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Author: laviniachristine

Be Still

Be Still

 

At times I just want the noise to stop. I wish to spend a day lying in the grass, memorizing the sky into a night of brilliant stars. I wish to hear the silence of the earth breathing gently in my ear. I wish to dance with the wind carrying the whisper of secrets only silence can hear. I wish to hear the story of this place written with a distant pen only those knowing where to look can find. I wish all of these things and get frustrated with the distractions of daily life. I want nothing more than to spend some time just being.

 

Be still and recognize the earth is Divine. No country, town, building or room can hold something so vast and profound. Why do some think they can claim ownership over this other? There is nothing to be claimed, nothing to be had. It is in every breath, every kiss, every song and every thought. The Divine is everything; we are so small in comparison.

 

“A few minutes ago every tree was excited, bowing to the roaring storm,

waving, swirling, tossing their branches in glorious enthusiasm like

worship. But though to the outer ear these trees are now silent, their

songs never cease.

-John Muir

 

Be still, unmoving, yet uncontrolled. Rest in ease and relax the mind, allow the spirit to move in you and through you. This is the beauty of quiet. It is an opportunity to feel all that we miss in the cyclone of noise. Everything and everyone is vibrating around you. Listen and you will hear all of the ribbons of connection, creating an intricate web of universal energy. Nothing compares, no job, money, thing or otherwise.

 

Be still and know all is well. No matter what ails you, it too shall pass. Life is a balance of joy and sorrow, love and hate, friend and foe. A constant swing of a pendulum back and forth, back and forth. Embrace this rhythm, feel the easy pace of the repetition. Enjoy all of these moments as everything will begin anew as is the way.

 

“They both listened silently to the water, which to them was not just water, but the voice of life, the voice of Being, the voice of perpetual Becoming.”

― Hermann Hesse

 

Be still and know nothing is greater than loving and being loved. A sharing of souls, an exchange of energy that is as magical as the beginnings of this universe. Timeless and never bound, love is eternal. Rest in an open heart, with a knowing that to share your heart, no matter how vulnerable you feel, is living.

 

Be still and know at the end of this story, our story, all that matters is deep listening. Did we quiet the noise and silence the naysayers. Did we listen for the secrets on the morning breeze and embrace the silence of a dark night. Listen and know you are loved, we are loved. Listen and feel everything, do not be afraid. Close your eyes and feel the breathe of the earth and all that inhabit it, we are one. Never separate, but a beautiful tapestry of energy encompassing all that is and all that will be in boldness and beauty.

Be still and know.

Be Soft. Do Not Let The World Harden You

Be Soft. Do Not Let The World Harden You

Moving about this world with a gentle heart is being caught in a constant tornado of emotion. Feeling everything and everyone and unsure of what to do with this energy can leave one unsettled and anxious. It is a disequilibrium of the emotional sort, a momentary jolt of imbalance and unease. Many who experience this feeling chose to hide this part of themselves. While it surely feels safer to move about in a protective shell that repels unsolicited energy, this only lessens the rawness of living by dulling the senses and avoiding the collision of souls necessary for growth.

 

Being gentle by its very nature requires a softening in life, a loving and gentle approach to all situations no matter how difficult.  It is a state of feeling separate or apart but at the same time completely one with all else. It is in the seeing and feeling of others that we are able to use this softness by listening, loving and being with those that are in need. It is also in the seeing of the hardness of the world, that we may find our calling and passion.

 

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place”

Iain Thomas

 

As one who has lived this way for some time, I humbly offer this insight in the hopes that it will be of some comfort for others who may be struggling with finding their voice.

 

You will be called sensitive, weak and quiet a million times over all the while knowing that you are none of these things. You are in fact strong, smart and capable.  It is in your manner that others feel compelled to place false labels. They are labels that represent the others feelings of inadequacy, do not claim them. Do not take what is not yours, it never was.

 

Never mind what others are telling you and disregard the static, it is only noise. The world is in desperate need of more gentle hearted people. Whether it is at work, home or in a social circle, those that move softly even when challenged are needed more than ever. Do not let others tell you that in order to be heard you must be loud or assertive. This is an untruth and cruelty to your nature. Do not let this world make you hard and callous. Others will try, ignore them. They may be wounded, hurting and are deserving of love. Love them, even if they do not love themselves.

