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Dragons and Princesses: Living, Loving and Learning the Mystery

Dragons and Princesses: Living, Loving and Learning the Mystery

dragon-and-the-princess-coloring-page

Be patient to all that is unsolved in your heart and try to

Love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books

that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the

answers, which cannot be given you because you would not

be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without

noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

Resolve to be always beginning – to be a beginner

-Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Writing this on the cusp of the full moon and with so much change chasing me down, I find solace in the opening sentence of the above poem by Rainer Maria Rilke. “Be patient to all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves…”  I have so many questions, many more than I thought possible at my age.  I wrongly assumed that nearing the fifth decade of life I would have acquired wisdom and be in the honorary position of teacher, imparting what I have learned to others. I could not have been more wrong. The older I get, the more I begin to understand that I really know nothing at all.  

 

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence,something helpless that wants our love.”

-Rainer Maria Rilke

 

I have illusions and opinions, as one will accumulate, the metaphorical “dragon” that Rilke speaks to above. These dragons are constantly tested in uncomfortable and unforgiving ways. I continue to hope that they will in fact become “princesses” and blossom into some incredible insight and knowing. I try to live my life with as much courage as I can muster egging on this transformation. Yet, it still eludes me.  At times it is as if I am beginning anew each day, as a child, unsure of everything and reframing all things that I encounter in an attempt to make sense of it all in some small way. It is a frightening feeling, but I inherently understand a necessary one for my spiritual growth.

 

“Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror

Just keep going

No feeling is final”

-Rainer Maria Rilke

 

This does not mean that I happen upon this journey with good nature and delight.  On the contrary, during times of intense challenge, change and discomfort, I develop a deep desire to flee. To run from all that troubles me, hiding in plain site from any transformative opportunities.  I begrudgingly curse the Divine for forcing this difficult path on me when others seem to have it so easy. The “why me?” voice in my mind can be loud, shouting for attention. I have learned that I must actively ignore this voice even if I still hear it in the distance. It is a voice born from fear of the unknown, my own personal dragon. Ignoring this voice is clearly a choice and one that I make moment to moment when caught up in the weeds of transformation.

I have taken to challenging my inner dialogue with a few statements of my own creation, among them  “be brave” and “my heart is open”.   I have even told myself over and over “I am loving and lovable”. For some reason this helps me see all things from the lens of love rather than anger or fear, even those instance in which I bring something upon myself knowing full well that I should not. Forgiveness of self is one of the most difficult pills to swallow.

 

Instead of standing on the shore and proving to ourselves

that the ocean cannot carry us, let us venture on its waters

just to see.

—Teilhard de Chardin

 

One thing I do believe to be true is that we must choose to show up each day, living the questions with no answers promised. Maybe the true measure of a life well lived is simply the commitment to approach each day with joy and curiosity.  To live fully without understanding the deeper truths and letting that be enough.  It is a difficult reality to embrace when the winds of change beckon again and again.  As Teilhard de Chardin says so well, “…let us venture on its water just to see.” I wish to “see” what today, tomorrow and everyday thereafter will bring, no matter the consequence.

 

Myths about Mysticism

Myths about Mysticism

knowledge

Having an interest in mysticism can be isolating in that people shy away from discussions of deeper truths simply because it can be uncomfortable and revealing.  I hold my tongue more than speak my truth, the exception being this blog in which I have created a space to lay my opinions bare. It acts as a safe space to explore ideas that when spoken create so much misunderstanding. The few times in which I have mentioned my study of mysticism to an acquaintance, I have received the most amusing replies. I have heard my ideas are strange, new age like, evil, magical, you name it, I have heard it.  

The true mystic is always both humble and compassionate, for she knows that she does not know.

Richard Rohr

 

It is important to reiterate that a true student of mysticism understands that they really do not know what they think they do. I do not believe one has to be a student of mysticism to come to this understanding, age and wisdom will bring many to this point naturally.  It can be alarming to become aware of this, especially after the hubris of the 20’s, 30’s and early 40’s when one can do no wrong. It is a humbling experience to be sure. With that being said, I give you my myths of mysticism.

All people who study mysticism are religious

This is a hard myth to bust. I myself am a waned churchgoer.  Some will say that without a practice rooted in religion, mystics can go astray. I do think a foundation of practice is a good stepping stone allowing for some perspective and framework. Then again, mysticism is defined as a personal relationship with God achieved by experiences. Sure, some will use different vocabulary: God, the Other, the Divine, something greater than oneself…. all of these speak to me on some level. That being said, I do not consider myself particularly religious, I consider myself spiritual (as my Catholic and Orthodox family omits an audible Gasp!). It does not matter to me how I am labeled. The labels are for others, not for me.

