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Author: laviniachristine

How Do You Spend Your Life Energy?

How Do You Spend Your Life Energy?

real-time-quote

We are all only on this earth for a set period of time, there are no take backs, do overs or restarts. Each moment that we have is precious and everything that we allocate our time to should be viewed as an exchange. We exchange this precious energy while choosing to participate in daily activities, commitments and relationships that we encounter in our lifetime. Once we view this contract as an exchange, it becomes more prudent that we choose wisely who and what we give this energy too.

 

“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”

Allen Saunders

 

In our vocations and personal life a constant demand for time is the norm rather than the exception.  With technology accessible 24 hours a day, we are in a continual state of communication while achieving no real depth. I find it increasingly difficult to have real conversations about meaningful things that matter to me.  Small talk is not meaningful in a broader sense and is really just a pleasantry.  By the same token, academic speak is similarly dissatisfying.  The use of the biggest words to describe simple concepts is a display of ego that I could do without.

 

It is tragic how few people ever ‘possess their souls’ before they die… Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation…”

-Oscar Wilde

 

If you have raised children you are well aware of how fast time moves in pace with the cumulative experiences of life.  It seems like only just yesterday when my two children were toddlers.  I simply cannot believe that they are both in their twenties and adulting to the best of their abilities. The only consolation I have in this rapid pace is that I did invest my life energy into their childhood and enjoyed every moment of it.  I have no regrets and have so many joyful memories. The choice to spend time with them rather than doing something for myself was easy, I always ended up reading them a book before bed, taking them to the park or letting them just be with me as I cooked in the kitchen.  In fact, some of our most intimate conversations were while driving in the car on the way to auditions, stuck in horrible Los Angeles traffic, a blessing in reflection.

 

Lost time is never found again.

Benjamin Franklin

 

With all this being said, why do we waste so much of our life energy on things of no consequence? We rush around, hardly acknowledging those that are important to use. Our to-do lists are longer than the time we actually have and we use busyness as a conversational point. I say “No” to this model. Certainly there are things that I am passionate about that pull at my schedule more than they should, but the trick is in the balance.  Asking oneself “what is the life cost of this venture?” By life cost, I am alluding to the time required to complete the venture. Nothing is ever free. Would it not better serve all of us if we evaluated this point more regularly with the understanding that being of service to others even in a small way is a good use of life energy and representative of a life well lived?  

 

I often think about what it must be like in the final days of life, to realize that the moment has passed and life was not lived in a way that was meaningful. How terrible it must be to have the knowing that so many opportunities have been missed. I am more than sure that on a deathbed very few if any have said “Gee, I wish I had made that final acquisition”, or “If only my bank account was bigger.”  I suspect that in the final moments of life most are reflecting on the more intimate moments.  Did I hug my loved ones when they were most in need, did I listen even when I was tired, did I offer my time and energy to those less fortunate.  If only we could live our lives in reverse things would be so clear. Use your life energy wisely, love deeply, connect with others in a soulful way and be of service when possible. Live as if tomorrow is never promised and today was your last.

 

The Journey

The Journey

the-summer-day-mary-oliver

 

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

‘Mend my life!’

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations

though their melancholy

was terrible. It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice,

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do

determined to save

the only life you could save.

-Mary Oliver

 

The Journey by Mary Oliver has been one of my favorite poems for some time.  Each of us will face the struggle of identity in our own way.  Do I fit in? What is my life calling? Along with this, a litany of voices telling us what we should or should not do will rise up.  Of these voices, some will be well meaning and some not. It can be a struggle to silence these words, especially if spoken by those that we love.

Mary Oliver speaks to a desire to be authentically ourselves, even when hearing so many other ideas of how we should be living and showing up in the world.  Life presents so many expectations of who we should be, from those close to us and even ourselves.  Disappointment and frustration exists when we either cannot or will not move in the direction of our true self.

We forget that our lives are just that, ours. No one can live it for us. It is entirely up to us to choose how we spend our time and talents, who we love and what we ultimately contribute. It will never be easy; it’s not meant to be. Mary Oliver says this best with, “It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones.” There will be many impasses, roads blocked with branches and stones throughout the journey.  Moments when we will question if it is best to remain on our current path or make adjustment in the hopes of a different and more pleasing outcome.

All we can do is our very best, embracing the person that we wish to be and moving in that direction with passion each and everyday. By doing so we are breaking free from stereotypes given without permission and striving to be uniquely ourselves. We may never get to where we aspire to be, but the lessons and ultimate satisfaction is always in the struggle not in the end result.

