and the power of a connection with a greater energy. If that is dark magic…sign me up.

 

“The business and method of mysticism is love.”

Evelyn Underhill

 

Mystics are self-absorbed egocentric people

As Evelyn Underhill states, mystics are in the business of love.  This is not only love of self but of all others. If you come across one that is self-centered, they are not paying attention. Loving others as they are, without judgment, is one of the most valuable lessons I have learned from this journey.  We all have preconceived notions of how others should act and be present in the world. Maybe these are not purposeful notions, but inherited. I have worked hard on letting false ideas go. Loving without condition is one of the greatest challenges in life and mysticism does nothing but assist with this goal.

Mysticism is a science or philosophy not a spiritual practice

Enough already with the need to label every darn thing.  Yes, there is a scientific layer to aspects of the universe as an expanding arena of possibilities.  Similarly, philosophical exploration is definitely found along the path of the mystic.  Why the need to put in a box that which can never be fully understood?  Is it really that scary to admit that we do not know what we think we do?  This statement comes from a place of ego and is not one that I give any credence to.

 

“It has taken me quite a few years to realize the fact that most of the thoughts in my head are not necessary.”

Bert McCoy

 

Mysticism is an ancient practice

This myth is actually true. Mystics have been exploring the deeper questions for thousands of years. The commitment to this exploration demonstrates that the answers we are seeking may never be found but are well worth the effort.  It is in the journey that mystics mature, learning from experience and trying to become better each day.

For all of these reason and more, I find myself enthralled by mysticism. It grants permission to continually ask of myself the who, what and why of existence. These are the eternal questions that have piqued peoples interest and puzzled for thousands of years. By doing so, I uncover more layers of self and hopefully become a better person for it.  It is indeed fascinating work.  

 

Why I Do Not Believe in a Constant Attitude of Gratitude

Why I Do Not Believe in a Constant Attitude of Gratitude

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“The hallmark of the man or woman of God is gratitude – endless, passionate gratitude for the previous gift of spiritual awareness…. it surrounds us always. Like a wind that is always blowing, said Francis de Sales; like fire, said Catherine of Genoa, that never stops burning..”

-Eknath Easwaran

 

Gratitude has come of age.  I see it written on the pages of fashion magazines, hear it said in podcasts and see the stories of those that profess it played out in the cinema. Gratitude has become such a part of pop culture that I doubt people even think twice when uttering the word. If I listen carefully I hear people saying they have gratitude for french fries, UGG boots and hair dye. If I listen even closer I hear gratitude for a soccer team wins, a near miss from a traffic ticket or even a short line at the airport.  Living with a sense of gratitude can be an all-day affair and one that leaves a feel good glow with the practitioner. With time, one may begin to believe that living in a constant state of gratitude equates to living a spiritually authentic life, living completely in the moment.

Sadly, this is not the case for me. I would be lying if I said I feel gratitude during the majority of my day.  I sheepishly admit that I have never filled out a gratitude journal; I bought one but never used it. You see, I am grateful for many things in my life, but I simply do not believe in having an eternal attitude of gratitude. Why? Well, I suppose the very act of being constantly grateful feels disingenuous to me.  

 

“The spiritual life is not a special career, involving abstraction from the world of things. It is a part of every man’s life; and until he has realized it he is not a complete human being, has not entered into possession of all his powers. It”

Evelyn Underhill

 

I am well versed in quieting my mind and living in the moment.  I enjoy times when I can completely slow the constant babble in my head and feel one with the universe.  This usually happens unconventionally for me.  I have never been a big fan of yoga but strange as it may seem, I have the most profound moments of gratitude when I am out in nature or with those that I love deeply. It would be impossible to feel this way all of the time, after all this is life and life gets real.

 

Pain is never permanent.

Saint Teresa of Avila

 

You see, life is not just happening in serene moments of gratitude, but also in moments of sadness or distress. Don’t ask me to be grateful for the demise of my 22 year marriage, or the death of a loved one or even living in severe poverty.  Don’t ask me, because I refuse to pretend to be grateful for things that are most definitely awful and soul crushing.  I strongly believe that if I do not have lows in my life how do I genuinely feel grateful for the highs?  This is where my dislike of the attitude of gratitude comes into play.  It is categorically false to put a smile on everything that happens in life and find the silver lining. If I am experiencing grief, I want to feel the grief no matter how painful it may be.  Without feeling the grief, how do I ever get past it? Sometimes it is hard to admit that we must wade in the deep in order to rise above. To pursue this metaphor even further, we must experience the  complete darkness of night before seeing the glorious light of day.  

