People are all very unique and experience the world in a multitude of ways. Emotional experiences are varied and even amongst the ones closest to us, life requires different tools and direction at any given moment.   In our nuclear families, a child can be struggling with difficulties at school at the same time that a parent is excelling at work.  How does the parent make the best effort to be empathetic and supportive when all they want is to dive into the pools of self-praise and joy? The same can be said for an older couple in which one is ill and another is still vibrant and able. The partner that is vibrant has to allow space for their sick partner to grieve and work through their limitations without becoming frustrated or directing the process.  They must also be able to feel joy, happiness and strength and not feel guilty about this.

 

With all of these various states of being, how do we best support each other? I believe it is in holding space for another. Holding space for another is allowing the time to process the emotions that are present without trying to direct the outcome.  The only requirement is to offer loving support and encouragement when needed.  If you are a person that is drawn to “fix” others, this may sound foreign to you. Difficulties in life are not necessarily things that need “fixing” , rather they are opportunities to walk a path less traveled and learn something about ourselves on the journey.  It is so hard to see those that we care about suffering, especially if you are an empathic person. They hurt, you hurt, they are sad, you are sad.  I understand this conundrum given that I cry when killers are sentenced to jail or when young adults make egregious mistakes and the course of their lives are altered forever.  It is tough not to feel for someone in a dark space.

 

It is tragic how few people ever ‘possess their souls’ before they die… Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation…”

Oscar Wilde

 

On a daily basis, holding space for another is done in small moments rather than in bigger life events.  It can be paying attention when your child comes home and proceeds to talk to you for an hour about their day, processing the emotions of an experience just by sharing with another.  All that is required in this scenario is some deep listening, a smile, nod or hug of reassurance.  By doing so, you are holding space for your child to explore their experience the best way they know how. They are still doing the work but you are supporting them. Another example would be if you have wonderful news about your day but as soon as your partner arrives home you see that he or she has had a difficult day and is having trouble handling the emotions of it all? Holding space to discharge the emotion of the day requires disciple when all you want to do is blurt out about your fabulous day. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes of connection and demonstrating that you are supportive to allow for the energy to clear.  At that point, your partner will be much more able to accept your good news and celebrate, thereby returning the favor.

 

“The psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight.”

Joseph Campbell

 

Bigger life events call for much more maturity when holding space for another.  Supporting a loved one as they pass from this world to the next, attending the high risk delivery of a child, counseling a friend that has just gone through a divorce or lost their job. These are all difficult moments to be sure and call for spiritual support of a higher degree. Holding space requires a surrender of all expectations. This is easier said than done when you have an emotional stake in the outcome. Time and time again, grace is called upon to provide strength and resolve. This is not work for the faint of heart, but rather real work of the soul that leaves one exhausted, spent and blissful.