The Full Moon and Creative Energy

The Full Moon and Creative Energy

moon
With the supermoon arriving tonight, I cannot help but wonder what shenanigans will coincide with this beautiful celestial event. As one that has always been drawn to the moon, I find it curious how elevated emotions and actions are during intense times of lunar activity. I have noticed it with children that I have taught in the past. The week of the full moon, I knew to expect strange behavior and misbehaved little ones and I was never disappointed.  It was as if the children felt the charge in the air and it made them feel antsy. With my own children, I was witness to this as well. During their teen years I could count on at least one emotional outburst the few days surrounding the full moon.  Tears would flow and verbal assaults would ensue.

Personally, I have been able to feel the full moon approaching for as long as I can remember. Maybe it is because of my zodiac sign (Cancer) or maybe it is because the moon controls the tides and we are made up of 50-65% water.  I am not sure, but I can definitely vouch for the strong pull of a full moon.  If you find yourself gazing up at the night sky completely mesmerized by its glow you are probably one that feels this as well. I have had to pull over while driving, just to get out and gaze, it is that intense. While I am certain that I am not a werewolf or any other mythical creature for that matter, one cannot argue with this powerful force and its effect on our emotions.

 

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

George Carlin

 

A phenomenon of full moons is the peak in creative energy. As a writer, I sometimes loss inspiration and stare at a blank sheet of paper with absolute angst, not feeling any sense of drive or direction. I can always, and I mean always, count on the full moon to inspire and direct my writing. I have been moved to write simply by seeing the moon brightening the sky and feeling that connection to something greater than myself.  I have also been moved to explore my most deep and intimate emotions after walking in the early morning and seeing the full moon set in the dawn of the new day.  It is incredibly revealing, leaving one feeling raw and exposed in the most beautiful way.  The creative energy at these times is so strong and unique it leaves me with no choice but to write.  All of those thoughts and ideas that crowd my brain on a daily basis are set free, a bursting from the seams. It is a true departure from my typically restrained way of sharing my inner world.

 

Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Mark Twain

 

The moon can also unleash the creative energy of interpersonal relationships. It acts as a connecting force between everyone.  Just looking up at the moon can create a cord that connects my soul with others I care deeply about that are far away.  I wonder if they too are looking at this same moon and can feel my energy. If lonely, experiencing this connection to the planet and all others is a great sense of comfort. Shared experiences, no matter how far, bring us together in the most beautiful of ways.

 

“Do you think that too,” she said, “that I have slept too long in the moonlight?”

Jean Rhys

 

Finally, if you have ever lost someone that you love, the full moon can act as a bond to the next life.  The universe is so vast, complex and far beyond our comprehension and I see the cyclical and rhythmic movement of celestial bodies as Divine.  If I am missing someone, I look to the moon, and send them my love. I believe that they hear me and know that I am thinking of them in that moment.  It is calming for the heart and nourishing for the soul. Take a moment this week to feel this energy and be blessed. After the week we have collectively had, we could all use some support from the universe.

Myths about Mysticism

Myths about Mysticism

knowledge

Having an interest in mysticism can be isolating in that people shy away from discussions of deeper truths simply because it can be uncomfortable and revealing.  I hold my tongue more than speak my truth, the exception being this blog in which I have created a space to lay my opinions bare. It acts as a safe space to explore ideas that when spoken create so much misunderstanding. The few times in which I have mentioned my study of mysticism to an acquaintance, I have received the most amusing replies. I have heard my ideas are strange, new age like, evil, magical, you name it, I have heard it.  

The true mystic is always both humble and compassionate, for she knows that she does not know.

Richard Rohr

 

It is important to reiterate that a true student of mysticism understands that they really do not know what they think they do. I do not believe one has to be a student of mysticism to come to this understanding, age and wisdom will bring many to this point naturally.  It can be alarming to become aware of this, especially after the hubris of the 20’s, 30’s and early 40’s when one can do no wrong. It is a humbling experience to be sure. With that being said, I give you my myths of mysticism.

All people who study mysticism are religious

This is a hard myth to bust. I myself am a waned churchgoer.  Some will say that without a practice rooted in religion, mystics can go astray. I do think a foundation of practice is a good stepping stone allowing for some perspective and framework. Then again, mysticism is defined as a personal relationship with God achieved by experiences. Sure, some will use different vocabulary: God, the Other, the Divine, something greater than oneself…. all of these speak to me on some level. That being said, I do not consider myself particularly religious, I consider myself spiritual (as my Catholic and Orthodox family omits an audible Gasp!). It does not matter to me how I am labeled. The labels are for others, not for me.