 

When you encounter difficulties and contradictions, do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time.

Saint Francis de Sales

 

Let people in. Do not be afraid to love and share your heart with another. Allow the beloved to protect you, to embrace you and to “see” you. Yes, you are strong and will be fine on your own, but you can also grow tenfold when loving deeply. Expand your energy, let it live. No one can extinguish your flame without permission, do not give it.

 

Finally, accept what has been given to you without condition. You may not understand it now, but your gentle heart will uplift and heal many. Let it breathe, openly without judgement. Feel and be seen. At times it will hurt, be painful and heavy, but it will most often be joyous, beautiful and expansive. Live for those moments and let your heart lead in all matters. It is your guide, your true north. Trust that all will be well.

 

Humor and Humility..Laugh A Little

Humor and Humility..Laugh A Little

 

“These are the few ways we can practice humility:

To speak as little as possible of one’s self.

To mind one’s own business.

Not to want to manage other people’s affairs.

To avoid curiosity.

To accept contradictions and correction cheerfully.

To pass over the mistakes of others.

To accept insults and injuries.

To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.

To be kind and gentle even under provocation.

Never to stand on one’s dignity.

To choose always the hardest.”

― Mother Teresa

 

I love to laugh. Surprised? My writing tends to be very deep creating the erroneous impression that I sit at home, lost in my thoughts, hanging over the dark end of the abyss. This is not even close to the truth.  In my world, there is nothing that compares to a good long bellyache laugh that leaves me red in the cheeks and short of breath. It is absolutely wonderful and a free stress reliever to boot. Simply said, I enjoy anything funny and adore friends that have a knack for making me laugh.

 

One of my favorite actors when I was young was Carol Burnett being the self-deprecating humorist that she is and one that I can relate to in many ways. Somehow, I make a fool of myself at least once a day. At times my clumsiness is the culprit. My parents used to say it was a good thing I can dance because I most definitely can not walk. I have the recurring misfortune of tripping over my own feet, utterly embarrassing each time.  I also make hilarious mistakes with speech.  I have an eloquent running vocabulary in my mind that never seems to come out the way I envision. Just as I stumble over my feet, I stumble over my words at my own expense. Humor is an integral part of my life and in my case has been a facilitator for greater humility.

 

“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

 

Humility on its own can be an over pious and forced act. It is such a serious and even heavy term that calls for as much attention as one can muster. What does it even mean to be humble?  I like Mother Teresa’s thoughts on this and can’t help but notice that I do not even come close to achieving a small measure of humility by her definition. I make a reasonable attempt to live my life with humility and make note each time I fall short. In order to continue to show up each day with a commitment to be humble, I have learned that I need a fair dose of humor. If I cannot laugh at my shortcomings than who can?  

 

In my case, the study of mysticism has also facilitated the unearthing of greater humility. By its very nature, mysticism is seeded in the belief that life is a mystery.  It is peering into the unknown and admitting that so much remains undefined.  I understand what I believe to be true at this juncture in my life, but am well aware that this may change given time and knowledge.  Humility is embracing the understanding that I may in fact be wrong. This is difficult for anyone to admit, not just in a spiritual sense.

 

Just as with my walking and speech foibles, we all stumble along in life trying our very best to be better, to grow. It is important to lean into this discomfort with a lens of gentle humor, not harsh sarcasm or judgment. Be gentle with yourself, laugh with others when they stumble, find the joy not only in the successes but also in the failures. In this way we learn to be more forgiving of ourselves and ultimately embrace humility more often with a chuckle and a grin.

 

May All Be Beautiful All Around Me

May All Be Beautiful All Around Me

Speak For Me

Watch over me.

Hold your hand before me in protection.

Stand guard for me, speak in defense of me.

As I speak for you, speak for me.

As you speak for me, so I will speak for you.

May all be beautiful before me.

May all be beautiful behind me.

May all be beautiful below me.

May all be beautiful above me.

May all be beautiful all around me.

I am restored in beauty.

Navajo Shootingway ceremony prayer (20th century), USA

 

I was having one of those days, you know the kind.  I woke up to an onslaught of texts from family, my gym friends were especially chatty, I dropped just about everything that I picked up, I ran into my pantry door bruising my head and my hair dryer sparked and shot electricity at me all before 8 am. This was on the heels of an earlier day filled with unusual workload and an evening filled with a multitude of texts and phone calls resulting in less sleep. Those who know me well are aware that if I answer a phone call, the caller must certainly hold a special place in my heart. I have been known to let my phone go to voicemail on more than one occasion. Sometimes, I just need the sound of silence and on this particular day was ready to throw in the towel, head for the hills and take a vow of silence by hiding from the world.