Mysticism makes people rigid or conservative

This makes me laugh. If you know my son, you know that he is the living breathing version of the DeadPool character. He calls himself a lovable asshole and I think this description rings true most of the time. If you ask him where he gets his wit and sarcasm, he always points to me. Granted, I clean up well. Out in the world and when meeting people I am polite, business like and well mannered. At home, my family gets to hear all of my opinions and sharp retorts and we have a lot of fun verbally sparring. I also love to make people laugh and usually at my own expense. What is this life if not humorous?

 

I am weird, you are weird. Everyone in this world is weird. One day two people come together in mutual weirdness and fall in love.

~ Dr. Seuss

 

Mystics are weird

Who isn’t?  We are all a tad bit weird in our own way. Define weird and maybe we can talk. The very nature of mysticism is to accept others with love regardless of how they are showing up in the world. If that is weird or out of the box, I am very disappointed in where we have come as a society. I believe weird is often used interchangeably with being misunderstood.  If a person is living a life that is different, they are labeled as weird. If that is the only reason people may say that I am weird, so be it.

Mysticism is dark magic

Put down the Harry Potter book and walk away…. This one is so far off base that it does not even justify a response. It again boils down to labeling things that are different and “scary” in an effort to make sense of them.  The sad thing is that most people I know who have an interest in mysticism are the sweetest, most generous and loving souls.  They certainly believe in a soul and the power of a connection with a greater energy. If that is dark magic…sign me up.

 

“The business and method of mysticism is love.”

Evelyn Underhill

 

Mystics are self-absorbed egocentric people

As Evelyn Underhill states, mystics are in the business of love.  This is not only love of self but of all others. If you come across one that is self-centered, they are not paying attention. Loving others as they are, without judgment, is one of the most valuable lessons I have learned from this journey.  We all have preconceived notions of how others should act and be present in the world. Maybe these are not purposeful notions, but inherited. I have worked hard on letting false ideas go. Loving without condition is one of the greatest challenges in life and mysticism does nothing but assist with this goal.

Mysticism is a science or philosophy not a spiritual practice

Enough already with the need to label every darn thing.  Yes, there is a scientific layer to aspects of the universe as an expanding arena of possibilities.  Similarly, philosophical exploration is definitely found along the path of the mystic.  Why the need to put in a box that which can never be fully understood?  Is it really that scary to admit that we do not know what we think we do?  This statement comes from a place of ego and is not one that I give any credence to.

 

“It has taken me quite a few years to realize the fact that most of the thoughts in my head are not necessary.”

Bert McCoy

 

Mysticism is an ancient practice

This myth is actually true. Mystics have been exploring the deeper questions for thousands of years. The commitment to this exploration demonstrates that the answers we are seeking may never be found but are well worth the effort.  It is in the journey that mystics mature, learning from experience and trying to become better each day.

For all of these reason and more, I find myself enthralled by mysticism. It grants permission to continually ask of myself the who, what and why of existence. These are the eternal questions that have piqued peoples interest and puzzled for thousands of years. By doing so, I uncover more layers of self and hopefully become a better person for it.  It is indeed fascinating work.  

 

Wading into the Deep

Wading into the Deep

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As a child did you ever tentatively wade into the deep end of the pool, slowly and with great hesitation? I remember looking down past the buoys towards the drain and thinking that it might as well have been the deep end of the ocean.  It looked so mysterious and scary, I was not even sure I wanted to tread water above it. One never knows what lingers in depths unknown.  As I grew and conquered my fear of swimming in deep waters I became braver and even began to dive into the depths, reaching for the drain in an attempt to claim the eerie space for my own.  In the deep end it was silent, heavy and intense, beautiful in an unearthly way.

 

Mysticism is, in essence, little more than a certain intensity and depth of feeling in regard to what is believed about the universe.    

Bertrand Russell

 

As a woman, I have come to understand that I naturally move between the metaphorical shallow and deep end of the pool. I am most comfortable swimming in the deep. There is an unwitting intensity to me that I am a sure make some uncomfortable at times.  I can come up for air and move freely in the shallows with others, being social and talking about popular culture. I can make it so that others have no idea that the shallows are unfulfilling to my sensibilities. I can “fit in” with those that have no interest in digging deeper, making small talk like a pro.  The truth is that I have a constant longing for the deep end of the pool.  I need to feel the enticement of wading into the unknown where I can challenge everything that I have ever known.