Mysticism makes people rigid or conservative

This makes me laugh. If you know my son, you know that he is the living breathing version of the DeadPool character. He calls himself a lovable asshole and I think this description rings true most of the time. If you ask him where he gets his wit and sarcasm, he always points to me. Granted, I clean up well. Out in the world and when meeting people I am polite, business like and well mannered. At home, my family gets to hear all of my opinions and sharp retorts and we have a lot of fun verbally sparring. I also love to make people laugh and usually at my own expense. What is this life if not humorous?

 

I am weird, you are weird. Everyone in this world is weird. One day two people come together in mutual weirdness and fall in love.

~ Dr. Seuss

 

Mystics are weird

Who isn’t?  We are all a tad bit weird in our own way. Define weird and maybe we can talk. The very nature of mysticism is to accept others with love regardless of how they are showing up in the world. If that is weird or out of the box, I am very disappointed in where we have come as a society. I believe weird is often used interchangeably with being misunderstood.  If a person is living a life that is different, they are labeled as weird. If that is the only reason people may say that I am weird, so be it.

Mysticism is dark magic

Put down the Harry Potter book and walk away…. This one is so far off base that it does not even justify a response. It again boils down to labeling things that are different and “scary” in an effort to make sense of them.  The sad thing is that most people I know who have an interest in mysticism are the sweetest, most generous and loving souls.  They certainly believe in a soul and the power of a connection with a greater energy. If that is dark magic…sign me up.

 

“The business and method of mysticism is love.”

Evelyn Underhill

 

Mystics are self-absorbed egocentric people

As Evelyn Underhill states, mystics are in the business of love.  This is not only love of self but of all others. If you come across one that is self-centered, they are not paying attention. Loving others as they are, without judgment, is one of the most valuable lessons I have learned from this journey.  We all have preconceived notions of how others should act and be present in the world. Maybe these are not purposeful notions, but inherited. I have worked hard on letting false ideas go. Loving without condition is one of the greatest challenges in life and mysticism does nothing but assist with this goal.

Mysticism is a science or philosophy not a spiritual practice

Enough already with the need to label every darn thing.  Yes, there is a scientific layer to aspects of the universe as an expanding arena of possibilities.  Similarly, philosophical exploration is definitely found along the path of the mystic.  Why the need to put in a box that which can never be fully understood?  Is it really that scary to admit that we do not know what we think we do?  This statement comes from a place of ego and is not one that I give any credence to.

 

“It has taken me quite a few years to realize the fact that most of the thoughts in my head are not necessary.”

Bert McCoy

 

Mysticism is an ancient practice

This myth is actually true. Mystics have been exploring the deeper questions for thousands of years. The commitment to this exploration demonstrates that the answers we are seeking may never be found but are well worth the effort.  It is in the journey that mystics mature, learning from experience and trying to become better each day.

For all of these reason and more, I find myself enthralled by mysticism. It grants permission to continually ask of myself the who, what and why of existence. These are the eternal questions that have piqued peoples interest and puzzled for thousands of years. By doing so, I uncover more layers of self and hopefully become a better person for it.  It is indeed fascinating work.  

 

Why I Do Not Believe in a Constant Attitude of Gratitude

Why I Do Not Believe in a Constant Attitude of Gratitude

tears-st-teresa-jpg2

“The hallmark of the man or woman of God is gratitude – endless, passionate gratitude for the previous gift of spiritual awareness…. it surrounds us always. Like a wind that is always blowing, said Francis de Sales; like fire, said Catherine of Genoa, that never stops burning..”

-Eknath Easwaran

 

Gratitude has come of age.  I see it written on the pages of fashion magazines, hear it said in podcasts and see the stories of those that profess it played out in the cinema. Gratitude has become such a part of pop culture that I doubt people even think twice when uttering the word. If I listen carefully I hear people saying they have gratitude for french fries, UGG boots and hair dye. If I listen even closer I hear gratitude for a soccer team wins, a near miss from a traffic ticket or even a short line at the airport.  Living with a sense of gratitude can be an all-day affair and one that leaves a feel good glow with the practitioner. With time, one may begin to believe that living in a constant state of gratitude equates to living a spiritually authentic life, living completely in the moment.