Sure, I make every attempt to exhibit grace when things are tough and not wallow in my difficulties. I smile when I don’t feel like it and think positively about situations that are terribly difficult, hoping to get through them with some dignity. Living gracefully is not the same as showing gratitude for everything, rather it is accepting that difficulties will come and making the choice to move through these difficulties as best as one can.  Grace is acceptance of the challenges along with a belief in the gift of Divine strength supporting and comforting us when things get rough.

I do feel gratitude at times and feel the absolute elation that comes from this peaceful state of mind.  When these moments do come, I can relish in them knowing that they will not last forever, after all nothing does. By the same token, I understand that when difficult times come, as they surely will, the affirmation “this too shall pass” is powerful and can gently guide me forward toward new moments of gratitude that will most certainly return.

 

 

 

Finding Strength in the Divine Feminine

Finding Strength in the Divine Feminine

Pat, Sheila

It has taken me nearly fifty years to come to a place of calm acceptance of myself.  I am a woman that wades in the deep. It is a gift that has been passed down, one woman to the next on my mother’s side of the family, a beautiful and soulful force and a powerful way to move in the world.  My sisters and I, my mother, my grandmother and even my daughter, no one has escaped the call of the spirit. This powerful force has at times been isolating and odd.  Imagine moving through your day feeling everything those around you are feeling, now imagine looking at another’s eyes and seeing their truth.  Uncomfortable at its worst, empowering at its best. I often hide this part of myself, putting up walls in order to navigate the world. No more. The time has come to be completely myself and claim what many other women have before me.

 

“A woman in harmony with her spirit

is like a river flowing.

She goes where she will without pretense

and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself,

and only herself.”

~Maya Angelou

 

In this family, the women have always walked the energetic perimeter of both worlds. I have slowly learned to embrace the Divine feminine that lives within and trust in the wisdom of this energy. It has not been easy.  I have been called, sensitive, naive and uninformed. I know I am none of these.  I am a beautiful, gentle and loving soul. So why has it taken so long to walk confidently, claiming my true self? I believe it is because my energetic qualities make many uncomfortable, especially those that know they are being “seen”.  I suspect it is akin to standing naked in front of someone for the first time, stripped of all the layers that we as fragile souls acquire. When being stripped bare and exposed all that is left is the true self.

 

And that is what the intuition is for; it is the direct messenger of the soul.”

~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

 

Some days I try not to look too deeply, fixing my gaze downward when I simply do not have the energy to connect.  Other times, I have no control as if my intuition wants me to see someone for reasons unknown. If the other person feels this they often immediately look away, afraid to expose too much.  The whole interaction is awkward and at times painful. People go to great lengths to hide the things about themselves that they feel are less than enough.  It is as if they are constantly putting the best foot forward not realizing that it is the whole person, both dark and light, that together makes a beautiful and glorious person.

 

As I have matured, I have learned to find strength in my femininity, intuition and energy. I understand that some will come into my life only to feel overexposed and ultimately leave. A relationship with me is not for the faint of heart.  Those that I hold close in my life sense when I am at my energetic limit, quietly giving me space to calm the turbulent waters.  They also are recipients of the endless wells of empathy and compassion that I am capable of.  To be loved by a woman in my family is to feel love in the truest sense.  We love fiercely and deeply. Even if this ultimately means that I walk alone for extended periods of time, I am at peace with solitude. It is here that I find strength in the Divine feminine within me. I have come to embrace, trust and set it free out of the protective shell that I have sequestered it to for most of my life.

 

“She is so bright and glorious that you cannot look at her face or her garments for the splendor with which she shines. For she is terrible with the terror of the avenging lightning, and gentle with the goodness of the bright sun; and both her terror and her gentleness are incomprehensible to humans…. But she is with everyone and in everyone, and so beautiful is her secret that no person can know the sweetness with which she sustains people, and spares them in inscrutable mercy.”

