It has taken me some time to come to terms with my true nature.  I am one that wades in the deep more than most.  I have from a very young age had the good fortune of possessing a knowing that I am well taken care of and protected by something greater than myself.  There is never any doubt and I feel a constant sense of comfort as one would when thinking about going home. Because of this, I am a magnet for those who are lost and searching, looking for some light to find their way forward.  It is an attraction of opposites in so many ways and a painful learning opportunity for me and the other person.

I have on more than one occasion acted as a true north for others, stability in the storm of life.  It is never intentional and always comes from a place of care and concern. Those finding themselves stuck continue to seek me out. I believe this is due to the way that I move through the world, my comfort with not having to know all of the answers.  It is like the curiosity of an open flame, feeling the need to reach out and touch even though what is found might burn.

 

” Opposites are not to be united rationally. … In practice, opposites can be united only … irrationally.”

-Carl Jung

 

The truth is I am not perfect, I am far from it.  It bothers me at times when others are constantly looking at me to be their true north.  I absolutely do not have all the answers, in fact I have very few. My goal in life is to keep moving towards the light, living with my eyes and heart wide open.  This also means not making excuses or accommodations for others when they are merely crossing paths with me in the hopes of diving into the depths even if only for a moment. This is frustrating for me. I am just as confused as the next person, we are all human after all.  I am simply comfortable with the questions and this sense of comfort acts as nectar to a bee.

 

“Wholeness and balance are the ultimate goals of the Jewish mystical tradition… Likewise, each of their lives can teach us about a specific yichud, a unification between severed opposites, such as eros and spirituality, shadow and light, earthiness and the transcendent life.”

-Tirzah Firestone

                                           

Time after time I have entered into friendships with those that are seeking this calmness with no regard for the person holding it.  It completely drains my wells of empathy and leaves me feeling spent.  A one sided relationship is not healthy for anyone, and for one that takes on the pain of others, especially damaging. I bear the scars from such relationships and have had to view these life lessons as just that, lessons. The key is to not repeat the same lesson over and over, rather to recognize the pattern and achieve some level of personal growth.

 

I talk a big game, but If I am being completely truthful, I have a curiosity for the way in which my opposites navigate the world.  It can be like watching a car wreck, terrifying, but hard to look away.  Fascinated by human nature, I am silently drawn to these swirling volcanoes thinking quite incorrectly that I can cool the heat, calm the storm. As I have matured, I thankfully have learned to accept that this is not my job. My job is to simply move in the direction of light, choosing love above anger and kindness over hate . When the world and friendships gets heavy and I begin to get over saturated by emotions, I choose to not get weighed down, to find joy in the living of the questions. I return to this time and time again, and have found it to be my salvation in a world full of conflicted people.

 

“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.”

― Khalil Gibran

 

It may be that this attraction of opposites is of value simply because it demonstrates a different way to move through the world, making unique decisions and experiencing different consequences. All very revealing moments and useful for contemplation and growth. An attraction to opposites is one thing that I have stopped questioning and allowed to evolve, as it will.  I still choose to be careful with whom I let in, but this does not mean that I should not have friendships with those testing my boundaries.  These friendships may very well be the ones that further shape who I am meant to be. Life is funny that way. Just when we think we have it figured out, along comes someone completely different than ourselves showing a different way forward. Amazing.