Sadly, this is not the case for me. I would be lying if I said I feel gratitude during the majority of my day.  I sheepishly admit that I have never filled out a gratitude journal; I bought one but never used it. You see, I am grateful for many things in my life, but I simply do not believe in having an eternal attitude of gratitude. Why? Well, I suppose the very act of being constantly grateful feels disingenuous to me.  

 

“The spiritual life is not a special career, involving abstraction from the world of things. It is a part of every man’s life; and until he has realized it he is not a complete human being, has not entered into possession of all his powers. It”

Evelyn Underhill

 

I am well versed in quieting my mind and living in the moment.  I enjoy times when I can completely slow the constant babble in my head and feel one with the universe.  This usually happens unconventionally for me.  I have never been a big fan of yoga but strange as it may seem, I have the most profound moments of gratitude when I am out in nature or with those that I love deeply. It would be impossible to feel this way all of the time, after all this is life and life gets real.

 

Pain is never permanent.

Saint Teresa of Avila

 

You see, life is not just happening in serene moments of gratitude, but also in moments of sadness or distress. Don’t ask me to be grateful for the demise of my 22 year marriage, or the death of a loved one or even living in severe poverty.  Don’t ask me, because I refuse to pretend to be grateful for things that are most definitely awful and soul crushing.  I strongly believe that if I do not have lows in my life how do I genuinely feel grateful for the highs?  This is where my dislike of the attitude of gratitude comes into play.  It is categorically false to put a smile on everything that happens in life and find the silver lining. If I am experiencing grief, I want to feel the grief no matter how painful it may be.  Without feeling the grief, how do I ever get past it? Sometimes it is hard to admit that we must wade in the deep in order to rise above. To pursue this metaphor even further, we must experience the  complete darkness of night before seeing the glorious light of day.  

Sure, I make every attempt to exhibit grace when things are tough and not wallow in my difficulties. I smile when I don’t feel like it and think positively about situations that are terribly difficult, hoping to get through them with some dignity. Living gracefully is not the same as showing gratitude for everything, rather it is accepting that difficulties will come and making the choice to move through these difficulties as best as one can.  Grace is acceptance of the challenges along with a belief in the gift of Divine strength supporting and comforting us when things get rough.

I do feel gratitude at times and feel the absolute elation that comes from this peaceful state of mind.  When these moments do come, I can relish in them knowing that they will not last forever, after all nothing does. By the same token, I understand that when difficult times come, as they surely will, the affirmation “this too shall pass” is powerful and can gently guide me forward toward new moments of gratitude that will most certainly return.

 

 

 

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

It is that time of year once again, and I am giddy with the baking bug. I love the flavors of dark chocolate and pumpkin together, truly an amazing pairing. If you have followed this blog at all you are well aware of my obsession with chocolate chip cookies. I make them in so many different varieties that I could write a book on just that.  For this recipe, I have tweaked my original chocolate chip cookie by adding pumpkin, for a cookie that fits into any holiday plans from now until January.

ingredientsAs always, these cookies are grain, nut, dairy and refined sugar free. Do not let that fool you, I have made these for my co-workers and have received much positive feedback about how good they really do taste. The only caveat I will give is that I am terrible at measuring when I bake. In fact the only time I do measure is if I am trying to share a recipe with all of you. I am more a little of this, a little of that kind of baker and thankfully I have a good eye for amounts. I say this, so that you do not hold back from being creative yourself with this recipe.  Try different nut or seed butters, experiment with various sweeteners or add coconut flakes and nuts. You will be pleasantly surprised by how flexible this recipe is and will soon find your “sweet spot” in this recipe, pun intended.

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Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies
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Ingredients
  1. 1/4 Cup Sunflower Seed Butter (no sugar added)
  2. 1/2 Cup Organic Pumpkin Puree
  3. 2 Organic Eggs
  4. 1/2 Cup Coconut Sugar
  5. 1 Tsp. Baking Soda
  6. 1/4 Cup Arrowroot Flour
  7. 1/2 Cup Coconut Flour
  8. 1 1/2 Cup Dairy Free Dark Chocolate Chips
Instructions
  1. Preheat oven to 375 Degrees.
  2. Mix together all of the wet ingredients.
  3. Add in the dry ingredients (in any order). Mix thoroughly.
  4. Let the batter sit for a few minutes to allow the coconut flour to absorb the liquid.
  5. Add a few tablespoons of water if needed.The batter should not be sticky, it should be easy to stir.
  6. Stir in the dark chocolate chips.
  7. Put on a silicone baking sheet by the tablespoon. Press down slightly as they will not spread during baking.
  8. Bake for 15 minutes at 375 degrees.Cool completely before removing from baking sheet.
Mystic Cookie https://mysticcookie.com/
Daring to be Different

Daring to be Different

different

Peer pressure is a powerful thing. From a very young age, many feel the pull to fit in and be accepted into a group. There are many groups: geeks, jocks, hippies, nerds, outcasts, cheerleaders etc., being cool is not a prerequisite to feeling peer pressure. As one that moved freely between many different groups my entire life, I have had the unique opportunity to observe this pack mentality up close while at the same time being slightly removed from it. From a sociological perspective it is fascinating.