 

No matter how much we try to run away from this thirst for the answer to life, for the meaning of life, the intensity only gets stronger and stronger. We cannot escape these spiritual hungers.

Ravi Zacharias

 

The trouble being I can get lost in the deep end.  I feel everything so intensely that I can become over sensitized and acutely aware of everything that is happening around me.  In this state I am laser focused on whatever it is that I am contemplating. Time stops and my concentration is intently pointed on one thing. I often have to stop everything and write, just to get out of my head. Upon waking up in the middle of the night, lying in bed mulling over some deep philosophical point, I will voice note my thoughts to revisit in the morning just so that I can sleep restfully.  The deep end of the pool can be deceptively turbulent depending on what I am examining.  If it happens to be myself, things can get wild.  I am introspective and evaluate just about every thought I have and action I make.  This constant evaluation is how I understand human nature so deeply, it begins with me. It can be painful to look at oneself in a critical light hence the reason that so many choose to stay in the shallows. Everything is safe and awesome there.

 

“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense. ”

Eve Ensler

 

The challenge for me becomes joining others in the shallows once in awhile.  I simply do not want to most of the time. I prefer to be alone or in the company of a small group of people that enjoy intimate conversation. I understand that we are all only given so much time on this earth and I would rather spend it questioning and discovering. This is not always a good thing, everyone needs a break.  My kids are very good at pulling me out into the shallows, by watching a television show, doing something spontaneous (gasp) or just laughing and dancing around.  Once there, I enjoy myself and feel a release of intense energy that I carry with me most of the time.  Balance is so important for perspective, especially for someone such as myself. Even with all of this, I ultimately find myself longing for the deep once again and move in that direction whenever possible. Wading into the deep is what calls to me more than anything and I answer by diving into its depths over and over again.

 

Seeing Self in Another with Love

Seeing Self in Another with Love

love-grows-by-practice

As one that is constantly thinking deeply about life, I too can get lost in the process and miss the simplicity of it all. All roads inevitably lead back to the same point, and regardless of which one you travel it will hopefully end in a place of love and connection. Loving another and sharing ourselves with those around us is truly living fully and with heart.

 

“The business and method of mysticism is love.”

Evelyn Underhill

 

One of the things that I have come to understand is fully loving another is to first believe they are enough just as they are.  Easier said than done. It is impossible to give completely to another without loving self and all parts that create a unique individual. By the same token, love requires one to recognize that the other is enough just as they are, flaws and all. It is a beautiful thing to love not in spite of flaws but because of them.  

The only time I have felt this type of love fully is with my children. I have loved them unconditionally from the moment they were born.  It is wonderful and terrifying to feel deep love. I see them as they are, not as I wish they could be, and still choose to love them completely.  It is a total surrender to the possibility of vulnerability, hurt and pain. The truth being that we as humans will inevitably hurt each other. This hurt is never more raw than when it is administered by someone that has been afforded complete trust and support. For me, trust is not given lightly, and the fact that my children broke down my walls simply by being born was like skydiving without a parachute.

 

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

Lao Tzu

 

Conversely, in my marriage I found a person that did not see themselves as enough.  Without the ability to meet me halfway it was not a healthy union. It has been an invaluable lesson for me moving forward.  I can only meet a partner in the middle by believing that I am worthy of love.  If I totally accept myself, as I am and not how I wish to be, I am able to open my heart completely.  If my partner is not willing or able to travel to this point the relationship will fail.  One cannot do the work for another. It is a painful process to watch unfold. As one that likes to help people in anyway I can, I have to resist this with every bit of willpower I have.  I only have two volumes where love is concerned, zero and one hundred.  If I decide to commit myself to a person, it can be excruciating to go through a separation of souls during the breakdown of the relationship. As odd as it sounds, this may not be a show of poor judgment.  Wouldn’t we all be a bit more true to ourselves in choosing love over indifference?  What if we all decided to put away our checklist and idea of who is worthy and took the chance to open our hearts completely without hesitation? I for one have made the decision to live this way as much as possible. Will I get hurt? Yes, I will. I know I am strong, and I have the wounds to show it. Hurt is a byproduct of risk and I am now willing to take risks that I would not have a decade ago.

 

“I will soothe you and heal you,

I will bring you roses.

I too have been covered with thorns.”