 

Thankfully with time and life experience,  I have finally begun to recognize the universal signal for “STOP”. In this instance I knew that I had been working too much, burning the candle at both ends and allowing my mind to run the show by analyzing everyone and everything. All of my stumbling and misfortune that morning was a sign telling me, “Lavinia, slow down and breathe.” When this happens I will often look up and say “Okay! I get the memo”, in a exclamation of resignation for what I already know to be true.

 

No one is meant to be over burdened with things to the point of collapse. Yes, work ethic is a good character trait as is the willingness to cope well with a certain degree of stress. But, busyness for busyness sake is not commendable and certainly does not denote enviable character in my book.  Excessive busyness is white noise that acts as a distraction from the things in life that are more deserving of our time, energy and talents.

 

In moments such as these, The Navajo prayer is one that I often read, relishing its peaceful energy and remembering what matters most in the grander scheme of things.  The idea that we are all protected by a Divine power, walking with us when our world feels as if it is imploding, is comforting. Everyone craves protection, security and the experience of being deeply loved. These are all universal desires. When circumstance makes a person feel less than safe or even unloved, this prayer gently reminds that we are all walking this journey with support. We are never alone.

 

I personally find peace in the second paragraph. Finding beauty in even the smallest of things can be difficult when experiencing a series of “unfortunate events” that leaves one feeling shaken. By stopping for a moment, breathing deeply and reminding myself of the beauty of this moment and this life, I can let go of the agitation and unrest of present circumstance with a knowing that everything is well, I am well.

 

Take a few moments, sit on the park bench, read a book in the grass, hug someone a little longer, smell the spring flowers, walk in the rain or sit quietly with another feeling their energy and loving spirit.  Do not consider this time wasted, it is nothing of the sort. Gently repeat, “May all be beautiful all around me. I am restored in beauty” and know that you are loved and life is beautiful, always.

 

Finding Focus

Finding Focus

About twenty years ago, while living in Salt Lake City, I came across a stone that is still with me to this day. It is a smoothly shaped stone that can be held in the palm of my hand with a beautiful butterfly etched on one side. I have spent many a day rubbing this stone between my fingers, thinking through situations and seeking resolutions.  It is my personal “thinking” stone that helps me calm all of the noise in my brain during times of uncertainty.  

 

The stone currently lives in my car and I pick it up often while driving.  The quiet of the road and requisite stillness is fertile ground for contemplation.  I actually enjoy this time; the repetitiveness of rubbing the stone along with the sound of the road is oddly relaxing. After taking a few minutes to “zen-out” I always feel a bit more focused and sure of myself.

 

 

While dancing, I replicated this focus by taking daily class. When dancing, the mind cannot wander and full attention to the movement is required.  An example of this not going as planned was when I broke my foot simply by thinking of my to do list while in the middle of petit allegro. A mistake such as this caused me months of training and much discomfort, a very good but painful lesson on the importance of focus.

 

“Sometimes I think there are only two instructions we need to follow to develop and deepen our spiritual life: slow down and let go.”

― Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Dance: Moving To the Rhythms of Your True Self

 

I believe that a relaxed state of focus can only be achieved by slowing down the pace of each day whenever possible. Zen Buddhist and advocate of slowness, Haemin Sunim, was recently interviewed on NPR about this very topic. He spoke to the point that the best mechanism for happiness and clarity is to slow down the brain. Easier said than done in our busyness culture of today. He has also written a book titled “The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down” about this very topic that I highly recommend.

 

I continue to have an ongoing fascination with the culture of busy versus the idea of slowing down, never really understanding the need it now mentality. Mental clarity cannot be achieved by multitasking nor is this a worthy goal.  Mental clarity can only be achieved with focus. As a woman that has worked my whole adult life while raising children, I am well aware of the pitfalls of multitasking, never really giving any one thing complete attention. In this way I was becoming a jack of all trades but a master of none.

 

“mind that is fast is sick, a mind that is slow is sound, and a mind that is still is divine. This is what the Bible means when it says, “Be still and know that I am God.”