 

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).”

Mark Twain

 

People generally like to feel accepted and understood.  Academics go out of their way to use big words, artists to appear creative and colorful and businessmen and women to sound strong and intelligent. What happens when faced with someone outside of this norm? Perhaps an educator that describes things in layman’s terms, an artist keeping a regular and organized schedule or a businessman or woman that shows sensitivity and human compassion?  With no reference for acting outside of stereotypical roles, this person is often looked upon as an anomaly. Anomalies make people uncomfortable, plain and simple. With no idea what to expect from someone, many will make less of an effort to interact simply because the social cues that are often present have been rejected.

 

“Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your soul.”

Walt Whitman

 

In my workplace, many are predictably liberal and colorful artists. Yes, there are a few exceptions to this rule, but not many. Is it possible that within a group’s desire to be unique, they become decidedly similar? I think so.  Daring to be different might be expressed as an interest in business practices, or timeliness. I have always been a textbook example of a right/left brain person. I have an intensely creative side that is expressed in multiple ways. I danced, played three instruments and now bake, teach ballet and write. Similarly, I have the reputation for being the organized business minded person in my family and work. I enjoy applying my creative mind to business ventures and seeing them to fruition. I revel in this aspect of my “differentness”

 

“Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.”

Mark Twain

 

This is not always received as one would think. While I can speak and write in simple terms, I am just as capable of producing intelligent thoughts and ideas as a well published academic. I simply like to make others feel comfortable and hate the distance a forced vocabulary creates. By the same token, heeding deadlines and writing business plans is often looked at among artists as rigid and lacking of creativity. I reject the notion that one has to be unstable or erratic to be a good artist. I have come across this idea in my many years as a dancer and always found it amusing. Conversely, in the library business people are much more project oriented. To creatively envision an idea or think out of the box can be excruciating among others that do not think this way. I just want to encourage my colleagues to have a little fun with the project.  Coming from me that is saying quite a bit.

 

“There is almost a sensual longing for communion with others who have a large vision. The immense fulfillment of the friendship between those engaged in furthering the evolution of consciousness has a quality impossible to describe.”

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

 

Overtime I have begun to tire of the whole charade. I am who I am and have no need to classify myself as a part of a group, no matter how fringe that group may be. I talk to everyone regardless of where they stand in the social structure, understanding that I have something to learn from them all. I have said it before, people are fascinating. The way we migrate to one another and hold on for dear life in a display of herd mentality. Once a group of people are identified some mingle only with that group, creating a routine that is maintained indefinitely. Maybe this is why I have changed careers and moved so often in my life.  If I am not learning from the collective I am apart of, I feel stagnant and long for a new challenge and new interpersonal relationships. What is the point of it all if not for learning new things and new ways of being? The strange dichotomy in this is that I crave security and stability, the dual brain in all of its glory.

 

I have come to except that no matter where I go or what job I have, I will always feel a bit different and out of step.  Never really buying into the constructs of a vocation or location, I will always be disconnected in a sense, an observer looking in. My goal in life is to feel some degree of comfort and stability in the dichotomy. It is possible that this very challenge is my true interest and one of the reasons that I study mysticism as intently as I do. The constant conflict of experience and knowledge can be a powerful tool for spiritual work and I have much yet to learn. As my tea bag says today “Life is a flow of love, your participation is requested”.  I chose to participate even if from the outside looking in.

 

Finding Strength in the Divine Feminine

Finding Strength in the Divine Feminine

Pat, Sheila

It has taken me nearly fifty years to come to a place of calm acceptance of myself.  I am a woman that wades in the deep. It is a gift that has been passed down, one woman to the next on my mother’s side of the family, a beautiful and soulful force and a powerful way to move in the world.  My sisters and I, my mother, my grandmother and even my daughter, no one has escaped the call of the spirit. This powerful force has at times been isolating and odd.  Imagine moving through your day feeling everything those around you are feeling, now imagine looking at another’s eyes and seeing their truth.  Uncomfortable at its worst, empowering at its best. I often hide this part of myself, putting up walls in order to navigate the world. No more. The time has come to be completely myself and claim what many other women have before me.