-Rumi

 

Taking a leap of faith does not mean letting another treat me as less than enough.  If I approve of myself, I will never again sit frozen in a relationship that is not based on love.  I will know that I must move on and do so quickly. It is really that simple.  Looking deeply into another’s heart is always a mystery and a fascinating one. People are so complex and “seeing someone” in a spiritual sense is a type of connection that is unparalleled. I have no interest in casual relationships; I am truly a person of depth. This can be very intimidating to those who do not wish to share their true selves but rather continue along in this world wearing a mask. I do not wish to know the mask; it is of no importance to me. I wish to know the true person in their entirety.  This is also where the risk lies.  By peering intently into someone’s true self, I can become mesmerized in the discovery.  I find it so intriguing viewing how others navigate this world and if not careful will step too far into the pools of the other thereby losing myself. I make an effort to be a voyeur now, observing but not attaching when meeting new people. Again, they must meet me halfway if they wish to engage in deeper connection.  It cannot only be me.

 

Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.

Mother Teresa

 

I am thankful for my children for having opened up my heart in a way that would not have been possible any other way. They stretched my ability to be vulnerable and continue to do so.  Each time I choose love over anger, It is a learning moment and training for the soul. I find myself having an internal dialogue in those moments cheering me on, urging me to try and see the issue at hand from their perspective. Is that not the hallmark of a healthy relationship? Similarly, partners should encourage each other to be better, while at the same time completely accepting one another as enough.  It really is that simple.

 

Patience or hypomone

Patience or hypomone

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Our world is all about instant gratification. Whether in careers, relationships or spiritual development, the need it now mentality has permeated our very being as well as the relationships we have with one another. Information is literally at our fingertips. We have the ability to reach out and communicate with loved ones in an instant, access to a never-ending news cycle and social media to dictate our relationship cadences.  All together it equals a rushed and forced reality. Slowing down is not even on the radar.  To function in this environment, constant streams of disconnected thoughts zoom around in our brains.  It is akin to a ramble that never ends or rush hour traffic on a Friday afternoon. Unsettling for even the most balanced and mindful and downright disruptive for most.

 

“Good character is not formed in a week or a month. It is created little by little, day by day. Protracted and patient effort is needed to develop good character.”

Haraclitus

 

Creating space for quiet contemplation, creativity and spiritual growth is a challenge as witnessed by the anxiety and discontent of our population. Without attention, these very important life practices are left by the wayside and a life can become shallow and less meaningful. This dizzying pace is the result of the neglect of a character trait that is extremely important on a life journey, patience.  The greek word for patience is hypomonḗ (υπομονή).  There are two separate words for patience in the Greek language, but for the purposes of this piece, I am using this version as it speaks to me more directly. The definition of hypomonḗ is as follows:

“a remaining behind, a patient enduring, endurance, steadfastness, patient waiting for”

My favorite part of this definition is the word steadfast. Steadfast reminds me of another word, resolute. To be resolute is to be purposeful.  A patient and purposeful commitment to mindfulness is necessary to find a semblance of space in a busy mind.  Hypomonḗ can be found in many early spiritual texts and was understood as an important element to an examined life. Picture yourself in a long line at the store or caught in rush hour traffic, all fertile ground for exercising patience. I am sure that you can recall examples of those that choose to sink to a lower self, using harsh words, furious insults or simply decide to rudely ignore those around them.  It is so disappointing and shameful that the primary interaction we have when harried is anger. What if we all took a moment and choose to remain steadfast within our spirits. Standing firm and choosing loving kindness with all whom we interact.  What a different world this would be for it.

 

“Inner peace is impossible without patience. Wisdom requires patience. Spiritual growth implies the mastery of patience. Patience allows the unfolding of destiny to proceed at its own unhurried pace.”

Brian Weiss

 

In my work, I have found that interacting with loving kindness catches people off guard.  They simply do not know how to respond.  I have even had men think I am flirting with them simply by being kind.  Is that really where we have come?  Kindness is the exception not the rule? Patience is also important when beginning a relationship. To really understand another, much time must be directed towards that end.  If we are rushing around, energy cannot be given to this important job. To love another soul is one of the most important things that we do in our lives, yet it is given such little priority over other life milestones.  It is distressing and with lasting consequences. Young people jump into relationships like they are trying on clothes for size.  The depth of the process has been lost in this rushed world and the relationships that result can be just as superficial.  

 

“Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.”

Rumi

 

Similarly, patience in vocation is essential. From a young age we are asked what we want to be when we grown up.  Children list a litany of job descriptions, but one never hears nice, kind or loving as goals to aspire to.  Upon reaching adulthood it is not uncommon to become dissatisfied with life and unsure of which vocational path to follow.  Why must we choose just one?  If we are living authentically a path will unfold, as it should.  Divine timing is not negotiable and patience is required. We must continually stand steadfast in the unknown until the answers we seek are reveled. As long as we are true to ourselves we are living the best life that we can in that moment. That is enough.