Hildegard of Bingen

 

Conversely, I have also learned to be careful who is the recipient of my interest. I am a magnet for those that feel less than or are searching for a savior in some way. Over the years I have found that in many of these situations, the offender senses my gentle heart and seeks refuge in our relationship, hiding their darkness in broad daylight.  They may think me naive to this arrangement.  The problem is I do see them, even if I don’t say anything.  My empathy has gotten me into some bad spots in the past. I always hold out hope that another will find their way given support and loving kindness.  It has taken many years to understand that I can be empathetic from a distance and do not need to connect on a deeper level with every soul that requires help and guidance. It is not always my job.

 

“I stand in my own power now, the questions of permission that I used to choke on for my every meal now dead in a fallen heap, and when they tell me that I will fall, I nod. I will fall, I reply….”

Beth Morey

 

I write this for all the other women that have felt out of step, different and exposed. I understand what it means to walk this world seeing and feeling so many things that others simply do not.  I say to you, this is not a weakness, as some would like you to believe. This is a beautiful quality that cannot be stolen, borrowed, or bought.  It is inherent to who you are. Step confidently into your role; embrace that which is within you. Early cultures venerated this Divine feminine understanding the power of connection on this very deep level. It is only in this modern era that we have closed off and ignored the interconnectivity of everyone.  The powers at hand would like everyone to believe that we are separate and apart from one another, an untruth of the worst sort. For those of us that see beyond the externals, we know. We see that within every human is an energy that is emanating outward, a sharing of self on the most intimate of levels. What an amazing site to behold.

 

Wading into the Deep

Wading into the Deep

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As a child did you ever tentatively wade into the deep end of the pool, slowly and with great hesitation? I remember looking down past the buoys towards the drain and thinking that it might as well have been the deep end of the ocean.  It looked so mysterious and scary, I was not even sure I wanted to tread water above it. One never knows what lingers in depths unknown.  As I grew and conquered my fear of swimming in deep waters I became braver and even began to dive into the depths, reaching for the drain in an attempt to claim the eerie space for my own.  In the deep end it was silent, heavy and intense, beautiful in an unearthly way.

 

Mysticism is, in essence, little more than a certain intensity and depth of feeling in regard to what is believed about the universe.    

Bertrand Russell

 

As a woman, I have come to understand that I naturally move between the metaphorical shallow and deep end of the pool. I am most comfortable swimming in the deep. There is an unwitting intensity to me that I am a sure make some uncomfortable at times.  I can come up for air and move freely in the shallows with others, being social and talking about popular culture. I can make it so that others have no idea that the shallows are unfulfilling to my sensibilities. I can “fit in” with those that have no interest in digging deeper, making small talk like a pro.  The truth is that I have a constant longing for the deep end of the pool.  I need to feel the enticement of wading into the unknown where I can challenge everything that I have ever known.

 

No matter how much we try to run away from this thirst for the answer to life, for the meaning of life, the intensity only gets stronger and stronger. We cannot escape these spiritual hungers.

Ravi Zacharias

 

The trouble being I can get lost in the deep end.  I feel everything so intensely that I can become over sensitized and acutely aware of everything that is happening around me.  In this state I am laser focused on whatever it is that I am contemplating. Time stops and my concentration is intently pointed on one thing. I often have to stop everything and write, just to get out of my head. Upon waking up in the middle of the night, lying in bed mulling over some deep philosophical point, I will voice note my thoughts to revisit in the morning just so that I can sleep restfully.  The deep end of the pool can be deceptively turbulent depending on what I am examining.  If it happens to be myself, things can get wild.  I am introspective and evaluate just about every thought I have and action I make.  This constant evaluation is how I understand human nature so deeply, it begins with me. It can be painful to look at oneself in a critical light hence the reason that so many choose to stay in the shallows. Everything is safe and awesome there.

 

“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense. ”

Eve Ensler

 

The challenge for me becomes joining others in the shallows once in awhile.  I simply do not want to most of the time. I prefer to be alone or in the company of a small group of people that enjoy intimate conversation. I understand that we are all only given so much time on this earth and I would rather spend it questioning and discovering. This is not always a good thing, everyone needs a break.  My kids are very good at pulling me out into the shallows, by watching a television show, doing something spontaneous (gasp) or just laughing and dancing around.  Once there, I enjoy myself and feel a release of intense energy that I carry with me most of the time.  Balance is so important for perspective, especially for someone such as myself. Even with all of this, I ultimately find myself longing for the deep once again and move in that direction whenever possible. Wading into the deep is what calls to me more than anything and I answer by diving into its depths over and over again.