― Eknath Easwaran, The Mantram Handbook

 

Another leader in the slow living community is Eknath Easwaran.  I simply adore his writing. I wrote a post about one of his books Love Never Faileth that I cherish and still reach for at times when I am feeling a little out of sorts. Words can have the same affect as my thinking stone, calming the mind and slowing down the freeway of thoughts that plague me when taking on too much.

 

The question that lingers for me is the “why”. Why do we insist on moving about the world at breakneck speed? What are we afraid of missing? Did it ever occur to anyone that simply by moving at this pace, we are missing the point of a meaningful life? These questions haunt me. I sometimes get the urge to just throw my hands up and say “NO”, I will not move at this pace to meet an end that has no merit in the grander scheme of things.

 

When was the last time you stopped to talk with someone in line at the store, or start a conversation with a neighborhood or gym companion?  We are all walking this planet together and are interconnected in ways that may not be visible in our rush to achieve, acquire and succeed. I challenge you to take some time and explore slowness. Sit quietly with a loved one, read a book, walk in nature with no agenda or time limitation. Allow your mind to unravel the knots of expectations and just be. In doing so, you may actually see things in a new light and the answers you seek may come to you effortlessly. Live slow and let go.

 

Prayer as a Practice

Prayer as a Practice

 

I have always prayed.  As a young girl I remember very clearly having an internal dialogue with my guardian angels. I spoke to them often and asked for their guidance and intervention on numerous occasions. I also recall saying the Lord’s Pray anytime that I was frightened, which was quite often given the house I grew up in and my natural proclivity to be anxious and fearful. In addition, prayer was an open point of discussion in my childhood home and nothing outside of the realm of usual family activities.  

 

As happens in so many family stories, I stretched my independence muscles a little too vigorously and found myself out on my own at twenty with my newborn daughter. My husband had no formal practice for prayer and often teased me about this seamless connection I had developed between this world and the next.  I spoke much differently than he did about angels and the sharing of energy which only deepened the divide between us.  Being young and ignorant to the feminine power that I had, I became submissive on this topic and stopped openly practicing what I knew to be true. Regardless, that rich inner dialogue that had been developed in my childhood could not be silenced and I continually prayed and asked for guidance for the many challenges that faced me.

 

As the years passed and I was blessed with another beautiful child, I decided to lay the foundation by speaking openly with my children about their guardian angels and the importance of energy. Rarely did I ever take them to church, but if asked they will tell you they always knew me to be a spiritual person. I was well aware of my responsibility for the children’s spiritual growth but choose to impart it in my own unique way much to the chagrin of my parents. Reflecting back, I believe this period of time to be my first foray into mysticism and all that it means to be constantly questioning and developing a personal relationship with spirit. I did not know that was where I was ultimately headed; I only knew that it felt right.

 

Morning Prayer of the Optina Elders

O Lord, grant that I may meet all that this coming day brings to me with spiritual tranquility. Grant that I may fully surrender myself to Thy holy Will.

At every hour of this day, direct and support me in all things. Whatsoever news may reach me in the course of the day, teach me to accept it with a calm soul and the firm conviction that all is subject to Thy holy Will.

Direct my thoughts and feelings in all my words and actions. In all unexpected occurrences, do not let me forget that all is sent down from Thee.

Grant that I may deal straightforwardly and wisely with every member of my family, neither embarrassing nor saddening anyone.

O Lord, grant me the strength to endure the fatigue of the coming day and all the events that take place during it. Direct my will and teach me to pray, to believe, to hope, to be patient, to forgive, and to love.

Amen.

 

During some of my most difficult years of transformation, my father sent me a prayer as he often did to soothe me. This particular prayer, the Morning Prayer of the Optina Elders, can still be found on my refrigerator door. When moving around my kitchen, my eyes typically fall on these two phrases, “Direct my thoughts and feelings in all my words and actions. In all unexpected occurrences, do not let me forget that all is sent down from Thee. Grant that I may deal straightforwardly and wisely with every member of my family, neither embarrassing nor saddening anyone.” What powerful words to read many times over and internalize.