 

The practice of patience holds such great meaning for me, I have at times considered getting a tattoo of the word in a place that I can constantly gaze. Sometimes a visual cue is all that is required to remember to return to that place of a calm and gentle spirit. Whatever your method,  try to continually practice patience with yourself and all that you encounter.  Perfection is not the goal, but continued effort is. If we place greater importance on this character trait, the busy mentality might finally begin to abate, the result being space created for the meaningful life work that remains.

 

What Is In A Name?

What Is In A Name?

Beautiful nameLavinia is a unique name and one that I have had an uneasy relationship with.  When I was a young child, I was embarrassed that no one could pronounce it and that I was so different from the other children in school. Kids teased me and often purposefully mispronounced it knowing that I would cringe. I got into the habit of not correcting others in a stubborn show of defiance, answering to anything that I was called. My siblings gave me the nickname Vin, and that is still what they call me today.  “Lavinia” took a backseat in my home and would stay there for quite some time.

As I got older, I began to accept my name but was often asked if it was a family name.  My name is actually a Subud name.  My parents were involved in this organization and practiced its spiritual exercises before I was even born.  My mother went into latihan, the active practice of Subud, during our deliveries, which consisted of loud singing in the delivery rooms much to the shock of the medical team. I was also witness to a constant stream of Subud practitioners in our home growing up. Members of Subud can travel the world and stay with other Subud families and as such; we had many foreign guests that stayed with us akin to a Subud hostel. My father, concerned about what the Catholic school I attended would think about this, made sure to tell me not to share with others how I was named.  This did nothing but make me feel ashamed of my name and even a bit isolated.  I wondered why I should be ashamed of my name? Especially when my name had been given as a spiritual guidepost with the belief that it fit my true self and served as an expression of this to the outside world.  

“Man is a microcosm, or a little world, because he is an extract from all the stars and planets of the whole firmament, from the earth and the elements; and so he is their quintessence.”

Paracelsus

As life progressed as it inevitably does, I became pregnant and once again lost “Lavinia”.  My children called me “mom” or “mommy” and my husband didn’t speak with love when using my name.  It was as if that unique person that I was named to be was in hibernation, lost to the sterilization of self and the new acceptance of the pack mentality of a nuclear family unit.  I was just Mrs. so and so or my husband’s wife. No longer unique in my identity and still unable to see that I eternally carried this with me regardless of my name seen by the world, I was lost.

Around this same time, one of the deeper spiritual questions that I began to ask was “If I am not my name than who am I?” The universe heard my persistent questioning and began to present a series of events to assist me with the answer.  I went through an emotionally challenging divorce, went back to school to get a masters degree and reentered the workforce outside of the dance studio. I found people addressing me by my name along with asking all sorts of curious questions about its origin.  I usually used the fallback of “It is a very old Latin name” which of course was true. One day in the library a theatre faculty member came up to me and said, “You do know that Lavinia is a character in the Shakespearean tragedy Titus Andronicus in which she is raped, her tongue and hands are cut off and she is later killed by her father because of the rape…” Wow! I did not know that.  I felt oddly protective of this character that shared my name and very proud that I had survived my own metaphorical version of this story in my marriage.  It was one of the first times that I recall really connecting with my name as a spiritual warrior of sorts.  

“I was wedded to all the stars of the sky.There was not a single star left, and I married every one of them with great spiritual pleasure. Then I married the moon.”

Ibn Arabi

As I worked through these challenging times, I continued to slowly relearn to connect with my name and who I was as an individual. I was no longer someone’s wife, but just “Lavinia”. All of my weirdness, quirkiness and creativeness started to reappear as that little girl that was once so carefree began to re-emerge. I began to proudly introduce myself to people and enjoyed their response to hearing a name they had probably never heard before. My name sounded beautiful to me again and was a true reflection of who I was once again becoming. The reclamation of self was in full bloom.

I have now arrived at acceptance that my name is uniquely suited to me.  I am a beautiful, loving, intelligent and creative soul. No one can truly take a name from me, it is so much more than letters on a paper, It has been carried on my heart, a branding of sorts. Beyond the Latin meaning, the name also means “Purity” or “pure of heart”.  I believe part of my life contract is to continue to represent my name with integrity.  My foray into mysticism is just one chapter of this lifelong  journey.