 

“A woman in harmony with her spirit

is like a river flowing.

She goes where she will without pretense

and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself,

and only herself.”

~Maya Angelou

 

In this family, the women have always walked the energetic perimeter of both worlds. I have slowly learned to embrace the Divine feminine that lives within and trust in the wisdom of this energy. It has not been easy.  I have been called, sensitive, naive and uninformed. I know I am none of these.  I am a beautiful, gentle and loving soul. So why has it taken so long to walk confidently, claiming my true self? I believe it is because my energetic qualities make many uncomfortable, especially those that know they are being “seen”.  I suspect it is akin to standing naked in front of someone for the first time, stripped of all the layers that we as fragile souls acquire. When being stripped bare and exposed all that is left is the true self.

 

And that is what the intuition is for; it is the direct messenger of the soul.”

~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

 

Some days I try not to look too deeply, fixing my gaze downward when I simply do not have the energy to connect.  Other times, I have no control as if my intuition wants me to see someone for reasons unknown. If the other person feels this they often immediately look away, afraid to expose too much.  The whole interaction is awkward and at times painful. People go to great lengths to hide the things about themselves that they feel are less than enough.  It is as if they are constantly putting the best foot forward not realizing that it is the whole person, both dark and light, that together makes a beautiful and glorious person.

 

As I have matured, I have learned to find strength in my femininity, intuition and energy. I understand that some will come into my life only to feel overexposed and ultimately leave. A relationship with me is not for the faint of heart.  Those that I hold close in my life sense when I am at my energetic limit, quietly giving me space to calm the turbulent waters.  They also are recipients of the endless wells of empathy and compassion that I am capable of.  To be loved by a woman in my family is to feel love in the truest sense.  We love fiercely and deeply. Even if this ultimately means that I walk alone for extended periods of time, I am at peace with solitude. It is here that I find strength in the Divine feminine within me. I have come to embrace, trust and set it free out of the protective shell that I have sequestered it to for most of my life.

 

“She is so bright and glorious that you cannot look at her face or her garments for the splendor with which she shines. For she is terrible with the terror of the avenging lightning, and gentle with the goodness of the bright sun; and both her terror and her gentleness are incomprehensible to humans…. But she is with everyone and in everyone, and so beautiful is her secret that no person can know the sweetness with which she sustains people, and spares them in inscrutable mercy.”

Hildegard of Bingen

 

Conversely, I have also learned to be careful who is the recipient of my interest. I am a magnet for those that feel less than or are searching for a savior in some way. Over the years I have found that in many of these situations, the offender senses my gentle heart and seeks refuge in our relationship, hiding their darkness in broad daylight.  They may think me naive to this arrangement.  The problem is I do see them, even if I don’t say anything.  My empathy has gotten me into some bad spots in the past. I always hold out hope that another will find their way given support and loving kindness.  It has taken many years to understand that I can be empathetic from a distance and do not need to connect on a deeper level with every soul that requires help and guidance. It is not always my job.

 

“I stand in my own power now, the questions of permission that I used to choke on for my every meal now dead in a fallen heap, and when they tell me that I will fall, I nod. I will fall, I reply….”

Beth Morey

 

I write this for all the other women that have felt out of step, different and exposed. I understand what it means to walk this world seeing and feeling so many things that others simply do not.  I say to you, this is not a weakness, as some would like you to believe. This is a beautiful quality that cannot be stolen, borrowed, or bought.  It is inherent to who you are. Step confidently into your role; embrace that which is within you. Early cultures venerated this Divine feminine understanding the power of connection on this very deep level. It is only in this modern era that we have closed off and ignored the interconnectivity of everyone.  The powers at hand would like everyone to believe that we are separate and apart from one another, an untruth of the worst sort. For those of us that see beyond the externals, we know. We see that within every human is an energy that is emanating outward, a sharing of self on the most intimate of levels. What an amazing site to behold.

 

Illness as Teacher

Illness as Teacher

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I am in most cases an intensely private person. In fact it takes a while and a good degree of trust before I share intimate details of my life with another. I have no problem talking about superficial things, what I ate for dinner, a movie I have seen or my new exercise plan.  I do not consider these things intimate and can make polite conversation with others as needed.  It will take much more from an interested party to find out what my true thoughts and opinions are; I hold them closer to my chest. It will also take some time to begin to understand my world and the things the matter deeply to me.  Those that love me see me completely for who I am.  