 

When faced with difficulties it becomes so easy to only think of self rather than those around us.  Our thoughts exist in a constant loop of analysis and those surrounding us can get lost in the noise.  Belief that all is sent down by a higher power, whether you profess to this or not, is a comfort when the world feels very much out of control. I also pause each time I read the last few words, “neither embarrassing nor saddening anyone”, so hard to do when feeling wronged.  It is much easier to think angry thoughts about those that have chosen to be hurtful without any consideration. It is only natural to want to defend self, but does this have to mean saddening another? 

 

It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one’s life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than ‘try to be a little kinder.’

-Aldous Huxley

 

I continue to study this prayer each time my eyes find it among the other refrigerator decor. I linger just a bit longer and try to read each word with new eyes. Reading is often followed by a sigh of recognition and a promise to begin anew, no matter what is troubling me, a prayer for the ages and one that I will continue to cherish for many years to come.

 

The Interplay of the Lotus Flower and Water

The Interplay of the Lotus Flower and Water

 

I have written about my name before and have spent much time coming to terms with the uniqueness and self imposed expectations of such a name.  My parents have always reminded me that Lavinia means “pure of heart” and I continually marvel at how connected to this definition I have become, given the many difficult life experiences wearing on me. It is a paradoxical feeling and one that continues to confound me.

 

As one that has always held a mystical sensibility in my heart, I have stumbled through life at times unsure of what it all means. The fabric of my life story has set the scene in every way for this apparent uncertainty; my parents with their insatiable interest in religious practice both mainstream and otherwise, my shyness coupled with a deep feeling of connection to things outside of myself, my early foray into an intimate relationship before I knew what it meant to give my heart to another, raising my children as a young woman myself, experiencing betrayal that left me broken in every way and finally discovering the path towards my true self and healing. All along I have held the belief that I am meant for something that I cannot yet define or describe in any meaningful way.

 

“The business and method of mysticism is love.”

Evelyn Underhill

 

In my dreams and deepest of thoughts, water has consistently made an appearance as a metaphor for my life. Constantly ebbing and flowing, sometimes gentle and sometimes rough, water being the epitome of a lifelong spiritual journey holding many secrets below the surface. Similarly, the lotus flower with its delicate and independent beauty strikes me as a physical manifestation of the possibilities along the way. The flower floats quietly on the water alone and unconstrained yet under the current is bound by a complex system of roots secured in the muddy dirt below. The flower blooms each day facing the sun in beautiful repose, yet must shrink back into the depths of the water at night and into the darkness. The contrast of moving back and forth between the darkness and the light is symbolic of a well examined life in a multitude of ways.

 

I mule over this relationship of the flower to the water quite often and cannot help but see myself in this coupling.  Referencing my name and as one that feels the purity of the human spirit very deeply, I have struggled just as the flower does each and every day to find the right way to experience the light while not allowing the darkness to become overwhelming. Water, as an agent of enduring love, supports me on this journey but does not change the system in which I exist. Rather, water is the companion that remains with me, side by side as I struggle with all that it means to live a meaningful and full life. The flower could not exist without the water and I am nothing without my connection to spirit and all that remains pure in my heart.

 

“Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable; what it is or what it means can never be said.”

–  George Santayana   

 

This analogy demonstrates beautifully that while everyone has darkness, muddy roots and entanglements, we each have the opportunity to bloom towards the light no matter the circumstance.  This blooming does not have to be abrupt, loud or imposing.  It can be subtle, gentle and unobtrusive yet elegant in completion.  I don’t have to make huge waves in my life trying to live up to my name, I can be happy with small victories that at times are only visible to myself. Isn’t that the way life is? No one truly ever knows another’s struggles, battles or victories unless we choose to share them.  We are all lotus flowers floating on the pond of life, entangled and held by our life stories yet we find ways to share our gifts with the world blooming each in our own unique and beautiful way.  

Home is Where the Heart Is

Home is Where the Heart Is

 

 

The real voyage of discovery consists not in

seeking new landscapes but in having new

eyes.

—Marcel Proust

 

Restlessness is like an itch that can’t be scratched.  I have felt the intensity of this irritation many times in my life.  Usually it is expressed as a deep desire to run, change scenery, job and relationships. I naturally have a gypsy spirit and thrive on the challenge of metamorphosis, strange given my intense dislike of change. Ask anyone and they will tell you I am a true homebody. I like nothing more than a long relaxing day nesting in my own space and this apparent contradiction describes me in a nutshell. I waffle between two separate ends of a spectrum and quite literally live in the gray.