Intimacy and Energy

Intimacy and Energy

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Have you ever sat next to someone and felt his or her vibration?  Or maybe someone walks into your office and you feel a sudden change in your environment?  If the answer is yes, you are one that can feel others energy. We are all as biological beings, just a conglomeration of molecules vibrating and racing about. This is never more apparent than when we exchange energy with another, either purposefully or unintended. I liken an energy exchange to an unspoken contract.  One is extending their innermost self to another for better or worse.

 

Real intimacy is a sacred experience.  It never exposes its secret trust

and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture.

Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved.

John O’Donohue

 

As one that is especially sensitive to this, I often find myself with the urge to reach out and hug someone that is hurting in some way.  I feel it and very deeply. When sitting next to my children or family, I will usually place my hand on their leg, arm or back thereby connecting energetically.  It is a quick way for me to clue into how they are and what they may be feeling in that moment. I also am careful at work not to jump into someone’s office without an invitation. I will usually start conversations from the doorway testing my colleague’s energy to see if the timing for the conversation is correct.  If I sense any hesitation I will defer and return another time. I only wish that others would be sensitive to my needs in return. Daily, I have colleagues come in unannounced and proceed to tell me their woes.  I try to be the good INFJ counselor but often feel tired after these interactions. The difficulty can be when I do not fully let go of this energy and carry bits of it home.

 

Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with

someone–and finding that that’s okay with them.

Alain de Botton

 

The first time I understood the power of placement, energy and intimacy was during the more difficult years of my marriage. When my ex-husband would start yelling and pacing, I would tell my children to move away from him to the farthest point of the room.  Just sitting on the couch that was a good twenty feet away from him would relieve some of the tension that we all felt when he got in a mood and started to blame everyone for his troubles. Even with this practice, I absorbed more than my fair share of his dark and discontent spirit. His touch would cause an immediate reaction of withdrawal on my part.  Even if I was not able to vocalize my feelings out of fear, my body language was speaking for me. I shut down and kept my internal dialogue to myself, putting up walls of protection and protecting myself from any unsolicited intimacy with him. I carried this with me for years and believe this burden activated my autoimmune illness. My body reacted in the only way it knew how, by protecting itself.  It took years after our divorce and much self-work to finally feel free from this energy.

 

You see, as spiritual beings, we all crave intimacy but really have no idea how to achieve this with another.  So many things in our world are superficial and carry little meaning in the grander scheme of things. We spend so much time and energy chasing money, professional success, and material things with very little time talking about human needs.  It is as if this is a taboo subject not worthy of discussion.  No wonder so many today are unhappy and jaded about their lives and futures.  It is a big and lonely world if the only things that are meaningful are material, which have nothing to offer in the way of intimacy or love.

 

We can not comprehend the utter intimacy from which we arise and in which we live, but we can give expression to it in words and in silence, through gestures and stillness.

Tom Stella

 

Young adults today are faced with a constant onslaught of energy and information. True intimacy is not found in a text message, a Facebook post or an Instagram photo. True intimacy is taking the time to know and honor the true self of another hidden behind the facade used to navigate the world. Intimacy can be in a touch of the hands, a passing smile, a nod that says “I see you” or a moment of empathy during a difficult time.  Intimacy can also be standing close enough to look another in the eyes directly and really see them.  I am not talking about just looking at the physical self, but rather reaching deeper and peering at their soul. In addition, when standing close enough to another, one can feel energy even when not physically touching.  That is connection and it is important to be careful who is in direct proximity on a regular basis. For all these reasons and many more, intimacy is so much more than the physical expression of love.  It is an exchange of self on the deepest level and an opportunity to be vulnerable.

 

It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.

Jane Austen

 

Growing up, I was instructed to be careful whom I gave my heart too. This struck me as silly when I was younger, but I now understand the importance of carefully choosing whom I sign the contract of energy exchange with. In new relationships it is prudent to have a vetting process, allowing someone space to take down walls and expose whom they truly are. This is contrary to our social constructs of today.  We live in an immediate satisfaction society in which time is of the essence and many rush relationships only later to feel the ill effects. It is only when two choose to be vulnerable that their souls can connect in a meaningful way.

The Contradiction and Unity of Both Death and Life

The Contradiction and Unity of Both Death and Life

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I have never been afraid of death. My sister will shudder when she reads this, but she knows this to be true. Rather than fear, I have a reverence for this transition and have always viewed it as a parallel spiritual experience to birth. I have had the honor and responsibility to sit with others as they pass from this world to the next, just as I have given birth to two beautiful souls. Both experiences feel like I am holding my breath and at the same time shouting from the rooftops. It has an air of complete silence yet with the buzzing sound of energy being exchanged.  Time stops for a moment and I feel my heart beating as it expands and contracts. Becoming acutely aware of my humanness as well as my holiness. It is a beautiful thing.  

