“There is a time in our lives, usually in mid-life, when a woman has to make a decision – possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life – and that is, whether to be bitter or not. Women often come to this in their late thirties or early forties. They are at the point where they are full up to their ears with everything and they’ve “had it” and “the last straw has broken the camel’s back” and they’re “pissed off and pooped out.” Their dreams of their twenties may be lying in a crumple. There may be broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés,
As one might expect, I have been especially reflective given the New Year. During my morning walk I began a life review of sorts, testing for what might require some editing. Looking toward the mountain sunrise for inspiration, I heard the same words repeated over and over…”just keep writing.” Feeling the heartfelt importance of this statement, I sensed once again the wild woman within calling to me. The wild that I have spent much of my life concealing, the wild I was born with and can no longer contain and the wild that is no longer a whimper but a deafening roar.
Always a bit out of step with all those around me, I do see a change looming on the horizon. Our world has become increasingly uncomfortable with a deep, meaningful and soulful connection to the Divine, making it exceedingly difficult to ignore this roar any longer. The only possible choice is to honor this emerging voice by silencing the critiques and releasing this beautiful part of myself. The obstacles are many: rigid religious practice, family, stress from a overtaxing work environment, social expectations, political unrest, etc. I am completely drained from the constant push and pull of head versus heart. The need to express this part of myself is so intense it burns with a hot and untamed energy. One cannot neglect the wild within without suffering serious consequences of the soul.
“A starved soul can become so filled with pain, a woman can no longer bear it. Because women have a soul-need to express themselves in their own soulful ways, they must develop and blossom in ways that are sensible to them and without molestation from others.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés
It no longer matters who reads my words, or what others think. I have known for many years that I have an important voice and setting it free is the only option. Whatever shape this transformation takes, I am ready to move. No matter the discomfort of this evolution, I will persist. Something greater than myself beckons and I haven’t the strength to deny this other regardless of repercussions.
“Go out in the woods, go out. If you don’t go out in the woods nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés,
As I tiptoe into the woods of transformation, I listen for guidance and call upon those who have walked this path before me. The fear inside is not match for the veracity of the call and I am at its mercy… finally. An easy breeze crosses my face as I feel the morning heat, my natural sanctuary. I gladly hear the whisper of spirit, intuition and grace. With a knowing smile, I can finally aim to embrace this uncertainty with a full heart. The time to roar is upon me.