 

Over time, I have come to understand that it is not the geographic location in which I live, or the roof over my head that creates a stabilizing force.  It is the people, my family and loved ones that fill whatever space I inhabit with loving intention. As such, I have become especially adept at creating a loving “home” wherever I may be. I have owned homes, rented, lived with family, just about every living situation possible.  In each space I have inhabited, I do not ever recall a desire for anything beyond a warm blanket, food, and my loved ones to put my arms around. My ability to create a welcoming environment in a multitude of spaces has served me well. In addition, having been married for many years to an individual that was constantly on the run, craving new places in order to resolve old conflicts, I have found peace in remaining still for the moment.

 

Sea Fever

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,

And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,

And the wheel’s kick and the wind’s song and the white sail’s shaking,

And a gray mist on the sea’s face, and a gray dawn breaking.

 

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide

Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;

And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,

And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

 

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,

To the gull’s way and the whale’s way, where the wind’s like a whetted knife;

And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,

And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick’s over.

—John Masefield

 

Being well into midlife, my heart’s longing for adventure has settled a bit as I have discovered new ways to explore life without seeking drastic change.  I have learned that I can act as a home base for others as they continue to explore the world, intrepid travelers they may be. The world may be swirling around them with so many unknowns, but the awareness that I am there as a constant can act as a reassuring and stabilizing force.

 

So how does one quench a constant thirst for adventure?  A restless spirit never goes away, it is just quieted by life’s demands.  My way of addressing this has been to focus this energy on topics that I am passionate about. I find satisfaction in guiding the next generation in my vocation. I feel resounding joy welcoming in my children’s extended circle of friends and I read voraciously, digesting new ideas and world views. All of these vehicles for exploration are representative of my restless spirit living and thriving out in the world.  

 

“A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart.”

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

Everything I am searching for is within me and going on the journey of 1000 miles will do nothing for my growth when the ultimate adventure resides within. Maybe the challenge in life is to learn to see the opportunities for growth right under our nose, often the most difficult to recognize as they are far too familiar to draw attention.  In this instance, moving becomes a distraction, a temporary change of scenery that does not address any core issues. If I am lonely, sad or have lost my passion in life, it is a good possibility that I will still feel all these same emotions upon relocation.  You see, it is not place that creates stability, it is self. For all the same reasons I was able to create a home wherever my heart was, I would not find the answers I am seeking simply by a change in scenery.

 

Understand that restlessness is an energy that can be directed in many ways. Try to resist the urge to run and look for more creative opportunities in your own backyard. A restless heart is a explorative and expansive heart. Engage your restless heart in the here and now rather than on future possibilities that may or may not come to past. Feed your spirit with circumstances that engage you completely: mind, body and soul. Finally, continue to allow your heart to speak no matter the location in which you reside.

 

We All Have Hard Days

We All Have Hard Days

 

 

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

—William Ernest Henley

 

I am a strong person, this I know.  My hardships are nothing in comparison to others who have walked a much more challenging path.  I know this and am incredibly thankful for everything in my life.  I manage to be cheerful and optimistic most of the time but every sunny day has to be balanced by some darkness in order to fully appreciate the light when it once again returns. Everything is in the balance.

My darker days are the ones in which I question why I have been given the burdens that I have.  I see others that can pick up and travel at a moments notice, stay up all night until the sun comes out and see the sunrise with sleepy eyes.  I see families spending the day at the park and chasing children in the grass, running with total abandon.  I question why I married someone that didn’t love me and why I stayed for so long. I think about the oddity of my personality, one that is a loner in every sense of the word yet enjoys and needs people. I ruminate over my nutritional and physical needs in comparison to others who have such a laissez–faire attitude about the same. I ponder these things inevitably sinking into the “woe is me” mentality.  For someone as optimistic as myself, this is foreign territory and quite frankly, it scares me every time I find myself in this position.

On days like these I often read the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley and find solace in the story of perseverance and strength. I specifically read over and over the passage that states, “It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul”. I am reminded that I am in control of how I view my circumstance.  I can choose to view it through a lens of disadvantage, hardship and illness or I can choose to view it through a lens of joy, beauty and love.  The choice has been and will always be mine. When in the throes of a MS relapse, being so fatigued I can hardly get out of bed, I can view this hardship as an opportunity.  Severe fatigue allows for a greater appreciation of rest.  I value the time I spend talking with my loved ones while I rest on the couch, reading a book that had been set aside or simply sitting with someone without distraction.  In this sense, restful periods can be received as a gift.