 

When the heart grieves over what it has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left.” – Sufi

 

I sometimes think that I am not from this world. I don’t understand the constant need for commercial success, the hatred of others, the competition and greed.  I long for something that I cannot define, but know is just beyond. When I walk in the morning and feel the breathe of a new day, I feel the closest to this other. I tell no one, because this must sound crazy.  I know it is not, but I still worry about what others will think that have no reference or ability to believe what is not seen.

 

My physical body is just flesh and bones. I honor it by eating well, exercising and keeping active. I know too that this body is just a shell, a skin that will be shed, making way for the wondrous butterfly that is underneath the layers of a life well lived. I close my eyes and envision this moment when I will be free to fly as I am meant too.  I open my eyes and feel the restriction of my clothes, this body and my routine. It can be suffocating. I wonder if this is why the very young and the very old tear of their clothes at the first chance and gleefully parade about. Yet, I am so thankful that my physical body has allowed for so many life experiences. I am one that is living in both worlds, walking in between.

 

I once visited a healer and as soon as I entered her room she reached for my arm, taken aback by what she saw.  She told me that I had a legion of angels and protectors walking in with me.  I had been reading the work of St Francis at the time and she described a friar with a beard standing by my head.  She knew nothing about me, or the thin veil between the worlds, yet she saw me….really saw me. Used to hiding right under the radar, afraid to share too much with anyone, I was taken aback by her ability to see this. There were others that had variations of this gift as well? I felt instantly comforted and less alone.

 

It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we’re alive – to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

 

Death is not the end, but a new beginning.  If you are scientific you understand this. The first law of thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed; energy can only be transferred or changed from one form to another. Both birth and death are monumental transfers of energy. What has been found cannot be lost. We are forever more eternal and this should bring comfort to those afraid of the unknown.

 

Speaking of death does not make one dark or melancholic. It is a transition of life that none of us will escape. Reflecting on this is meaningful on a spiritual path and useful for growth.  The question becomes not what is death, but rather how do I live? By avoiding the topic of death, one never really understands that this life is fleeting and the measure of a good life is in the living. As one with a thin veil, I embrace each day and am not afraid of tomorrow.  I know what is to come and am ready when my lessons here are complete.  

 

Wholehearted Living-Mothers and Daughters

Wholehearted Living-Mothers and Daughters

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I recently joined Audible to be able to listen to some of my favorite authors when hiking.  The first book on my list was Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly.  I so enjoyed this book when I read it in print and wanted the luxury of listening to it anytime the spirit moved me.  When searching Dr. Brown’s book list, I came across a workshop recording of The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage.  This lecture was recorded right before her book Daring Greatly came out and touched on the same research. I was intrigued and choose it as my first Brené Brown selection on Audible.

After listening to the entire workshop in what felt like lightning speed, I am moved to suggest this recording to anyone wishing to live a more authentic life. Brené Brown provides actual tools or guideposts to achieve wholehearted living. I cried, laughed and pondered as she spoke. I related  to so many of the personal stories that she shared and was comforted to hear that I am not alone in my worries, and self-conceived notions of self. At the same time I found it oddly empowering to hear the notion of living more freely and in the moment.

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

Brené Brown

 

I began to reflect on my daughter and her development as a young woman.  I am blessed with a daughter that has added energy and color to my otherwise restrained life. She is sensitive and kind yet uninhibited and unapologetic to her true self. When she finds an outfit that she likes she immediately begins to dance around with unabashed glee. Even as a young adult, she still does this happy dance. When she is sad she cries, when she is happy she laughs out loud and when she is reflective she sits quietly in thought. She is naturally living in the moment, not overly concerned by how others perceive her; it is a beautiful thing to observe.

How I ended up with a daughter like this is puzzling. I am a bit of an introvert and always hoping that people like me. I overthink things and would absolutely not be caught dead dancing in the aisles of a grocery store, yet dance around in the privacy of my kitchen constantly. I am apparently not very good at vulnerability. I measure and take all sorts of steps to minimize risk in life to protect myself from pain. My daughter does the exact opposite. She lives full out, taking risks that I would never dream of taking. She calls people and confronts them if she is feeling a communication issue arising, she puts herself out there day after day knowing full well what rejection and disappointment feels like. She unapologetically swears like a sailor and lets her voice be heard in its own unique way. Don’t get me wrong, she has made her fair share of bad decisions as we all have. The difference is that these decisions do not seem to paralyze her with shame.