 

Seeing Self in Another with Love

Seeing Self in Another with Love

love-grows-by-practice

As one that is constantly thinking deeply about life, I too can get lost in the process and miss the simplicity of it all. All roads inevitably lead back to the same point, and regardless of which one you travel it will hopefully end in a place of love and connection. Loving another and sharing ourselves with those around us is truly living fully and with heart.

 

“The business and method of mysticism is love.”

Evelyn Underhill

 

One of the things that I have come to understand is fully loving another is to first believe they are enough just as they are.  Easier said than done. It is impossible to give completely to another without loving self and all parts that create a unique individual. By the same token, love requires one to recognize that the other is enough just as they are, flaws and all. It is a beautiful thing to love not in spite of flaws but because of them.  

The only time I have felt this type of love fully is with my children. I have loved them unconditionally from the moment they were born.  It is wonderful and terrifying to feel deep love. I see them as they are, not as I wish they could be, and still choose to love them completely.  It is a total surrender to the possibility of vulnerability, hurt and pain. The truth being that we as humans will inevitably hurt each other. This hurt is never more raw than when it is administered by someone that has been afforded complete trust and support. For me, trust is not given lightly, and the fact that my children broke down my walls simply by being born was like skydiving without a parachute.

 

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

Lao Tzu

 

Conversely, in my marriage I found a person that did not see themselves as enough.  Without the ability to meet me halfway it was not a healthy union. It has been an invaluable lesson for me moving forward.  I can only meet a partner in the middle by believing that I am worthy of love.  If I totally accept myself, as I am and not how I wish to be, I am able to open my heart completely.  If my partner is not willing or able to travel to this point the relationship will fail.  One cannot do the work for another. It is a painful process to watch unfold. As one that likes to help people in anyway I can, I have to resist this with every bit of willpower I have.  I only have two volumes where love is concerned, zero and one hundred.  If I decide to commit myself to a person, it can be excruciating to go through a separation of souls during the breakdown of the relationship. As odd as it sounds, this may not be a show of poor judgment.  Wouldn’t we all be a bit more true to ourselves in choosing love over indifference?  What if we all decided to put away our checklist and idea of who is worthy and took the chance to open our hearts completely without hesitation? I for one have made the decision to live this way as much as possible. Will I get hurt? Yes, I will. I know I am strong, and I have the wounds to show it. Hurt is a byproduct of risk and I am now willing to take risks that I would not have a decade ago.

 

“I will soothe you and heal you,

I will bring you roses.

I too have been covered with thorns.”

-Rumi

 

Taking a leap of faith does not mean letting another treat me as less than enough.  If I approve of myself, I will never again sit frozen in a relationship that is not based on love.  I will know that I must move on and do so quickly. It is really that simple.  Looking deeply into another’s heart is always a mystery and a fascinating one. People are so complex and “seeing someone” in a spiritual sense is a type of connection that is unparalleled. I have no interest in casual relationships; I am truly a person of depth. This can be very intimidating to those who do not wish to share their true selves but rather continue along in this world wearing a mask. I do not wish to know the mask; it is of no importance to me. I wish to know the true person in their entirety.  This is also where the risk lies.  By peering intently into someone’s true self, I can become mesmerized in the discovery.  I find it so intriguing viewing how others navigate this world and if not careful will step too far into the pools of the other thereby losing myself. I make an effort to be a voyeur now, observing but not attaching when meeting new people. Again, they must meet me halfway if they wish to engage in deeper connection.  It cannot only be me.

 

Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.

Mother Teresa

 

I am thankful for my children for having opened up my heart in a way that would not have been possible any other way. They stretched my ability to be vulnerable and continue to do so.  Each time I choose love over anger, It is a learning moment and training for the soul. I find myself having an internal dialogue in those moments cheering me on, urging me to try and see the issue at hand from their perspective. Is that not the hallmark of a healthy relationship? Similarly, partners should encourage each other to be better, while at the same time completely accepting one another as enough.  It really is that simple.