 

“A best friend is the only one that walks into your life when the world has walked out.”

Shannon Alder

 

One of the things that I have held closely in the past few years is my illness. I have Multiple Sclerosis.  Just writing it is difficult because I do not believe in labels or illness as a definition of a person. It is never the first thing on my mind and I do not picture myself as “sick”. I have had to share this diagnosis with some at work due to scheduling issues with treatments and can say that most of the time I have felt conflicted about doing so. My neurologist calls me “high functioning” in that I do not wear my disease on my sleeve.  One would have to look very closely at me to see any obvious symptoms. This can be both a good thing and a bad thing.

 

“Worry is itself an illness, since worry is an accusation against Divine Wisdom, a criticism of Divine Mercy.”

Said Nursi

 

First the good. As a former dancer I have exceptional balance and good muscle condition.  This has been helpful in hiding otherwise challenging symptoms.  I am able to go to the gym each morning and consider it one of the most important things that I do for myself in order to maintain physical strength. I would venture to say that I am in better shape than most and I work very hard at this. I love to hike and I am just not willing to give that up. A relapse last year included moments of disequilibrium that I was able to hide from most of my colleagues. Sure the room would spin for a moment, but with my good balance people were none the wiser.

 

Now for the bad.  Because I do not look sick, people do not understand when I need to sleep nine hours a night, eat a restricted diet and manage my stress. It appears as if I am uptight or unwilling to be flexible.  As one that would never use my illness as an excuse, I rarely correct others when they hold these opinions.  MS is nothing different than diabetes, depression, high blood pressure or any other chronic condition.  It is never what defines me but rather just another part of who I am.  When I am feeling great I sometimes even forget that I have it.  

 

Why write this now?  Illness is usually something that people hide from others, afraid of judgment or rejection. I guess I have gotten tired of the charade and am confident that others feel the same about their personal challenges. It is exhausting to have this element in my life and feel as if I must hide it from everyone to keep my job or find love. I know that I am so much more than this body and am thankful for the opportunity to learn through illness. Before I was diagnosed, I admit that I was far more judgmental than I am now. If someone was sick, I wondered what he or she did “wrong” to become that way.  If someone was depressed, I wondered why he or she could not be free of the darkness. I prided myself in doing everything right. I exercised, ate healthfully and took care of myself.  I was the consummate perfectionist. It was not until I went through severe emotional stress during my divorce that my diagnosis was initially made.  Unbelievably, I had been living with MS for a decade according to brain scans and never even knew.

 

“Become slower in your journey through life. Practice yoga and meditation if you suffer from ‘hurry sickness.’ Become more introspective by visiting quiet places such as churches, museums, mountains and lakes. Give yourself permission to read at least one novel a month for pleasure.”

Wayne Dyer

 

What have I learned from this experience so far?  

 

I have learned not to assume anything in regards to others lives. They may wear a happy face, but underneath be in chronic pain, carry deep sadness or be in severe distress. Everyone and I mean everyone is fighting a battle in some way. People are so nuanced and complex.  It is absolutely a disservice to others to pretend I understand what they may be struggling with on a daily basis.

 

I have learned that some will walk away, unable to see me suffer.  It makes people uncomfortable and I can see why.  It has taken a few years for me to feel at ease with this.  I understand that the right person will see me and not this disease. I do not hold back in my life and have so much to offer.  I am loving, hardworking and fun.  I embrace and appreciate life so much more than I did in the past. I am absolutely worthy of love.

 

I have learned greater empathy.  Going to visit my doctor is the most difficult thing for me in that I see others not as fortunate as I that have more severe forms of this awful disease. I have found this to be an incredible opportunity to show kindness and compassion for those in much greater need and feel lucky to be able to give in this way.

 

I have learned patience with myself and with others. If I am not feeling well I have to be patient with this body I have been given.  That could mean a shorter gym session, resting on the couch after work, or saying no when all I want to do is say yes. At the same time I have learned to be patient with others when my limitations frustrate them.  I am blessed with a beautiful family that just knows when I have reached my limit.  They say they can see it on my face when I “hit the wall” and encourage me to rest.  

 

I have learned to relax more.  Seems strange but for this hard working German girl with Minnesota farming blood, I pride myself in working hard and I mean hard. I don’t think I truly knew how to just sit and relax until my diagnosis.  I have found joy in doing a puzzle, reading a book, watching a movie or just being with those that I love without the constant pull of multi tasking. It has been freeing on so many levels, a reason to stop and just be.