 

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

Brené Brown

 

Shame is that ugly word that we as a society do not speak about and is often swept under the rug.  By doing so we are living our shame with no clear path forward to living wholeheartedly. It is important to note that we all carry shame. It is insidious and creeps into many areas of our lives. “I  really just messed up that teaching moment with my child”, or “Why did I just say that to my co-worker?”, or “No one could love me as I am”.  It is a heavy burden to carry and ultimately takes the joy out of living.  Living wholeheartedly requires one to acknowledge shortcomings and the “not good enough” gremlins while still embracing each day with joy. Emotions such as shame can not be suppressed into the depths of our shadow self for long.  This will only lead to explosive release in the form of anger, rage or judgement. It is much healthier to recognize the emotion, observe it and let it go. If we understand the evolution for these emotions we can gently allow, yet not succumb. It is really a journey of self discovery, as all spiritual journeys are.

 

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

Brené Brown

 

My daughter is a constant reminder to me to let a few things goes, don’t take myself too seriously and dance like nobody’s watching. Sure we have our differences and disagreements, but it is in these disagreements that I learn the most about myself. I am just as sure that by observing me, she learns that some moments of restraint are justified.  I have learned that I need to let that same little girl that made dandelion chains and lived freely out more often to play and enjoy life. She is still there, hiding under layers of conditioning and shame. The times when I sing and dance while baking in the kitchen, I am sharing my vulnerably and in that moment I feel completely free. Thank you Brené Brown, for sharing your research, stories and words.

Gracious Disagreement

Gracious Disagreement

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We have all been there. The moment when a discussion gets a bit heated and you are desperately looking for an out without offending the person you are speaking with. It is one of the most uncomfortable moments in communication and one that can raise blood pressures and end relationships. Emotions become so overpowering that reason is overtaken and tempers flair. Unfortunately, the point of the discussion is lost in translation and listening is no longer the priority.

Why do we spend so little time teaching children the art of disagreement?  The world could use one giant debate class right about now. Disagreeing with another should never be construed as an attack on character, rather it is simply what it is, a difference of opinion. People can and should have differing opinions, which is what makes this world so interesting. If everyone was in agreement all the time creativity would suffer and new ideas would be lost to mediocrity. It is the places where we disagree that real connection can be found.

 

He who cannot put his thoughts on ice should not enter into the heat of dispute.”

Friedrich Nietzche

 

Once again, grace can be called upon to navigate this type of communication. Grace calls for us to listen to another without blaming, formulating a response or ignoring them. Grace implores us to choose our words carefully in response. Words have meaning and can dig deeper than a knife. They are a wonderful vehicle for loving kindness but can also be a carrier for anger, vitriol and hatred. The choice is always ours, but praying for grace in moments of weakness can allow for a better and more loving outcome.

 

“Truth does not become more true by virtue of the fact that the entire world agrees with it, nor less so even if the whole world disagrees with it.”

Maimonides

 

As an emotional being, I wear my heart on my sleeve. If someone is shouting awful things at me, I will often become tearful due to the anger of the interaction. I am a gentle spirit and my body rejects this type of communication.  It has taken an enormous amount of will and grace to learn techniques to defuse angry disagreements. Speaking calmly and slowly is one. Listening to the other and acknowledging that they have been heard is another. One that I especially like is trying to view the disagreement from the others point of view. It becomes more about figuring out how they arrived in the place of disharmony rather than an emotional outburst.

 

The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.

Leonardo da Vinci

 

Relationships will never exist in complete harmony and agreement. In fact, healthy disagreement is essential for strong relationships. Burying an opinion to appease another is never a good route to choose. The issue will surely rear its ugly head further down the line and all of the energy taken to bury your voice will cause collateral damage. It takes courage and yes, grace to address things that are uncomfortable with the ones we love. I would argue that in doing so, we are expressing love. Trusting another with our deepest concerns and fears. Raising children has been instrumental in my growth as a better communicator. As parents we are constantly reminded that we don’t have ownership over our children. We have been blessed with bringing them into this world and gently guiding them.  However, they are ultimately on their own spiritual journey and our influence is only a small part of this journey. The difficult conversations I have had with my children only further stretch me and require that I exercise patience, deep listening and grace.  I am not always on the mark but I strive to get better with each time with the understanding that there is no winning or losing, only listening, observing and learning.