 

Synchronicity

Synchronicity

synchronicity

Synchronicity is a word that means many things to many people. Carl Jung coined the term as “the coincidental occurrence of events…especially psychic events that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality.”  Given this definition, my mother could be the poster child for synchronicity. She will often dream of events before they happen and has on many occasions called knowing that something is awry with one of her children. My children tell me I have inherited this trait as have most of my siblings.  I acknowledge having an extra awareness of those that I love and “feel” when they are struggling and in need of support. Is this relational synchronicity?  Hard to say.  I have written much about the energy of others and how this energy can be absorbed by those around them. Synchronicity takes it one step further by proposing that even when separated by large distance and association, others are connected to us in ways that we do not understand until after an event.  That event could be a brief introduction, a friendship or a deeper more meaningful relationship.  Regardless of what you believe, it is hard not to argue that people come into our lives for reasons that are unclear, leaving after having imparted important life lessons in our hearts.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

Carl Jung

As I have digested this idea over the years, I have stopped being surprised by these synchronous occurrences and instead find myself in absolute wonder over how the universe works. The reasons why a person enters a life and the timing of the relationship are never clearer than in retrospect. Similarly, the intuition that can be present is never more on display than upon reflection after the fact.

Synchronicity hints at the unified world behind the illusory veil of the material universe.

– Roger S. Jones

With all this being as it may, what is the actual point of synchronicity?  If it is only a method in which we reflect on occurrences after they happen, is it only a reflective tool rather than real time support? Would it not be better to have some perception in the moment?  I am going to argue the unpopular opinion that we do have perception but often ignore it. Call it what you will. Jung likens it to ESP or psychic ability.  I am not going to go that far, but will concede that there is something that cannot be explained by language and understanding available to us today. This undefinable element consists of the push and pull of the universe, one person’s energy to another. In some cases attracting people together for reasons unknown. The spiritual side of this gives this much more depth and possibility.  If things happen for a reason and we are drawn to one another at specific periods in our lives, this could absolutely be viewed as Divine intervention.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

-G.K. Chesterton (1874 – 1936)

No need to panic here.  I am not insisting that free will doesn’t exist. On the contrary free will is the most important element.  Suppose you have an intuition that something important is going to happen or you meet someone and just know that they will play a pivotal role in our life.  You have the option to recognize and honor this intuition or ignore it. I believe synchronicity happens many times and requires one to be open, recognizing that something of importance is in fact happening. If you are anything like me, you have experienced many instances  in which you had awareness of this shift, but talked yourself out of whatever guidance you were receiving. I find myself doing this time after time and it can be quite disappointing. It is almost worse knowing what may come and choosing not to act.  That is synchronicity going unheeded.

“At various points in our lives, or on a quest, and for reasons that often remain obscure, we are driven to make decisions which prove with hindsight to be loaded with meaning.”

Swami Satchidananda

Some examples of synchronicity might  be help arriving just when things are getting unmanageable.  Maybe there is no money for rent and a dear friend sends you a card with some cash in it. Maybe you have a sick child and meet a medical professional that specializes in your child’s exact illness.  Or maybe still, you are unemployed to the point of financial ruin but develop a lost connection with an old friend that leads to an open position. All seem like coincidences but can also be seen as synchronicity in practice. Through all of my difficulties in life I have always maintained that I was well taken care of.  I had loving support of family during my difficult relationship, I had friendships that sustained me in dark times and a roof over my head during the most challenging of financial times. The Divine aspect of synchronicity is hard to deny.

“Every time I have become aware of a synchronicity experience, I have had an accompanying feeling that some grace came along with it.”

— Jean Shinoda Bolen

Allowing the universe to unfold as it should with your eyes wide open can be uncomfortable. It is much easier being totally unaware, moving through life oblivious to the bigger picture. As odd as the concept of synchronicity may sound, I suggest that you try it on for size and see how differently you experience the world. Knowing that nothing happens without some sort of reason or purpose is comforting and allows for a feeling of connection that may otherwise not be present.  Take the road less traveled, take an opportunity to listen to your intuition and feel the synchronicity as it happens. Embrace the discomfort of it all, the unknown and understand that all will be as it should be in due time.