 

I have learned to forgive. I have forgiven those who were careless with my heart, those that I believe progressed my illness by stressing my system to its very limits.  I have also forgiven myself.  It is all too easy to blame oneself for autoimmune illnesses and disease.  Why me? What could I have done differently?  It is a dangerous road to travel and one that I have come to peace with.

 

“We are not victims of aging, sickness and death. These are part of scenery, not the seer, who is immune to any form of change. This seer is the spirit, the expression of eternal being.”

Deepak Chopra

 

Finally, I have learned not to set limits on myself. I am a mother, daughter, friend and coworker.  I have endless possibilities in front of me and welcome new challenges. One of my favorite humans in the world is my neurologist, she is my Yoda. When I was diagnosed, she made sure to tone down my fatalist perspective by reminding me that people live with this illness and are quite productive. They fall in love; have families, meaningful careers and wonderful fulfilling lives.  She gave me strength when I could not find it myself. My wish for those reading and struggling with something is that you know you are not alone. You have a legion of others with you on this journey, lending you strength when you need it most.  Live your life joyfully, smile at the sun and breathe in the fall air.  Your life is beautiful simply because you are here.  The circumstance is of no importance. From one soul to another my wish is that you live with an open heart and welcome each day with a smile. I do and am forever grateful for illness as my teacher.

 

Wading into the Deep

Wading into the Deep

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As a child did you ever tentatively wade into the deep end of the pool, slowly and with great hesitation? I remember looking down past the buoys towards the drain and thinking that it might as well have been the deep end of the ocean.  It looked so mysterious and scary, I was not even sure I wanted to tread water above it. One never knows what lingers in depths unknown.  As I grew and conquered my fear of swimming in deep waters I became braver and even began to dive into the depths, reaching for the drain in an attempt to claim the eerie space for my own.  In the deep end it was silent, heavy and intense, beautiful in an unearthly way.

 

Mysticism is, in essence, little more than a certain intensity and depth of feeling in regard to what is believed about the universe.    

Bertrand Russell

 

As a woman, I have come to understand that I naturally move between the metaphorical shallow and deep end of the pool. I am most comfortable swimming in the deep. There is an unwitting intensity to me that I am a sure make some uncomfortable at times.  I can come up for air and move freely in the shallows with others, being social and talking about popular culture. I can make it so that others have no idea that the shallows are unfulfilling to my sensibilities. I can “fit in” with those that have no interest in digging deeper, making small talk like a pro.  The truth is that I have a constant longing for the deep end of the pool.  I need to feel the enticement of wading into the unknown where I can challenge everything that I have ever known.

 

No matter how much we try to run away from this thirst for the answer to life, for the meaning of life, the intensity only gets stronger and stronger. We cannot escape these spiritual hungers.

Ravi Zacharias

 

The trouble being I can get lost in the deep end.  I feel everything so intensely that I can become over sensitized and acutely aware of everything that is happening around me.  In this state I am laser focused on whatever it is that I am contemplating. Time stops and my concentration is intently pointed on one thing. I often have to stop everything and write, just to get out of my head. Upon waking up in the middle of the night, lying in bed mulling over some deep philosophical point, I will voice note my thoughts to revisit in the morning just so that I can sleep restfully.  The deep end of the pool can be deceptively turbulent depending on what I am examining.  If it happens to be myself, things can get wild.  I am introspective and evaluate just about every thought I have and action I make.  This constant evaluation is how I understand human nature so deeply, it begins with me. It can be painful to look at oneself in a critical light hence the reason that so many choose to stay in the shallows. Everything is safe and awesome there.

 

“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense. ”

Eve Ensler

 

The challenge for me becomes joining others in the shallows once in awhile.  I simply do not want to most of the time. I prefer to be alone or in the company of a small group of people that enjoy intimate conversation. I understand that we are all only given so much time on this earth and I would rather spend it questioning and discovering. This is not always a good thing, everyone needs a break.  My kids are very good at pulling me out into the shallows, by watching a television show, doing something spontaneous (gasp) or just laughing and dancing around.  Once there, I enjoy myself and feel a release of intense energy that I carry with me most of the time.  Balance is so important for perspective, especially for someone such as myself. Even with all of this, I ultimately find myself longing for the deep once again and move in that direction whenever possible. Wading into the deep is what calls to me more than anything and I answer by diving into its depths over and over again.