 

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing frighten you,

All things are passing away:

God never changes.

Patience obtains all things

Whoever has God lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.

           

— St. Teresa of Avila

 

It is absolutely true that we all have periods of distress and self-doubt.  If someone appears perennially optimistic, I wonder what lies beneath.  Yes, I cry tears of frustration and sadness and I also have times of anger when I shout to the heavens, “Why me?!”.  Admittedly these times often happen in the privacy of my room, usually in the shower so that those I care about are not alarmed by my outburst.  That being said, it is a grave disservice to others who may be struggling to pretend that I do not feel darkness.

 
In my case, I choose to release the emotions that are too heavy for me to bear, regroup and move forward.  I rely on my support network when I am not able to support myself and I pray.  I pray for strength, guidance and for angels to walk with me if this is indeed the path that has been laid out before me. I accept what I cannot change, albeit begrudgingly, and look to what is joyful in my life. As in Invictus, I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul and knowing this lifts me up when I feel down. Find your Invictus and let it’s words be your support. We all need a little help once in awhile.

Self Portrait

Self Portrait

 

Self Portrait

It doesn’t interest me if there is one God or many gods.

I want to know if you belong or feel abandoned.

If you know despair or can see it in others.

I want to know if you are prepared to live in the world with its harsh need to change you. If you can look back with firm eyes saying this is where I stand.

 

I want to know if you know how to melt into that fierce heat of living falling toward the center of your longing.

I want to know if you are willing to live, day by day, with the consequence of love and the bitter unwanted passion of sure defeat.

I have been told, in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of God.

-David Whyte

 

Self Portrait is a powerful poem touching on what it takes to really know another, soul to soul without the restriction of identity.  I have recently grown weary of the incessant need of our society to label all things in an effort to force stereotypical roles on one another. I suspect this comes from an aversion to the unknown and a fear of facing a blank sheet of paper. As spiritual beings we tend to shy away from the discomfort of undefined relationships  as they can be too transparent and revealing for our comfort. This does not leave much room for developing intimate relationships and even less room for escaping the labels placed upon us.

 

Interestingly,  I differ greatly in this way.  I freely choose to dive into the depths of the unknown without a glossary of definitions to support me in the venture.  I care very little about the labels others use to navigate the world, but what I do care about is who others are and how their souls speak to the world. You see, everyone is speaking even if we choose not to listen. They speak silently with both actions and convictions, putting all true intentions on full display. It takes just a bit of attention to view these flashes of self and even more attention to scratch the surface of knowing this other.

 

“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

St John of the Cross

         

It deeply saddens me when a false identity is worn in the hopes of fitting in. What if instead of trying so intently to hide the peculiarities that are beautiful within each of us, we let them shine and explored these differences with enthusiasm?  What if we stopped placing false expectations on others or encapsulating them into a peer group or ideology for our own benefit? What if we choose to simply love each other regardless of identity?

 

David Whyte states so beautifully “I want to know if you know how to melt into that fierce heat of living falling toward the center of your longing. I want to know if you are willing to live, day by day, with the consequence of love and the bitter unwanted passion of sure defeat.” Hearing this statement, It is clear that what I write about and who I strive to be is leading me towards a personal path of “falling toward the center of my longing”.  I wish to dive in, love openly, feel deeply and suffer defeat only to get up and try again over and over. I wish to continue to do this for as long as it takes to reach the gates of my true self. To throw open the doors and let my soul sing.

 

Living is only self-evident if we are free to express the parts of ourselves that do not fit into boxes with perfect corners and gentle edges.  Rather, living is a messy reality with irregular corners and rough edges. Living is feeling the fire of uncertainty and choosing to move forward even when getting burned. Living is looking beyond the landscape of definitions into uncharted territories, unafraid of what is unknown. Living is believing that today is just today and nothing beyond this moment is promised. Finally, living is moving about the world completely turned inside out, exposed and raw.  Rawness that leaves the bearer tender from the touch of deeply emotional interactions. Living is the only option for a soul that wishes to feel everything and learn as much as it can before leaving this place. Live without the pretense of others labels, do not take ownership of what is not meant for you. Live and feel alive.